I wrote a bit in my journal today about this and thought i would share cause I could use some feedback... im so perturbed....

I'm upset because this is I dont know... maybe a week latter since I have had this dream and it's STILL bothering me. I can't figure out what all of the reasons are as dreams are not real. I even feel real emotions of anger and sadness and many other ambiguous sensations flood me.

Scene: I get a letter from my dad stating that he bought an airline ticket for me to visit him. I was happy. I had no thoughts as to this being a bad thing.. On the day I was to leave, mom and I went to the airport and I had to take my manual wheelchair, laptop, smaller suitcase and backpack through airport security which was a REAL PAIN. My mom was allowed through with me and we did not know what airline I was getting on! I didn't have a ticket in hand but someone said that I would get it at the gate. We found out somehow that I would be flying into Newark NJ and had to take this particular moving staircase (not quite a escalator or moving sidewalk) and we end up in a area with a ice cream place, snack shop and the typical airplane boarding 'waiting area.' My mom gets coffee and I wanted some ice cream or something like that. I check in and when the plane is there, suddenly I'm hit with OMG< WHAT the HECK AM I DOING?????? I CAN"T JUST Gooooooo BE with HIM in HIS apartment!!!!! I was struck with the idea that IF i go, I could say that the ONLY way I stay is that he check me into a hotel. I am mortified that none of this has entered my thought process until now and even the more so very angry at my mom for NOT saying anything and going along with the whole plan..... in fact encouraging it!!


Back to "real" life:
Anywayssss, I didnt tell my mom about the dream straight away but eventually did and she thought it was quite wild and realistic in a strange way. A few days latter.. i guess like yesterday, I felt literally angry at her or angry feelings because IF the dream were real, I felt that she wouldn't have helped me remember and think about the implications of what was going on. I tell my mom this and she didnt deny it. She said well she thionks I need to talk to him anyways.. blah blah.. same ole.... .and that she would have siad something to me like.. well How will you deal with that' Than she said something like how Im 30 and should be able to deal with that. I said.. Helloooooooooooo PTSD.... has NOthing to do with age! Sighhhh..... so I guess even though it was ALL JUST a dream, Im feeling very upset, agitated and even depressed over the whole thing......

sigh

A very unhappy butterfly (warrior)