I tend to think of manipulation as playing on the known vulnerabilities or emotional weaknesses of a person to influence them to behave in a manner that is in some way to your benefit. It has an exploitative aspect. May involve malicious intent towards the manipulatee, hostility, or simply glacial indifference.

I also think people overuse the word, and misuse it to apply to more benign forms of attempted influence-- nagging, hinting, indirect communication, and so on.

I think it's important to maintain a distinction, because truly being a victim of manipulation stinks and can even be traumatic, while those other things are simply irritating or nuisances at worst.

Just my thoughts.

(((TN)))

Sorry things have been rough with T and your health I am afraid of answering and making you feel worse about the situation in some way, but if uninfluenced opinion is what you're seeking, here goes:

I would feel very hurt if called manipulative. Just the word has always had a strong negative connotation for me, and feels insulting. To me personally the word has always meant trying to influence/control others or situations in a passive aggressive, hidden way I guess?

Hope that's helpful

If someone told me I was manipulative then I'd probably be pretty annoyed and hurt to be completely honest. I think we associate the word manipulation with exploiting other people's emotions consciously.

I think the reality is that we all manipulate each other every day. Both consciously and unconsciously. It can be pretty benign. I know that if I ask Mr M for something in a particular way versus another way, then I'll likely get the most desired outcome. Sometimes we manipulate people without realising. I don't think it is always a negative thing but it has a bad rep because of the way we use it in language.

Being in pain may cause us to behave in ways aimed at lessening that pain. I was once called manipulative for doing that. At the time I felt justified in my actions because all that mattered to me was not imploding or hurting myself. With this distance of time and space, would I choose to do that path? Maybe. I'm not sure. I think I probably have done things that negatively impacted on others - it is hard to put myself there. I have way more resources available to me that I did not have then.

In short, I think it is complex and the term manipulative is very emotionally laden, which makes talking about it hard, since you are already at a point where you feel labelled or critisised.

HIC stole my answer!

quote:

I also think people overuse the word, and misuse it to apply to more benign forms of attempted influence-- nagging, hinting, indirect communication, and so on.

This. The word manipulative is something I associate with my mom, and I'm always worried about being manipulative. In fact, I sometimes over-share what's going on with me and inside of me to avoid that concern of being manipulative. If someone called me that, (err, when someone called me that, 'cause H did one time I can remember during an argument), it would hurt REALLY badly, because it would feel like I'm being compared to an abuser and one of the ways she deeply injured me.

I think that everyone, of course, wants to be treated in certain ways, receive certain things from others. And we behave in such a way as to get those needs/wants met. If any behavior that was geared at getting needs and wants met was called manipulative, then the concept of being "socialized" would not exist. Technically, the definition of the word is pretty benign, to influence something or someone for your own purposes...but there is a very negative connotation to the word that makes it more complicated than that, because I think most people see it as something that is injurious to the one being manipulated. If my H asks me in a cutesy "Awww, honey, pretty please!" voice to let him get a new video game, he is using that voice to indicate how much he wants it, to influence me to get it for him. I might think he is cute, or ridiculous, or annoying for acting that way. But, I certainly don't feel "manipulated" by that attempt to influence me.

I think it's a dangerous word to throw around and I would probably never use it to someone. When my H used it at me, I dissociated really badly due to an anger trigger. For his part, he has also called Boo manipulative (not to her, just talking about her to me), so he may have a different definition of it than I do or else is prone to feeling manipulated.

I think the number one thing I think of, is the verb manipulate, makes me think of controlling things with your hands, which makes me think of a puppeteer, working a puppet's strings. And that's how living with or being connected to my mom always felt, if you had to depend on her at all, and she had anything to use to "pull" you. So, I am SUPER CAREFUL about using that word. Even with my mom, I know that for her it was a strategy she learned in an environment where it was necessary to do that to get her needs met and feel safe from being hurt or abandoned, so I feel a lot of pain for her that she feels like she needs to have control in that way to protect herself.

Wow, that was quite an essay. Did that make any sense?

