jill
oh, i can really relate to your fear. what does trauma therapy look like? I think it can really vary. it has for me just within my own therapy. pacing is a big part of it, and even the work you are doing now is a part of it. i do a little emdr, as i am ready, talking, and even ofr me, a lot of walking through horse poo - litterally and figuratively. it's a journey, it involves a lot of stopping and starting, coming close and moving back, risk, exploring, screwing up, and getting up again, and just taking it day by day... that's what it is for me. which I realize that is a very vague description... I'd really encourage you to ask your T about it. She may be able to help even explain how the work you are doing now will link to the future - and likely be integrated into that future trauma work. And I know it is always WAY TOO SLOW! but I have done the route of rushing into it and it was disaterous. slow and steady and paced trauma work often is the quickest path - which drives me nuts...

hang in there,
~jane

i don't know that i will even know where to begin to talk about what has happened. it was mostly all so 'incidental' and minor, but cumulatively, the effect was so strong, and so debilitating. just not ever being held or nurtured or reassured or even eye contact with parents. always having, out of shame or what i don't know, but never feeling comfortable with their eye contact. never getting it...talk about feeling sub-par. i don't know, more details than that, the ridicule, the sarcasm, the humiliation. but all subtle, that, how do you innumberate that? how is it 'trauma' what DIDN'T happen, more than what did?? y'no, it was almost all just what was NOT there? sometimes i feel it doesn't even qualify...that i am too sensitive, needy, all the above....except the sa stuff, but that was i think less damaging than the lack of comfort, security and hugs.

i hate this feeling that my trauma is minor and i should be able to just 'get over it'...but that it has effected me for so long, idk.

i fear the 'touching', i feel ridiculous needing held, rocked, it all feels so ridiculous to me...is there no other way around this all??

that all has me so nervous.

thanks though, strm and janedoe, for your responses. yes, the slower the better. i feel you are right in that, i gotta get these skills up and quit trying to push it all forward faster than i am ready, just thinking magically it will get it over with faster.

i don't want to go there, but, i am headed there. were y'all terrified? or did it seem the natural place to go?

did your t 'prompt' you? to get you to speak? i feel i could only answer questions, no more than that. maybe things will change later.

thanks friends, jill

jill
no trauma, no hurt, no pain is too "minor." I recently shared a story with my T about the lack of something - a story that was like that. I thought it was small, even though my hurt was huge, my T thought it was profound and awful. So becareful what you label as small or big. No matter what, it matters. If it affected you then or now, it matters. PERIOD. My T once told me of things that really affected another client, and although they seemed small, they were really not, and really important. I struggle a lot too thinking Iam just too sensitive. I don't think you are "too sensitive" and I certainly don't think you are sensitive in any bad way at all. I told my T about it recently - and she said, "well, first of all you have been through awful things most people should never have to deal with, that no child or adult should have to cope with, and yeah, you are sensitive, and it's affected youall the more, and your parents should have treated you with more care, not less, because you are. it's just how you were created nd it's not a bad thing jane." I would say the same to you - even if you are sensitive, and I am not saying that you are, but if you are, that means all the more reason to treat yourself with kindness and compassion. I used to HATE, and I mean hate, the fact that I am sensitive. But being around the horses (sorry to bring them up again) I have learned that there can be real strength that comes from having a sensitive heart and spirit. They are VERY sensitive, and yet very resilent and strong... and people who work with them, the best ones are the same too. (I have the sensitivity, but not the strength... not yet.) The strength of the horse doesn't cancel out the sensitivity - and that very sensitivity is what makes the traumatized ones so able to heal. It's really confusing to me - but amazing to watch. I finally am finding a little space to not hate my own sensitivity so much, and I hope you can give yourself some grace there too, if you are sensitive. It doesn't invalidate what you have been through at all!

I fear touching - heck, eye contact can be hard for me. It's getting easier. and then it gets harder. and then it gets easier. You are doing all the right stuff or it to get easier in time. And it's a weird paradox. I feel so silly and so stupid for longing to be close and yet fearing it like crazy and hating me for wanting that... I'm learning to stop judging. sorta learning. More like my T just tells me over and over and over and I think it is sinking in a little. sometimes. for a moment. I'm rambling, but just wante dto say I can really relate, and don't beatr yourself up so much about it! it's kinda really normal I think to feel what you do. I've ever been held physically, and anything like that freaks me out too. So I am learning to take really small steps. With horses! I can't even think about it with humans! I am learning to let a horse just rest it's head against me. or follow me around, or gaurd me from a rambuncious horse. It's kinda like being held, and scares me, but every tie, I take a small step closer and it gets easier. At first it was simply just not walking away quite so fast or ar. Now it's standing still for as long as I can. Not getting defensively playful or silly but just letting the tears come and letting the horse be near... and my T too... just near. The whole pocess freask me out, but the next small step doesn't so much...

