Hey there Janedoe,

I’m so sorry you’re having such an awful time. I echo what Monte has said and want you to know you are in my thoughts too.

Want to say too that you haven’t ruined everything by freaking out - it’s where you’re at and you have to try and not blame your feelings for causing this. You shouldn’t have to control and stuff your pain and confusion to accommodate others. It’s just so unfair that other people around you have chosen to effectively go behind your back without talking to you first. Did anyone actually come to you and check out how you were, did any of them care enough to come and see if they could help you? I know it’s ended up with your being penalized for it and that’s hard not to see it as being all down to you - I just hope you can stay strong enough to sort this out. Talking to the managers with your DBT therapist sounds like a very good idea.

Going on a retreat also sounds like a good idea, going someplace where you don’t have to tippytoe around upsetting other people. I don’t know what sort of hospital it is that you’re thinking of going to, but giving yourself a break from having to keep controlling your pain like this all the time sounds like it could take quite a bit of the pressure off you.

Sorry I don’t know too much about your story (except the pain you’re being subjected to at the hands of your P) but just want you to know you’re not alone in dealing with this.

Lamplighter

((((((JaneDoe))))))

I just want to echo what Monte and Lamplighter said. You've been through some incredibly hard stuff lately. So many others have been way too hard on you lately. Please try not to be so hard on yourself! I'd be screaming too if I'd gone through what you've gone through. Getting away for a breather sounds like a good idea, where you can take a break and get your bearings.

As for the "eviction" - I'm glad they're open and willing to discuss this with you. And so glad you'll have someone there with you as an advocate.

Please keep talking to us through all of this...I will be thinking of you!

SG

monte and Lamplighter and strummergirl - thank you for the prayers and thoughts. I have read your words and wow... you all are so kind and gracious. It brought tears to my eyes - in a good way.

I’m feel like I have been hit by a train.

I met with the apartment managers. All things considered, it went ok-ish. I have a little good news. They are willing to “suspend the eviction process” to allow me to go to the hospital out of state and “restart” the process when I get back. At least I have some time. And right now, I’ll take any good news I can get.

And even before I met with them, I decided to go to the hospital program. My mom bought the ticket and they confirmed admission. I leave next Monday.

I'm scared to go. However, the DBT therapist pointed out that much of it is group therapy or art therapy and that kind of stuff. That feels much less scary than one on one counseling. It’s also a short term residential program for 2-3 weeks. I can leave for certain times during the day, and I won’t be there forever. It’s totally voluntary too.

So I’m very cautiously hoping it will help, maybe...

Most of all, I am hoping that maybe it will at least it will be a place to get away, rest, and recover before jumping into life here – especially before having to move. (what have I done?)

right now, I’m trying to just think of this next step of going to this program and getting away. Moving is scaring me. My hurt and anger and freaked-out-ness is scaring me and wearing me out. If I think of moving and I just fall apart and get so messed up about it.

Another thing that helped me decide to go is that they allow patients to bring laptops and cell phones and use them during a part of the day and they encourage patients to stay connected to people back home. I told two dear friends I am going and they are asked (before I mentioned it) if they can email and call me while I am there. I think that will help me not feel so alone...

I’m really messed up and facing more pain and damage than I can even imagine - some serious problems caused my be, and too much damage caused by others.

But then you all here, and the connection w my two friends today, it helps me keep going.

thank you...

Hey, JaneDoe! I'm so glad to see the update. It sounds like today's meeting went reasonably well for you. The plans are in place, you've got some support, and a space in which to breathe a little and make some decisions. It will all turn out okay...just try to take it easy and don't try to solve everything at once. You will figure it out. SG

SG - thanks
blackbird - good to "meet" you and thanks too for the thoughts

I just got confirmation of the plane ticket. I hope I am doing the right thing. 6 days to hold it together, get things squared away, and go...

I hope being there will help and not just leave me even worse off. It's a short term residential program - I'm in therapy or meeting with doctors and ecterta for 9-12, lunch, a group from 1-2 then everyone does dinner together at 6, and optional groups at 7-8. whew. I'll also be meeting with the nuerology doctors while there...

It's a big complex of medical / mental health stuff and there are other building with outpatient and inpatient programs. They have a small rec center and a library that patients can use.

The intake counselor was telling me about how to get to the communter train nearby to go into town or places nearby during the free hours...

I really like that I can leave and come back.

But I am scared.

I am scared to stay here. I will undo me and whatever is left of my life.

I am scared to go. I don't have much hope that the staff will help, but I want to think they can. Right now I'm just holding on to the hope that maybe being away from here will help...

This is so hard.