I had a discussion with my T about the concept of manipulation, because I am the one calling myself manipulative: I act (or feel, or whatever) in a specific way to get a specific answer. Therefore, I get afraid when I get a "positive" reaction, because it might mean I have manipulated people, since I did something to get that reaction.
My big fear is that I am unhappy/feeling bad to have attention, because a T usually reacts "kindly" to this and I like kindness, so telling her I feel bad is manipulation.

I found the answer of my T quite interesting, even if I am not sure that it will help you much: it was that communication was a form of manipulation, because we do want the other to react. A baby crying does try to get attention and care and we could say that it is manipulative... but it means that they need attention/care, or they would not go through the trouble of crying.

So... I guess she was trying to say that (some level of) manipulation was very okay and very normal?

But I would still feel bad if I got called manipulative, because I project my own moral judgement on it, and would have to wonder whether the person saying it does it as well or not?

quote:

Therefore, I get afraid when I get a "positive" reaction, because it might mean I have manipulated people, since I did something to get that reaction.

About, oh my gosh, my T and I have had this conversation so many times. I am constantly accusing myself of manipulating him. He then says something like that's the last thing he'd call me or I'm one of the least manipulative people...and then I feel that I've tricked him (manipulated him) into feeling that way too. :/

quote:

About, oh my gosh, my T and I have had this conversation so many times. I am constantly accusing myself of manipulating him. He then says something like that's the last thing he'd call me or I'm one of the least manipulative people...and then I feel that I've tricked him (manipulated him) into feeling that way too. :/

Ahaha, this is my very exact feeling when my T says I am not being manipulative, I am "oh no, I am so manipulative that she hasn't noticed it, what a terrible and manipulative person I am!" By being afraid of being manipulative I manipulate people into thinking I am not....

characterized by unscrupulous control of a situation or person.


"she was sly, selfish, and manipulative"


synonyms: scheming, calculating, cunning, crafty, wily, shrewd, devious, designing, conniving, Machiavellian, artful, guileful, slippery, slick, sly, unscrupulous, disingenuous

influencing or attempting to influence the behavior or emotions of others for one’s own purposes: a manipulative boss.

These are the definitions I found in internet dictionaries. I agree with what you all wrote describing the word. I am sitting here alternately eating chocolate and crying and feeling devastated.

Some years ago I gave my T a gift. It was at the six month mark of our relationship. I never even thought I would make it to six months. I was so traumatized by an oldT that I didn't know if I was capable of being in therapy or even surviving what happened. Things were very black at that time.

My T became my light in the darkness. So I gave him this battery candle in a small hurricane lamp. It also had a picture of a leaf on it because we met in the fall. I wrote him a card and thanked him for being my light to help me through the darkest moment. If any of you are familiar with the Lord of the Rings books... it was Galadriel's light. The one that lights the darkness when all other lights have gone out. I told him this. He has told me that he liked my "light" (candle) because it's on a timer and it goes on each day at my appointment time and then goes off 4 hours later. He said when he sees the light he thinks of me. I didn't intend the light to symbolize ME... in my mind the light was HIM. I have over time changed the batteries when it dims or goes out. It feels comforting to know the light is there and for me it means our relationship still exists. I have a very difficult time with object constancy. I "lose" him almost as soon as I leave him and when he's away on vacation it helps to know the light is still burning brightly.

Anyway, Monday in session somehow we began to talk about my gifts... not sure why. And then he said that my gift of the light was a manipulative gift. I emailed him about it two nights ago and he didn't respond. He said it didn't need a response. Okay I did't ask for one.

So we spent today talking about how manipulative is not a bad word and I don't agree with him ...

gotta run

more later

TN

TN, I may have a different idea about the word "manipulative" than others here. To me, manipulative means you are trying to get something from another person without asking for it directly. It could be negative or neutral depending on the kind of means one used to manipulate. Anyway, I would interpret your T's comment to mean that he thought that by giving him a candle that turned on at your appointment time, you were trying consciously or unconsciously to get him to think about you, but without asking for that directly. Now, maybe that wasn't really your intention, but even if it was, it was hardly a bad thing to do. I think it's good if you want him to think about you, and represents a healing step. So that is my opinion, FWIW.