Things will change over time. How does trauma come up? It seems to come up when life brings it up, when my T asks about it, when I talk about it... at first, it did take my T asking me. And I was super vague at first. Grandually, I filled in more details and more of it. Now, I can bring it up myself.

But you are doing the work and doing great with it jill!

STRM, thanks, yes, so much was what didn't happen, and, i tell you, a part of me just feels that to speak of all these little trivial things (no eye contact, never being hugged or told i was loved) just seems so 'waa waa' / 'get over it jill' that to mention it as trauma, i don't know, feels ridiculous. so thanks for speaking to that. and yes, touch...i can't see me being comfortable there, but, i like how you say it can or doesn't have to be used. this processing how it effects your body and where. that seems to make sense, and as i try to think in those terms things become more alive to me, which is good and bad, but with a t, more comfortable.

yes, me too, more scary to stay where i am than to move through it all. thanks for your reassurance, i too like what you say about following the physical symptoms and really listening to them...points to be aware of....thanks!

janedoe, what you say about what you label as big or small is interesting, as at times, there has been things that i mention off-handed that really strike a chord with a t...things i didn't think were that big of a deal. my radar is so 'askew' that it is hard to know what is significant.

i like what you say about being sensitive. i know there are some benefits, i can see what you are saying about the horses. and, being a mom, sensitivity is useful...although even there, i think i put feelings into my kids that aren't even there. but thank you for validating me...i am in CONSTANT need of validation, and honestly, that is a huge part of why i fear the trauma work...like she will be thinking 'hmmmm, is that all that happened to this lady?? wow, she really is a princess with the pea under her mattress'...which i know is not true, but then a part of me thinks it is only human to perceive that as a therapist, of course they use judgment in therapy, not that they are judgmental, but, there has to be a measure. and then i always feel like whatever the measure, i don't measure up...not even being 'abused enough' to warrant all my mental shitness!

and the touching. yes, eye contact is something i can see she is working on, sometimes i feel she holds it, in silence, just to see how long i can stay there til i crack by looking away or saying something. i try to expand my tolerance. she seems to challenge it. but not in a mean way, i think, in a trust building way. janedoe, what you say about being 'held', even emotionally, sounds so healing...about NOT walking away quite so fast or so far...standing still for as long as you can, and NOT getting defensive or using humor (my big defense of choice) to take the moment away to an easier edge...small steps, i hear you. and yes, prompting by t is going to probably HAVE to be the way it comes up. i do think she is good, so, i should feel fairly secure....this whole idea of facing these fears head on just is frightening....as you well know.

thank you all! one step at a time here, jill

Hi Jill,

Honestly, I really don't know anything about trauma therapy. I just wanted to comment on a few things that resonated with me, and hopefully they can help you a little.

I do have some reactions - like dissociating, numbed emotions, lack of memories - that characteristically stem from traumas, but I really don't know if I've had any. Lack of memories seems to be the culprit for the not knowing. Frustrating! I didn't seek my T out for this, but along with other specialities, she does happen to specialize in trauma, which I suppose has been helpful in having her recognize when I'm dissociating. She has quite an uncanny ability for knowing, too.

I worry all the time (literally...ALL the time) about whether I just came up with these dramatic reactions to things that weren't that bad at all. I told my T in my last session that it seems like I'll only accept that I completely shut myself off from my emotions when I pinpoint the one point in time where I decided (consciously) that I didn't want to feel emotions anymore. Of course, I don't think that's ever a conscious decision, but I also don't think there is one event that caused it. I think it was an accumulation of moments of humiliation, invisibility, invalidation, and maybe there was one final straw. My T responded by saying that there could be one event or it could be an accumulation...to me, it just doesn't seem 'valid' for me to have these reactions unless there was one egregious moment that can explain everything. I just don't think it's there. All of that is to say that I very closely relate to your thinking that the abuse wasn't "enough" to warrant the fallout.