My insurance called yesterday and wanted to talk about billing problems with my former T. I got really upset and told them to leave me alone about it. (They have been not very happy about me going to this hospital as is...) I told them I would talk to them about it when I got back. I hung up. They emailed me about it. I blocked their email. They called me again. I didn't answer. I'm calling the phone company and blocking thier number too. (Has no one heard of postal mail?!) I was really upset. I almost lost it again. I didn't want to deal with them or whatever problems they were having with the former primary T's claims. I'm so upset as is about her that I'm being evicted - enough is enough. I have to stop me. They can wait, they can battle it out with her, or they all can sue me for all I care! Just wanted them to leave me alone...

I HAVE to change me. I almost lost it again. AGAIN. What is wrong with me?!

My old DBT t is sorta back to being involved... She helped me get admitted, and is going to see me tomorrow and maybe next tuesday before I get on the plane to go, and is going to call and talk with me while I am there - to help "support you and your work there" and "transitioning back here" - and the hospital staff is very supportive of it. I'm mixed - but hearing her familar calm voice while in a place 2,000 miles from home and everything and everyone I know... I think that will help. I told her that that her and I talking about the former T is off limits for me for now, even if she or I talk to the hospital staff about it. I just can't do it. I feel too hurt about it even with her.

I have so much to do. I'm in the middle of submitting applications to return to school this summer and fall in the middle of all of this. ugh. Somehow it helps for me to keep trying to do the rest of life as much as possible without melting down. Then all of this seems so much less scary.

I'm so scared. I must sound like such a mess - and I am. I can't believe this is really me, my life, what I have done - but it is. Life wasn't supposed to turn out this way...

You are in my prayers, Jd.

Hi Jane Doe... I have been following your story and I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to mention that instead of feeling so scared you could try to look at yourself and see how amazingly brave you are to be doing this. You are taking a big step to take care of yourself and that is a very positive thing. This is not easy considering what you have been through but you are so courageous. Instead of focusing on all the things you think you have done wrong look at all you have done right. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. You have taken care of your cat, you have talked to your oldDBT T for support, you are looking to the future with school. All good things. You will do well at the program so please try to see it as a good thing. You need some rest and peace and some time to just focus on feeling better.

Have a safe trip. I wish you the best. Please let us know how you are doing.

TN

Thanks True North -

p.s. that quote is one of my FAV.

__________________________________________________________

I’m leaving tomorrow. Whoa.

My flight is a red-eye flight, it was the only way to get to the clinic/hospital between 8 and 5pm.

I’m really going. I’m really scared. The counselor who did mu take told me I should bring my own comforter and pillow. Just to be copmfy. They have bedding, but it’s hospital style… even though it’s a very open short term (2-3 weeks) residential facility. Sure enough, I am dragging an extra suitcase with a my comforter and pillow in it. Somehow, having a comfy familiar bed to crawl into at night seems like a really good idea (and worth the amazing amount of luggage I’ll drag there.)
I’m scared. I am going to be so far away from home and anyone I know. The good thing is that they encourage phone calls and emails back home (during the free hours). I’ve told a couple of friends and I have been just shocked and amazed with how cool they have been about this. They are totally supportive and said they will email and call and handle things back home if needed…

Whoa. No “gee you are a FREAK, I can’t be friends with you anymore!” Not at all - just a lot of kindness, some confusion, and a lot of grace and support.

I’ve been working so hard doing so much to get things squared away to go – I haven’t really stopped and really let it sink in. I think that may be a good thing.

I’m just still scared and still going.

I think I just needed to say that.

(((((JaneDoe)))))

I'm so glad to hear of all the support you are getting, even down to making sure you have a comfy bed You need and deserve that. And I'm proud of you for going even though you are feeling scared. Like Monte said, that's called courage! Courage isn't the lack of fear, but taking the right action in spite of it. I'll be thinking of you, hoping and praying that this is a time that you can rest and re-center and begin healing. And I look forward to hearing from you when you get the chance to post again.

Hugs,
SG

I'm here...

second night at the short term (2-3 weeks) residential program. Whoa...

so much is swirling around in my head...

will post later.

I think I am really glad I am here - and it is really hard to be here too.

Hi Janedoe

Good to hear that you’re glad you are there - that sounds really promising. Best wishes with it all.

Hi JaneDoe!

Glad to hear you made it there, I've been wondering about you and how it was going. Thanks so much for touching base here with us. I hope this proves to be a restful and healing time for you. And I hope lugging that extra suitcase turned out to be worth it to have your own comforter and pillow.

SG

Hi JD - Congrats from me on making it there and I hope it's going beautifully. If you check in with us again while you are there, know that we are still here and will be when you get back - maybe that will add a little continuity as you change environments. For now, hope you are getting all the rest and support in the world from that place.

Hi JaneDoe
So good to hear from you and know you are ok. How good too to have such positive reactions from your dear friends back home. That must send you on your journey with a deal of comfort.

Glad you have computer access and freedom to keep your individuality - and those important comfort items that make us feel safe. Take care and allow the people there to help as they can and maybe let yourself be looked after and nurtured for a while.

starfish