In itself I don't think manipulation or manipulative are necessarily negative terms. I also think it is possible to have benign forms of manipulation.

If I stop at the supermarket and buy my husband a steak and a bottle of wine, I'm wanting him to know that I care for him. Tied up in that is the fact that I want him to think of me in a certain way; as caring, thoughtful. I want him to appreciate me too. When we both forget on a Tuesday evening that we need to put the bins/trash out but we've both just got ready for bed, I might hope to cash in on the fact that I bought steak and wine to get out of not having to go out in the dark and cold to rectify the situation. I guess I kind of put manipulation in the category of the everyday transactions we have other people. That might be overly simplistic... I suppose I am making the distinction between manipulation and deception. I think it is possible to manipulate without deceiving. Morally, it starts to look greyer when there is deception involved.

I'm not entirely satisfied with that answer but I will leave it there since I should probably get some sleep. I would be very interested to hear what your T had to say on the subject.

Hope you are ok

Thank you BLT and Mallard.

BLT I do understand what you are saying and this is more along the lines of what my T was telling me today. The part about trying to get something from someone and it not being always bad but maybe neutral. He said that I always only hear the bad stuff and take it out of context and then make myself suffer for it. He said that everyone can be manipulative. So maybe I don't doubt that part because everyone has needs and they work to get other people to meet those needs or give them what they need in some way or another... but that was NOT how I thought about the gift I gave him. I didn't want anything from him I wanted to give him something about HIM and about the relationship and how I saw it to that six month point in time. Now... it has become a manipulative act on my part in his eyes and the whole very precious experience of giving has now been tarnished beyond repair in my eyes. Because now each time I walk in there and see it I will remember that he believes that light, instead of representing something good represents how manipulative I am.

Mallard, I do believe you example is a very common form of working to get what you want in a benign and harmless way. But... I don't ever remember hearing someone say "oh she's a wonderful person, she is so manipulative." Or, "it's so wonderful how she manipulates people she cares about to get what she wants". No one is ever praised for that. It's a derogatory comment about a person.

I think he put his foot in his mouth with that comment and now he's trying to justify it to me and himself. I don't believe him for a minute and this is the crux of it all... it's all about trust. And this is what we have been working on. My being able to trust him. This is not helping me to do that.

Thanks again. I'm going to have to come to terms with this. Right now I'm in horrible pain.

TN

Cat... Yaku and About... oh dear we all cross-posted. I'll go read your responses and then come back here. I am not ignoring you. I so much appreciate you guys.

Be back

TN

hic and AH... your posts fit into my own reactions at hearing this word directed towards my intentions and my gift.

SP...good point seeing it from the child age of development. I agree it's acceptable to see this is a child and not alarming as they are going through a period of learning how to ask for what they need and how to work out healthy ways to get their needs met.

Maybe the manipulative part of me is the child part. Yet, he also added into that same conversation that the other gifts were "sweet" and he believes they were from the child part.

TN

(((TN)))


Sometimes these T's cause themselves so many unnecessary problems. I know how the word is used in psychotherapy circles but I don't like it at all. It has very negative connotations in the general population. He didn't say you were manipulative though. He said it was a manipulative gift. Most people give to get on some level. Maybe you wanted him to feel special to you so that he wouldn't abandon you. Why muddy up a basic human need with a loathsome word?

Too bad he couldn't have just said, "TN, you wanted something from me when you gave that gift but you couldn't ask for it directly. Do you know what it is you wanted?" Wouldn't that have led to a different conversation?

Did he tell you why he thought it was manipulative and why he thought other gifts were sweet? And how can he tell the difference?

quote:

Too bad he couldn't have just said, "TN, you wanted something from me when you gave that gift but you couldn't ask for it directly. Do you know what it is you wanted?" Wouldn't that have led to a different conversation?

Liese... absolutely. It would have led to a thoughtful and much less hurtful conversation. At least I would not have shut down as I did today and I just yessed him to shut him up. he knew that and said my yes was a "f__k you yes". So be it. I was very sad today because it was C's birthday and I was grieving (which I told him) and then we had to launch into this conversation because I dared to text him to ask if he got my email about explaining why my gift was not given with manipulation in mind.