I'm really bad with eye contact in session. Sometimes, there are sessions where I only look at her maybe 4 or 5 times for the entire hour, and that's only for a few seconds at a time. I rarely ever look at her when I talk about stuff unless it's fairly harmless, like talking about paying the bills or something. It's when it gets more personal that I can't look at her. Also, I have a hard time looking at her when she tells me things - especially when they're things that legitimize me, my experiences, what I'm going through - because I fear taking that in as truth. Sometimes I berate myself for not being able to keep eye contact with her, but most of the time I actually don't. We've never talked about it, but I know my T understands why it's hard, and I suspect that yours does, too. Even something as small as that stems from our past, and when you put it in that context, it's easier to recognize that even extending eye contact is an intricate part of the process.

My T held me once a few sessions ago, and I have a hard time not feeling ridiculous about it afterward. But, at the time, I asked from another place - a more vulnerable place - and it didn't feel so ridiculous at the time. It was also during a bit of a crisis, and I think my T pushed me a little further to get to that place so that something could shift and get me out of the dangerous place I was in. We haven't talked about it since then, she hasn't pushed like that again, and I haven't asked to be held. I haven't even considered it. Don't feel pressured that being touched and/or held is something that has to happen immediately. You will know if and when you want to be touched or held, and from what your T sounds like, it doesn't seem as if she would ever pressure you to do something like that before you were at least partially comfortable with it.

Take care, Jill. I like reading about your experiences with your T, because she sounds like she's really helping you in a profound way. It is very hard, but I hope things continue to progress for you.

Hugs,
Kashley

jill

I think what kashley said might be really helpful to you

quote:

My T held me once a few sessions ago, and I have a hard time not feeling ridiculous about it afterward. But, at the time, I asked from another place - a more vulnerable place - and it didn't feel so ridiculous at the time

I used to spend ages analysing things that I'd done or said in session, that ordinarily I wouldn't have done. But kashley is right, when we are vulnerable our needs are different. Jill have you asked your T what her policy is on touch? That might allay some of your fears if she has a no-touch policy anyway. For me safe touch at those vulnerable times has been so important. It taught me that I could retell my trauma story and not have to go it alone; that someone was there with me who understood, made that physical connection, touched me when I felt dirty, held me when I shed the first few tears and waited to be hurt or ridiculed again, only instead to find care and support. When I am functionning outside of the trauma memories I do not need this so deeply but I have learnt to accept that this touch is safe and helpful. Now I realise that I wouldn't have been able share nearly so much if I hadn't been held - for me someone sitting as a bystander and not intervening in my distress would be so triggering in itself. I know we are all different and our Ts are all different too, what is good for one is not for another. But I wanted to reassure you maybe that touch needn't be harmful or scary if it is safely given.

starfish

uh o!

she asked me to make a list of 'resentments' as i feel i have so much anger.

dbt session this week was pretty flat. felt like 'i knew this stuff', not emotional, idk, kind of didn't know why i was there...i asked her, and she reminded me why, but i forgot what she said. probably something about my emotional regulation skills being kinda low!!

anyway, next week, she asked me to make a list of resentments...i feel a bit scared to do this, i will, but, ouchie, this is sounding kindof like some trauma work...

is it?? what will happen?? i read the list and try to act 'cool' and she pokes and prods my emotions/feelings til i crack?? i know she is not mean, i am not saying that, but, just what WILL we DO with this list??

anyone been here before??

i feel like i am on the diving board, not on the edge, but, maybe easier to go to the edge than back on down the ladder....but, geez, i hope there is water in the pool.

jill

DF, thanks. yes, i have not begun to list this stuff out, a bit overcome by numerating them, it feels that there are so many. mainly having to do with my childhood neglect by my parents. emotional neglect and psychological neglect and abuse...mainly my mom, but also my silent father. probably the biggest resentment is to myself for the massive denial i covered this all with for 40+ years, and acted in a co-dependent relationship with them, just living at dire odds with the reality of my life. for fear of looking at the truth. resentment at the lack of appreciation EVER by my parents to fully recognize my blind obedience to their system of dysfunction. oooooo....i feel it boiling. but yes, there is much self directed resentment at me for being so blind and giving up so much of my life for the continuation of the lie.

major triggers here for me....wow, i didn't even know quite what to write until i started writing it to you. pow!

ok, uh, i see where she is going.

funny, she is able to git right where it hurts. bingo.

i guess then she isolates fact from fiction, and pays attention to the body response and tries to nuetralize it?? exposure therapy??

wow, i see we have alot to cover.

thanks for getting me started df...jill