Just me, saying "hey - does anyone get this?"

My thoughts well at least how it is for me anyway.....

Sometimes there is a word that I feel comfortable talking about if it belongs to someone else. So for example I can sympathise with another person and the word/situation that belongs to them but for whatever reason making that word/situation belong to me just doesn't seem right so I avoid it at all costs. I avoid facing it / accepting it/ feeling it. It is easier to not feel and block it out. It is easier to give someone else advice than it is for me to accept my own advice and to live my own advice. So there is probably one word that sums up everything that I have said...... DENIAL.

B2W

I think often not wanting to feel and not wanting it to be true go together. If it isn't true, you don't have to feel anything about it.

Hey B2W -

It's so nice to see you. Thanks for your post. I feel like I am on the cusp of figuring something out, there is some truth just beyond my fingertips, and your post is pushing it towards me, some. There is something about denial, for sure.

And BLT - you are right, too.

If it's true, I have to feel it. If it's true, it's not ever going to be untrue. And that might mean that if it's true, I'm always, always going to have to feel the feelings that go with it being true.

I *know* that it can feel like if I start to feel into my sad, it's going to wash over me and drown me and I'll never feel anything BUT sad. I *know* that isn't true. I'm doing work in therapy, I'm feeling feelings, and they are washing through me.

But it feels like I'm gonna drown. It feels like, if I say it's true, then I'm saying okay - from here forward, my life is going to be this different way - this way where I'm going to have to feel feelings I don't want to feel. And I'm gonna have to feel them all of them time, or when I don't want to, or more than I want.

So, if it's true, then I have to feel it. Always.

Thanks guys - you've helped me work some of this out.

Hi MMM,

I have a fear too that if I accept something as true then I am always going to feel it. It stops me from progressing so much in my therapy BUT T knows this and never pushes that acceptance in me. Time is a healer and in your own time and space you will come to accept things, little by litle, revelation by revalation, sadness by sadness until those things become a part of you and your make-up; you may not like them or want to dwell on them but you can accept that there are part of you and learn then to cope and hopefully move on from them.

It has happened to me for some things, I have many more mountains still to climb, but the knowledge tha I can come to acceptance and survive helps.

to you,

starfishy

Aw, MMM. I relate to this SO much. I still can't say the words out loud of what happened (at least in relation to me) because it makes it way too real. T asks at least one question, nearly every session, that could require the use of those words, but I've never said them. Because that would be 1) admitting something happened 2) admitting it's true. And for the same reasons as you - I don't want it to be true. I don't want to have to live with this "truth." Life was different when I was just miserable but totally indifferent to everything that happened...I still haven't decided if I will enjoy a life where I fully accept what happened. And T has never pushed me to accept anything or say anything before I'm ready (which may be never, and she's even okay with that).

I think I'm coming to understand, kind of how Starfish described it, that acceptance of it doesn't come in one large chunk of, YES, this happened. Rather, it's accepting small parts of our stories first, which gradually adds up to general acceptance of the entire thing. It's a long process for sure.

(((MMM)))

I can understand what you are saying here exactly. I feel that way about a lot of the things that have happened to me. I think in particular right now I don't want any of the things my family has done to me to be true because it hurts to much to face. If it's true and they HAVE done these things, then it means that I have to confront what that means and make decisions on how to go ahead in those relationships. That scares me. It would seem to be so much easier to wish it away.

I like what was said about acceptance. It's a long process. That's for sure.

I actually wrote a sentence like this in my email to T yesterday. I told her that I didn't want this to be real. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare that I have been living the past 8 months and have NONE of it be true. I don't want my ex t's abandonment to be true, and I am having a very hard time accepting it.

Do you find that acceptance is blocked by fear in your case? I feel like fear and disassociation prevents me from true acceptance at times. I am afraid it's true. I am afraid T is never coming back. I KNOW rationally that it's true, but my head just can't convince my heart to let go and recognize the truth.

The truth HURTS.

Sometimes it helps to focus less on the truth/reality and more on the feelings that arise when you think of the truth; it can be good to start there.

For example...when I think of events from the past, I very quickly go into anxiety/fight or flight response. My brain is instantly triggered into - nooooo, don't think about that, who cares, it may not have even happened, stop it, stop it, stop it. It's my body's way of protecting myself; I had to do this as a little kid in order to ensure I stayed around my parents so I could literally stay alive (eat, have shelter, find limited amounts of connection, stay close to my sister, etc). This reaction is true and authentic conditioning at its finest. My brain just does it. It just is.

But, with t's help and through a lot of mindfulness work, I can now step back and observe that process. I can say - even while in the middle of it - oh, there's anxiety, there's tenseness, there's fear, there's anger, there's my brain doing what it was trained to do (and what biologically makes sense). And I kid you not, as soon I identify those feelings, that fear, anxiety, anger, and conditioning slow. They slow down to where they can be observed and responded to. In their place comes compassion. A desire to take care of myself, to care and love myself, and to recognize that conditioning for what it is - the result of someone else who failed me long ago. And in that recognition, the truth of those failings is not only apparent but ok to acknowledge. It becomes ok to acknowledge the abuse because now I know how to care for myself. Trust myself. Even if I can't trust T yet, I know I can care for that inner child who does cry, who has understandable fears, who has needs that need to be acknowledged and provided for. And all of that started with being able to name the feelings, stand back and observe them, and then offer them compassion. Not an easy process and it does take a lot of practice, but it may help you step forward into the truth of both your past...present...and potential.

Thank you everyone!

Your posts have made me feel so much calmer, thank you, thank you!

Starfish - thank you for your reply. You are right - these are issues of acceptance. Accepting what is true, accepting my feelings about it. And I can be gentle with myself as I fight against that acceptance, recognizing that I am making progress, little by little. Thank you!

Kashley - thank you for your reply! I always appreciate your responses because you sound so much like me.

quote:

Life was different when I was just miserable but totally indifferent to everything that happened...I still haven't decided if I will enjoy a life where I fully accept what happened.

quote:

Yes, yes! Some weeks ago, I had that shift in knowing thing, and I felt myself understand that this work is not about living an *easy* life. It's about living a *true* life. True can be so much harder, so much more painful than easy. But it's true. And thank you for the phrase - accepting small parts of our stories. YES. I do accept and know and feel some small parts. Thank you!

Unbroken - Thank you so much for your first line. Gosh, that's a wonderful first line. ;D

I had a terrible session in therapy, early in my return to therapy, where I was a total mess. And when I came home, I just cracked open. I was hysterical. It was because I had a shift in knowing - I figured out that I had been willing to do anything, be anything, ANYTHING, except give up my mother. I was willing to be the bad one, I was willing to put up with the abuse, I was willing to do anything except lose her. And then I realized that my true mother, my mommy, was never coming. I had been putting up with all that stuff because I was waiting for my real mom to come to me. And I had to face that she wasn't ever going to. I got what I got, and it was so much less than I deserved.

Your question about fear was so good - YES, fear is blocking my acceptance. It seems silly though - I know the truth in my head. Why am I afraid of the truth I already know? But yes - I start to feel the feelings that go with the truth, and I feel my little person panic and back up freak out. I'm terrified of the truth, of the feelings that go with it.

I'm so sorry your truth hurts, Brokes. You deserved so much better.

Sunsheen - Seriously, why haven't I read you before (I'm still new). Everything you are saying makes such sense to me, is exactly the path I am working on with my T. Mindfulness is so great. What mindfulness strategies are you using?

Thank you everyone - I'm grateful for you!