And no I really don't know why the other gifts are not manipulative. One he said was so brightly colored he felt it was from the child part.

Sometimes I hate him.

TN

Indeed he did not say that you were manipulative, but that your gift was, maybe to bring you to be more aware of what you may have been wanting? Without actual bad connotations, and as a natural "child" way to deal with needs?

(and... thank you a lot for saying you were not ignoring us, I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am )

Yaku and About.... yes! I associate the word with my mom too who was an abuser. And I'm always so fearful of being seen that way so I try not to do it. Yet, he is now telling me that my gift was manipulative. So maybe I'm shocked to even consider that this is how I am inside. Maybe I'm trying to avoid facing how awful I really am and this is just one more flaw that I'm stuck with. Maybe like mother, like daughter and I'm doomed to carry all her bad traits no matter how hard I try not to be like her.

Like you, in fact, I really try NOT to be this way.

Sigh...

TN

Wanting things and not being able to express it is not being awful. It's being human, and I am quite sure that your T sees that, even if he used a ... clumsy word. But learning to recognize one's needs is a process, and your fear of being manipulative says much about who you are: someone caring about others and respecting them enough to not want to manipulate them in the "bad" way.

((TN)) I'm sorry about the troubles with your T. That would... really give me anxiety I'd have probably taken my present away or to hide it. How awful a situation to be in I hope you guys can work it out and I really hope he can communicate that he sees it in a broader concept or something.. it sucks when other people tell us what our intentions were/are. I've had issues like this w/ my Ts also over the years, at times. Thinking of you.

(((TN)))

Has anyone else in life ever told you you were manipulative? If it's something you haven't heard from other people who know you well, I wouldn't take the comment that seriously.

quote:

One he said was so brightly colored he felt it was from the child part.

Hmmm. That doesn't exactly sound like he has this down to a science, does it? Maybe he likes bright colors.

I was in bed trying to sleep and had another thought that I had to share RIGHT NOW. Ugggh. Sometimes I'm a pain even to myself. Anyway, what if that first gift actually blew up his head and later on down the road he felt, for some reason, that it hadn't been given genuinely (for some unknown reason, probably due to his lenses). At which point, he decided your gift was manipulative when the truth (might be)was that he had a need met by the gift and perhaps later on felt betrayed. (I'm exhausted and probably talking in circles so I don't know if this is making sense.)

Of course, I'm just making all this up but it could be a possibility. Why else would he say it was manipulative unless he felt manipulated by it? And he wouldn't have felt manipulated by it unless he had a need to feel like a rescuer/your light??? Just a thought. It's not always the way they think it is.

TN, I agree that ALL people do manipulative things now and then, it only becomes bad when people do it in cruel and abusive ways. Just because you did something your T thought was manipulative in some way does NOT make you just like your mother. That would be like saying someone who stepped on an ant once is just like Hitler because they are both killers.

Or, maybe his child part likes bright colors.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really getting carried away here. If that was offensive, I'm sorry, but I'll leave it up just in case it wasn't offensive.

Hey TN,

I can see this would really sting, given the associations and experience you have with being manipulated - as part of something much bigger and dangerously abusive. I think you can feel safe in the knowledge that you are not dangerously abusive to your T (or to anyone else!) and so manipulation doesn't have that context here. Maybe T wants you to feel safe enough in your concept of self that you can look at actions of your own that might be more 'human' or just emotionally complicated, and come to understand and accept them.

I sort of see where he's coming from with this gift... Bear with me here. The thing is, if it was *all* about the light symbolizing him, and reminding *you* that the relationship exists, wouldn't you have bought the light for yourself and kept it where you could have that reminder? But an important part of this transaction was that you wanted it near him, in his awareness. There is nothing bad about this, and I think it was a very brave, important gift that helped forge the bond between you. And the thing is - he ACCEPTED that gift, and kept it safe and allowed it to be in his awareness. Maybe where the 'manipulation' comes in is that there's something unspoken in the way you describe it. An important part of the gift is that you wanted him to think of you too and you found a way for that to happen (I think a beautiful, inventive way). Maybe if that's acknowledged it might feel a little different?

xxJones

((((TN))))

I hope it's okay for me to say this, but have you ever read Attachment Girl's blog, specifically her posts about keeping a symbolic gift on her T's desk, and the rupture/repair that occurred around it? Hopefully you may have seen it, and if not, reading through her account could be really insightful to this situation I think. (If I'm stepping on any toes by bringing this up let me know, I just figured it was safe since it's public and she has link to her blog in her posts??)

