I was just thinking today, about how therapy can feel so much like spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere, especially if you've been going for years. I've had more than a few times of 'burnout' and just decided I couldn't keep going anymore, but have always been glad when I decided to not quit, and usually was on the verge of learning something profound when I wanted to quit the most.

In thinking of all this, it's made me realize that it might be a good idea to pause from time to time and really evaluate what things have come as a result of all this effort, because sometimes it's more than you realize... here's a list of the gems I've picked up so far. Most were learned through pain, but I tend to view this a bit like working out a muscle- it may be very exhausting and painful at the time, but eventually you notice a new strength that wasn't there before. (And I've also learned a TON from reading on the forum!!)

So far I've learned over the years:

1. that the root of my self hatred and self punishing stemmed from a need to protect my parent's image as 'good' as a child. It was essential for me to preserve their image as safe and good, and the way I did that was to view myself as the problem. The work now is to untangle that lie from the truth, which is an ongoing process, which requires an open mind and a great deal of patience.

2. (hope this isn't too triggering, I know this is a painful subject)- I learned that boundaries were even a thing, that they even existed!! and in a most painful manner, I learned that despite how excruciating they can feel in therapy, they are absolutely there for a client's best interest. I think if I'd never seen the other side of that, I'd never believed it, so in a way seeing that 'the hard way' might be one of those 'blessings in disguise'? (I'm trying to see it that way at the moment) The experience has caused a total change in my perspective of therapeutic boundaries. I like to imagine how you can view a fence in two ways- is it a nuisance, keeping you away from something wonderful? Or a protection, keeping something harmful away from you?

3. I learned that I can survive far more than I ever imagined, and come out smiling again at some point on the other side of it. In a way I'm thankful to have seen just how much I can withstand, because I can draw on that knowledge and experience when things get scary in the future. And someone very wisely pointed out to me once, that you are in a unique position to reach and empathize with others in pain when you have been there in back yourself.

4. Even though it is essential to have a connecting and understanding relationship with T, I can never receive enough outside validation to fill my need to validate my experiences from within. No matter how much another person believes me, comforts me, acknowledges my pain, until I believe myself, I am still wanting for more. I have to learn to genuinely feel compassion for myself, and experiences and believe and trust that my pain is real and worthy of being tended to.

5. healing is possible, we can heal and find connection with others and hope again. At one point I had no idea that change was even an option... my childhood taught me that the way you are, is the way you are forever. It was a massive relief to learn that scientifically, the brain can rewire neurons and pathways and create new lines of thought patterns altogether, with enough practice and patience. I'm still learning much about that, but the knowledge of healing being an option is massively comforting. Yay for science!

6. I learned that I need to constantly remind myself to 'take a breather' because I tend to get utterly obsessed with the goal of healing, and miss the journey along the way. I forget to stop and laugh, or take in the present moment. Laughter is one of the most soothing balms to the soul, and any chance to incorporate it into life should be taken advantage of. I was watching my dogs today and just thought 'look at how in the moment they are...' they aren't worried about the future or regretting the past, they're just taking in all the present has to offer. Sometimes they are my biggest reminder to get back in touch with my senses, smell the roses so to speak. (literally!) And keeping track of what I'm thankful for is vital to having the right mindset to keep going.

7. I learned that there is a risk in reaching out to another, and I have done so and been hurt. But I don't regret it. I don't regret any of the relationships I've given a chance and been hurt by. It has always been worth the pain and fear, even when I've been badly hurt. Because no matter how things turn out, the person will either be a 'blessing or a lesson' as the saying goes. Some of the people who caused me the most pain, have also caused the most growth in me. That includes T's and other people in my life.

And I've also just started a 'therapy binder', which I'm really now liking the idea of. It's just a 3 ring binder that I'm storing all of the things I've printed off about coping strategies, handouts my T has given me, research I've done. And I keep pictures in it of those who motivate me most, the people I love and keep doing this for on the days I no longer feel like doing this for my own sake. Pictures of anything that reminds me of better times, or hoped for better times. Quotes for more positive thoughts, even text messages I gotten that brought me to tears when someone sent me a thoughtful message and I knew in that moment they cared. In the back of it I have the gift my 1st T gave me at our termination session years ago. It's turned out to be a lot more emotional and moving of a project putting it all together than I realized it would be.

So, how about you guys? Anything that has come to you as an Aha! moment along the way?