Ouch, ouch, ouch, what a terrible thing before you go away . I dont know why so many people botch up apologies as well, we all mess up, it happens but a hearfelt i am so sorry, please forgive me for hurting you goes a long way to repairing the damage. And yet even a T can't get it right.

I am sorry this happened and i hope that you can vent a bit and then go on and have decent vacation at least.

((((Catnip)

Love Pan

Oh goodness...how terrible! I can understand how that would make you feel and in your shoes, I would feel hurt and unimportant too.

However, as an outsider, I think that this really is not a reflection of how your T feels about you. I think he is perhaps just disorganized, absent-minded, and has difficulty keeping track of all of his patients' schedules. Schedules get so confusing this time of year, even for those who don't celebrate Christmas such as your T. With everyone else's schedule being wonky, it can really throw a person off.

As for his lack of emotion in his apology....perhaps he is embarrassed that he was so irresponsible? Sometimes people who are embarrassed by mistakes tend to go to one extreme or the other...either over-apologizing and being almost sappy with emotion in their apology in a theatrical manner or they go to the opposite extreme of barely acknowledging that it was a mistake in an effort to minimize their shame of having made a mistake.

In any event, please know that your T's actions are NOT a reflection of how he feels about you, but are most likely long standing characteristics of his personality that he has carried with him long before he ever even met you. I can guarantee you that you are NOT the only person he has ever forgotten about.

Even when people care a great deal about someone, if they are a forgetful type of person, you will eventually be forgotten at some point. My exhusband and I were going through a very painful divorce. He loved me a great deal, but was a total stoner and smoked so much weed that he was extremely forgetful. Well, after we had split up and hadn't seen each other for a month, we had plans to get together to discuss our divorce and talk things through. I spent days trying to figure out what I was going to wear, how I was going to do my hair, what I was going to say to him when I saw him, etc. When it finally came time to meet, he didn't show up. I called him and said, "are you running late?" and he said, "Oh my god! I'm such a F'in moron. I completely forgot that we had plan tonight. I bet you are glad you are divorcing me and don't have to deal with a pothead anymore". I was really hurt that he had forgotten, that I was so unimportant to him that he could just forget about a meeting to talk about our divorce. But then I remembered all of the times that he had lost things, forgotten about his mother's bday, spent $1000 on a piece of carved ivory in Seattle only to set it down at Pike's Place 5 minutes later and forget it, or the time he bought his mom a $400 vase at the airport in Portland and put it under the seat of the plane and left it on the plane when we got off in Denver. Or the time he left his backpack in the cab in Paris and lost a $5,000 watch and about $2,000 in cash and a $1000 camera. It wasn't that those things weren't important to him....it was just that he was a total space cadet and it sounds to me that your T is similar in that regard.

So PLEASE cut yourself some slack and try not to allow this to impact your self-worth. Your T's behaviors are about HIS flaws.....not yours.

Ouch is right! I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can imagine how gutting that would be and why it would stir up so many feelings of being rejected and unwanted. I do think that it was just a mistake on his part. Human error at a busy time of year. I don't think it is a reflection of how your T feels about you or that he did it on purpose. Having said that, I would encourage you to tell him how it made you feel and what it stirred in you as that could really be an opportunity for some deep work to be done.

I'm so sorry. I hope you enjoy your vacation despite this rocky start. (((hugs)))

Hello all,

Thanks for your kind words. I came to the internet cafe tonight ready to write my therapist a "fuck off" email. It has been a really tough activated day for me, Happy couples celebrating xmas and me hanging with me mom cause I am the single loser. After reading what you have said I am feeling a bit calmer and levelheaded. Although I am sure the double Gin and tonic is helping. (thank god for an all inclusive) After Gin I am off to find some chocolate.

You are all right when you say that he is disorganized. This is the first time that he has totally forgotten a session but I have been double booked several times before over the years. Once I actually had the pleasure of being double booked twice in one day!

I wanted to ask you how you guys deal with talking about your therapist with him or her. I know that this will be really hard for me, especially since he won't give me any of his feelings. I find it hard to talk about our relationship. Right now I just want to go in get really mad at him and then run away. (but not before getting angry with him for not getting mad at me, for me being mad at him)

As someone mentioned this is probably an opportunity for some deep work but I am not sure I can do it.

Deepfried, you asked about waiting for him I did end up standing outside his office. HE has a small office that only he uses and his door is inside of building, so it wasn't so bad. He only works at this office part time and isn't there when he doesn't have sessions. I am the first session on Wednesdays. I think he waited to call me till after his last session because it was fairly late in the afternoon. I had the feeling he wanted to talk more, that he was hoping I would say something to him to open up the dialogue, which I couldn't do at that momment.