I bring it up because I see so many parallels here with her story of her gift holding such tremendous symbolic weight. Do you think that could be adding to your grief in this situation? I strongly feel that although this is very painful for you, it could hold within this situation an incredible breakthrough of self awareness, much like it did for AG. Maybe the focus should move deeper, not so much as what manipulation does or doesn't mean to any given person, but what really distresses you about how your gift was labeled.

quote:

Now... it has become a manipulative act on my part in his eyes and the whole very precious experience of giving has now been tarnished beyond repair in my eyes. Because now each time I walk in there and see it I will remember that he believes that light, instead of representing something good represents how manipulative I am.

To me, that speaks volumes about just how symbolic this gift really was to you, and rightfully so. I've always felt that gifts in therapy carry a tremendous emotional significance, and any hint of mistreatment, verbally or physically toward them is immensely painful. Yet I also believe that in truly zeroing in on what is so painful about the mistreatment, will speak volumes about the direction therapy work should head. I could be way off, but here are two things I picked up on:

quote:

this is the crux of it all... it's all about trust. And this is what we have been working on. My being able to trust him.

quote:

Maybe like mother, like daughter and I'm doomed to carry all her bad traits no matter how hard I try not to be like her.

I'm wondering if those are two statements that really are at the center of your hurt? This interaction maybe brought those deep seated fears front and center to you in a powerful way, fear of another bad experience with a T, and fear of being like your mom? This is just my two cent opinion, but I personally feel that what manipulative means to T, to everyone here, to every friend you ask, really takes a backseat to what it means to you. What YOU heard, felt, experienced from the word. That's what matters. To me, T should never for a moment argue semantics, or dismiss your distress over an interaction with him. That word, that term, hurt you. And now I think the next step is to discuss why it hurt. What fears you felt, what invalidation to your gift, and yourself you felt. Those things are at the heart of healing, those deeper things, beyond the surface level of words. The feelings behind the words, that's what matters.



(edited to add that I don't want to come across as minimizing how hurtful this was... or suggest that I think you are manipulative in any way, or critcize asking how others would feel about the term... hope it doesn't come across as any of those things
I do feel very badly that T used such a poor choice of words here and don't want to add to your pain by more verbal insensitivity. FWIW I would feel hurt and lost and angry with him as you do over this, and I would also want to know others interpretation of his words. Guess I was attempting to give a new perspective to things in hopes it might prove helpful to see a possible direction to go from here...
I hope T is willing and able to have an honest conversation with you about how this made you feel, because I think it will be most important in gaining ground in healing your relationship with him.
But as I said please don't take my post as brushing off how difficult this is. And I'm also very sorry for all this happening on top of mourning C Hang in there TN...)

TN, I totally agree with what you say about it being commonly used as a derogatory term. Sorry, I don't think that came over well enough in my two posts.

Liese's words about how he could have phrased things make a lot of sense to me. Phrased in terms of wanting something or needing to communicate something without saying the words is way less emotionally loaded.

It's frustrating because we actually place value on manipulation but we use different words. Negotiators for example, advocates, mediators, even good managers who manage to get the most out of the different personalities in their team.

I'm sad that you T came out with something that has you feeling so much pain. I think my head would be in bits if my T had explicitly stated that something I did was manipulative and would have a very hard time working through it.

TN, I love the symbolism of your gift of light to your TN. I also find it interesting that your two quotes in your signature are about light and being rekindled and finding light in darkness. Obviously, light has a very strong connection for you. I can't imagine that your gift was manipulative in a negative way.

Hugs to you.

