I'm so confused about this. I've been really confused about myself lately, especially since yesterday my suspicions about my therapist were raised so much so that I question what trust actually feels like.

When I go to see her, I'm excited and pleased to see her. I get nervous. It's like I have a crush (I'm not even sure if I do or not). But for some reason I get this feelings that things arn't real. For her to listen to me feels unreal.

I feel like she is too boundaried anyway.

Yesterday was the first session I hadn't seen her in one month. Anyway, I was suspicious about her neutrality in session. She feels very guarded but I'm not sure. Like she's watching on the sideline almost. I've been suspicious about that for ages. Anyway one month ago at end of session I asked if she was a mother. She said that we could talk about it in next session.

So at the end of this session, I asked her 'are you a mother' and she replied 'you ask this at the end of session. Lets discuss it next time'. She wants to get into my pathology of why I would want to know. Sure, its useful. I want her to be an image and likeness of the mother I never had. I think I crave it a lot.

I said to her 'can you not just answer with a yes or no' and she repeated 'lets talk about this in next session'. I said 'but what's so difficult about answering now?' and she replied 'in life things can be complicated' or something along those lines which said to me that she was a mother but somehow lost a child or lost something.

I know she's experienced tragedy. when i was crying in session once she looked at me very empathetically and said 'i understand what you are going through, i have been through it and it does get better'.

she also refers to her clients as her 'babies'.

no problem with that though i feel a bit patronized by it and furthers my suspicion of her. I got a bit rude at the end and angry/frustrated and said to her 'maybe you decided to become a therapist because you cant have kids'. She didn't reply to it. She kept silent whilst I paid her and I turned to he rand said 'I've pissed you off haven't i?' to which she replied 'I'll see you next week'. I could see that she was holding herself from retorting. I said to her again after that response 'so I have pissed you off then' and she repeated 'I'll see you next week'.

I can understand if its a harsh topic for her. I worry about my paranoia about all this because it has made me feel really rubbish. I feel needy of her (it almost feels like we could bond on a very good level outside of therapy but im aware that im needy of closeness), very empathetic of her tragedy (whatever it was) to the point of wanting to protect/rescue her (for some reason I became very sad at the fact that she's experienced bad stuff. It made me cry afterward), shameful for being rude and angry at her, distrusting because I keep suspecting that she's become a therapist to fill the void of what she lost and generally upset because therapy with her will end quite soon.

But what does trust feel like? my friend, on response to this said to me that it sounds like i dont trust her.

...but I'm SO attached to her. I need her so much to the point where i have dreams of wanting to get closer to her a lot of the time.

can you be attached to someone yet not trust them?

because despite what happened, i still feel the need to have to see her.

what does trust FEEL like? in the body, in mind,..

im so confused about this. x