I find it interesting you say i have a choice in how i feel about this.. I don't think i have a choice about how i feel, what i do have is a choice in how i deal with thise feelings....how much do i repress and how much do i vent to him about..... do i run away from therapy or stick with it and tough it out.... But you are right I have choices here and I have to remember that.

Thank you again for your kind words and thoughts,
It is so nice to finally have a place to vent about this shit with people who understand.

I hope everyone is having a relaxing holiday season and we can talk soon,

Hugs

Catnip

quote:

I wanted to ask you how you guys deal with talking about your therapist with him or her. I know that this will be really hard for me, especially since he won't give me any of his feelings.

I have had a good deal of practice with this over the past few months. I used to be really scared about it because I didn't want to make my T mad or hurt her feelings, but every time I would preface what I wanted to say with that my T would say, "I'm a big girl. Don't judge or edit, just say what you want to say." It helps that every time that I've talked to T about something I felt she had done or about our relationship that she has almost always remained non-defensive and been willing to take an honest look at things. My T has always been very willing to talk about our relationship and while it isn't the focus of my therapy it is certainly something that we keep active in the process and use as a secure base to explore other things.

So, now I just go in and say what I want to talk about. Sometimes if it is really hard, I will write it down and give it to T in session and then talk from there.

catnipcook, that is hard...talking about the "us" of the two of us in therapy. some t's, i am sure, won't go there. but, for me, i think it is so important to the re-learning i have to do. so, i encourage you to try. be honest, i always 'preface' stuff with a 'i don't mean to be mean...but' kind of tone. once, i do recall being encouraged to let it out, and, i have, somewhat. all, with paralyzing fear of being terminated. but, i do think, for some issues, this is a vital point of therapy. i am in dbt therapy, and she seems really open to talking about this stuff. she said she is patterning a normal relationship, somewhat, and that i need to learn that relationships CAN be healed by talking issues through. my pattern is to leave. no fight, or just what impulsive, sarcastic barb that comes out of my hurt, and retreat...all into my safe little turtle shell i live in. safe.

so, don't know if this describes you or not, but i certainly think you need, and DESERVE to voice your feelings! that IS what they are there for, although i do agree, MANY CAN'T TAKE IT!! i got terminated for telling a t i was mad at her and why...i think she couldn't handle my reasons, as there was truth in there that i guess she couldn't deny or admit. weird deal, and, i tell you this, not to scare you, but it happens. but, y'no? they ought to be able to handle a client having emotional issues....right????

good luck, let us know how it goes!! jill

HI Folks,

Today is the day. I am back from vacation and I have my app't in about an hour.
I am feeling nervous and scared and I am not sure i can do this, I have nothing else on the list to talk about.....

Catnip

So I went and I did it.

I will admit that he made it easy for me.

He invited me in the room and we sat down and as usual he didn't say anything. I gave him a look and let out a big breath and then he quite honestly stated.
" I know, I am a bad person, I fucked up and missed your session and your upset with me."

From there it was easy to tell him that i was not just upset but pissed and why and everything that had been going on. I vented at him for a good 5 mins. He actually thanked me for coming and seeing him when I was so upset, and told me there would be no charge for the session. After that talked a lot about anger and transference (there are some big transference issues with all of this) we also discussed my last session and why i was pisssed at him for that and what had happened and how i was putting a whole lot of things together he said that he understood why i felt how I did, and how it made it easy for me to be transferring lot of old issues on him right now.

The other good thing about this was because i was so pissed at him, I had nothing else planned to talk about so we were able to move into some deep issues, about romantic relationships, self image, body image etc.

At the end of it all, we shook hands, in the end i think i feel more secure about therapy then i have in months.

Something else happened that made me feel good. I was parked outside his office and saw him go in just before our session. I had to make a phone call after our session and was still parked outside of his office when he came out, obviously done for the day. Between todays session and knowing that he came into the office when I was his only session has restored a lot of my faith in him, and the process that he really does care. For all of my recent griping about him, I have a good therapist.

Thanks for listening,

Catnip

Hey, Cat... that is so wonderful. First that he took responsibility and did not get defensive. Then he was willing to "hear" you and allowed the session to go even deeper. He did not back away and neither did you! So Congrats on that one. You did a lot of really good work with him today. And it was also good that he didn't charge you for the session.

It does help a lot when you repair so well after a disruption in therapy. When the T allows you to actually see his care for you and to feel it. And I know that knowing he came in just for your session has to help you feel cared about.

I hope you continue to speak so honestly and openly with him. He does sound like a really good T.

Happy New Year
TN