(((TN)))

Hope you are doing okay. First I would make him promise he will never use that word again with anyone - as most people would be highly insulted if they were told something they did was manipulative.

Then I would move away from the semantics and find out what he was referring to. He's probably trying to help you link two parts of your brain.

Hi TN,

Sorry to be late in this.

Well I can understand how that word would make you feel - I would hate it too and I do think it was a poor choice of word. Ts more than anybody should choose what they say with care, so that there is no possible misunderstanding. So ditto the wise folk who say he would have done better just further questioning you a bit more at the time.

I find it interesting that he is ok with accepting a gift that he felt was from the child part of you - do you think it was? Or do you think that maybe it was more acceptable to him to accept it believing that, because he has some discomfort in accepting gifts. IDK, I always think these little ups and downs with your T maybe stem from his own stuff rather than yours

Anyway I wanted to offer my support and agree that I would feel the same as you for sure!

starfishy

((((TN))))

How are you doing this weekend? Hope you are hanging in there.

((TN)) My own thought, but I totally think the problem or issue is with your "T". We have to remind ourselves they are as "Human" as we are and have weaknesses and issues like the rest of us. He actually may have a problem receiving gifts for whatever reason, and used a very poor choice of words to relay his feelings. I'm sure T thinks he is the one that's suppose to be a strong example for his or her clients at all times, but can be vulnerable like the rest of us. I really dislike "OPEN ENDED STATEMENTS" from a T, and never sure of why they said something, or what they meant because it can create huge anxiety and depression, so I'm hoping you directly ask your "T" again to define exactly what he meant by saying your "Gift was manipulative", and that you need the answer in order to heal!!! I think your T stuck his foot in his mouth and needs to "fess-up".

Thinking about you, TN.

Thank you all for checking in on me. I have been struggling with some pain in my upper leg, thigh area that radiates down my leg and it is excruciating. This is why I haven't been around much. I have tried to keep going to work despite the pain but I'm so exhausted when I get home that I go to sleep (aside from work being so crazy busy). Well last night it got so bad that I was screaming in pain if I tried to move and ended up in the ER (of course no doctors are around on Saturday night so no choice). They took x-rays but said nothing was broken, nothing was dislocated (it felt like my hip was dislocated) and there was no arthritis showing. They gave me crutches to keep the weight off that leg and told me to take ibuprofen and use ice on it. I was glad nothing was drastically wrong but it's a mystery. A few friends have said it sounds like sciatic pain and that was my hunch. I was so anxious last night I just wanted my T to be with me. To hold my hand and tell me it would be okay. Then I remembered that he did hold my hand a few times and I tried to hang onto that. I'm not going to work tomorrow and I'm scared that I won't be able to make it to T's office. I could probably get myself there (he's very close by) BUT.... he has a VERY LONG flight of stairs to his office and I'm not sure I could climb them w/o getting hurt. I really really need to see him and talk to him because I was left in such a bad place last week.

I guess I should call him tomorrow and tell him my concerns. I wish he had a more accessible office (ground floor).

So that is where I am. I am hopeful we can get through my hurt over his comments about my gift.

Thank you again
TN

Sending you careful big warm hugs, TN.

Please take care and I hope you can see T today.

Luv,

The Kid

So Sorry to hear about the pain you have been in TN. I hope you find relief soon. I remember sciatic pain from when I was pregnant. It was very painful. I hope you can find a way to get to therapy today. Maybe T could meet you at the park? Or maybe he knows of some space on the ground floor of his building.

Thinking of you.

Jillann

Hi, TN.

As if your T pain wasn't enough, now you have physical pain as well I"m sorry for all you've been going through. ((((TN))))

The pain you described sounds a bit like the pain that can be caused by passage of a kidney stone. Just a thought...

RabbitEars
(not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV)

Well all... I made it up the stairs to see my T. With the help of ice and Advil my leg was strong enough to do what I needed to do. T was very solicitous of my injury and we had a good session. I was home from work resting today. It was really lovely to just be home to sleep and rest and see T with no pressure to get back to work. I could get used to this... at the very least I would LOVE to work 4 days a week so I have a day for myself.

Back to T: I walked in and turned off my candle and moved it to a bottom shelf where no one could see it. I wished I could smash it because of the pain it brought me. but it is not mine any longer ... it's T's.

I told him about how scared I've been about my leg and having to go to the ER on Saturday. He said I did the right thing. He shared some back pain he has experienced in the past and how it felt. It made me feel less "weird". I have been struggling with feeling very bad about having this injury. Like it's my fault in some way. My dh does not help because he seems to think if I could just run a 5K I would be better and I need to do all kinds of exercise and yoga and Pilates, etc. I guess I'm a complete failure there. I hate exercise because it forces me to be aware that I have a body and I try not to be aware of that. It is also pretty impossible with the pain I'm in.

We talked about how lately he is being less supportive and more challenging and pushy with me and I'm feeling hurt. I also told him how lately he has been ignoring my emails.... not all but it's happened 2-3 times in the past few months (I don't email often) and it has made me feel like something is different with us and I can't trust the relationship because it's changing for some reason. I'm trying to figure out what I did wrong.

I told him how much I needed him over the past few days but I was afraid to call him because suddenly it seems that I cannot talk to him on the phone since he has been so critical of me. I always feel now that I can't tell him anything because I'll say it wrong and he'll be angry with me.

Then I told him like the gift of the candle. I was manipulative and gave him a manipulative gift and now it's tarnished and no one thinks that manipulative is a "good" word. I told him that I looked it up and all the definitions are negative and if that is what he thinks then I'm very hurt.

He laughed and pulled his chair in closer. He told me that I only hear the bad things and I don't take in the good stuff. That he did not ONLY say that... he also told me how wonderful the gift was and how it always makes him think of me even when I'm not there. He said it was an ingenious gift because it "does" something... it lights up each day at my appointment time (no longer since I turned it off) and it makes him smile. He said that the word manipulation is doing something to cause something to happen with someone else. To get some desired reaction from someone else. I kept saying that the word was pejorative. He insisted that he was NOT using it that way. So we went back and forth with this for a bit. Then he told me that he purposely used a word that would get this reaction from me because he wants me to understand my impact on other people and he wants me to know and take it in and feel empowered and not a victim. He said he does nothing on impulse but there is always a reason for what he does. I DO know this... he is very proactive in treatment and rarely just lets things meander around. He told me that there is a cognitive aspect even to psychodynamic therapy that is necessary to getting well and he knows that I don't like that part (hell yeah) but he said that without it I won't get well. He said he expects me to kick and scream because that is what I do. But eventually I come around (I hate that he knows me so well). Then he reminded me that he called me prissy and pathetic in the past and we got through that. I told him it may help if he was a bit more warm and fuzzy with this stuff. He laughed and said when he is warm and fuzzy I don't even hear him. I block that stuff out. I guess I do. It's so hard to take in the good things he says. It's like I run it through my head and it does not click with anything that is in there so my brain spits it back out. How could he care be real? He's not my parent really and my own parents didn't recognize any good stuff about me. All my mom could say was that I was "passable". Or she would say I looked okay BUT... and then tell me all the things I should do to look better, be better, etc. Then of course, oldT told me good things about me and just when I dared to begin to believe him, he banished me from his life and took away my therapy, T-dog that I loved and left my son also with no T. So...yeah... I'm supposed to believe the good stuff he says?? That sounds insane to me.

So of course he insisted that our relationship is good and solid because he likes me and is attached to me and invested in my healing so no matter how many disruptions or disagreements we have he is not going anywhere. It's not like I think he's going away (well most of the time) but I fear he is just tolerating me and hates spending time with me. Or that I'm going to wear him out and eventually he will find a way to pull out of my life.

He told me I did a good job today and that I worked hard and he was glad I made it in to see him. I was glad too. He looked nice today in his stripped shirt and I like when he sits closer to me. I feel more connected that way.

So that's it for today.

TN

TN: I am so glad your session went well today with your T. I think he genuinely likes having you as a client and I love that he moved in closer today and, in doing so, made you feel more connected

I have been thinking of you. I am glad he is not going anywhere and he is committed to seeing this journey with you through 'til the end.

All the best,
T.