(((AH))))

I really don't know what to say other than to ask if you really want to stay with this T? If she be empathic towards you in your first session, I dunno if she is a good match. Hot and sexy does not sound appropriate at all to me regardless of the context. Something is off. Didn't you say she knows him?

x

Hi Armored Heart -

I don't think we've talked before, hi. I saw this and a couple of your other posts on this subject and felt the urge to put 2c in.

Firstly, I want to totally endorse what you write above. It feels totally honest, direct, and a very clear and passionate statement of what you need (what anyone might need) from a T in this situation. Everything you write seems absolutely reasonable to me. Three cheers for you.

The reason I wanted to chip in is that, without wanting to distress or concern you further, I am hearing some warning bells about the situation with the new T. I have, unfortunately, been involved with a couple of very difficult situations where a T's objectivity is compromised by their relationship with another T or Ts. With supervisory and other support networks in the background, plus personal warmth/friendship, plus the professional obligation to stand guard and ACT to protect clients where necessary, it can be extremely messy and challenging for the Ts. Which means it gets even more messy for the clients.

I gather you have some previous history with the new T, which would probably mean there are some particular advantages to seeing her again. But I just wanted to say, your instinct that their relationship could compromise how open she is to hearing what's happened is right on. We don't know for sure that it IS compromising her, but it's perfectly true that it easily might. And if it does, she might not know it. She's human - as human as anyone.

You may find that you can now take your concern to her and she handles it beautifully and you get to a place quite quickly where you feel safe. But you might not, too - or you might find you feel safe for a little while and then things come unstuck again. If you have other good options for seeing someone who has NO relationship with either of these Ts (not always easy if you live in a smaller community) please keep them in mind.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm pretty liberal minded by nature, but in my book, after long experience, the kinds of things that your former T said to you are NOT ok for a male T to say to a female client, unless a safe context is absolutely crystal clear for both parties, and even then, probably not. At the very least, he was really incautious, and that shows that he lost his judgement. One has to ask why, or how far that would have gone.

Wishing you strength for getting into a T situation where you DO feel safe and heard about this.

I absolutely love your insight, AH. It's something I most def admire!
I think what you'd like to say is totally spot on. But...(always gotsta be a but...) please please don't invalidate yourself with this:

quote:

Not to again rehash my laundry list of pains,

because you've already been invalidated by others that you've trusted and relied on and I think this is a wonderful opportunity you're taking to be validating - for yourself. And you truly deserve this moment with new T to be for you.

AH... that was very well written and I think you should print it out and take it to session with you and read it to her. It really summarizes your feelings and your reaction to her statements and her behavior in that first session.

As someone who was terminated harshly by a T, I had that fear that all other T's would look at me and think I had done something horribly wrong for a T to throw me out so harshly and abruptly. I was terrified that no T would want me for a patient and no T could possibly take MY side in all of this. It didn't help that I was blaming myself for what happened. I blamed myself for things that were NOT my fault and my oldT should have known better.

The first T I saw after my abandonment by oldT scared me to death with all his talk about keeping very stringent boundaries with me ... like I was some out of control boundary pushing woman. I was terrified of bumping into any boundaries. So I never went back to him. I saw 3 other T's before sticking with my current T. He never ONCE even hinted that any of what happened was my fault. He didn't know my oldT but he knew OF him. They practice a mile down the same road from each other. My T listened to my story (over and over) and told me that my oldT was wrong. That he did not hold consistent boundaries, that he could not control his own feelings and that he cowardly ran from me because he didn't understand attachment and was afraid of our relationship. He also blamed my T for not handling the termination ethically and for abandoning me with no T and no follow-up. There were times I tried to defend OldT and my T would not hear of it. The abuser is wrong. The T has a responsibility to the patient.

So I was rather surprised and a bit taken aback by your new T's response to your story. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt because she had seemed to treat you well in the past. But I definitely feel you should confront her and find out if there is a future with her where you can feel safe and protected.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

Hugs
TN

quote:

Truthfully, if she can't hear me out then I'll really have to reconsider if she's right or not.

no, no, and no.

It's been awhile since you've seen her. People change. She has and you have. Just because you trusted her before - doesn't mean she automatically deserves it again.

I understand you want to give her a chance. I likely would in your circumstance - but please don't blindly trust due to your previous history with her at your own expense.

(((jones))) so pleased to meet you Thank you for reading and replying. I am deeply sorry that you experienced a lack of T's unbiased response. These outside issues only serve to frustrate an already painful and difficult process. As you said, things can get messy so easily.

I am very thankful to hear what you wrote (although it pains me you experienced it) because I like to see other's stories and learn from them. I hold out a hope that this new T might have an open perspective from here, but am beginning to brace myself for the possibility of that not happening. I agree that she may not even realize it, in which case her ability to acknowledge my concerns about her response will be crucial now.

I am reminded of an experience I had with my H last summer, he had a procedure done on his back. The first physician we saw *get this* treated the wrong disc in his spine. Totally missed the area to be operated on. The toll it took in on my H emotionally, physically, financially was unbelievable. Not to go too much off topic about how that turned out, but the point in my story is we saw a second physician to have him treated properly afterward. The 2nd Dr did amazing work, but when he heard our story, and saw right in front of him what had happened, he defended the first doctor.

I kid you not. Looked us right in the face and made an excuse straight from another planet. I'll always remember how him doing that was almost more painful than the entire experience altogether with the first doctor. And I learned how deeply loyalties can run, despite what common sense and basic human empathy should dictate.

I really appreciate your support and input about this, it is very valuable to me and gives me a large amount of food for thought




(((lucy))) thank you I will take that to heart about not validating myself, or blindly trusting again. You have some really good points there and it makes me feel good to hear how much you care




(((TN))) I have thought of you and your story so often through all this, and really felt for you. I've imagined how I would have reacted in your situation, and it's provided a great deal of strength for me to know that you kept persevering, even though it was horrendously difficult.

The saddest part in all this is when the clients blame themselves, which makes a new T even hinting at that direction so out of line. I really admire that you had the fortitude to keep working with various T's until the one who really took this seriously was found. I know that if it comes to the point of me having to resume a new search, I have your example to look to that it can be done.

I am so very thankful your current T does not defend your old one and add to your pain, that is very important, and you really deserve someone to help heal the damage old T did.

It's going to be admittedly difficult for me to separate my personal feelings about my newT from what may be in my best interest, but I suppose if it comes to that now, at least knowing I managed to do that with exT will be of some comfort.

Thank you for all the help you've given me




(((summer))) Thank you for the kind things you wrote and supporting my decision to leave. I am also incredibly sorry for the traumatic experience you faced I am at a loss for words as to how terrible it is what you went through!

I completely understand the feeling of wanting to make it work, wanting to believe the best. I couldn't bring myself to say anything but kind things to exT when I had termination session, because a deep need to preserve the last image in my mind of him as 'good' overcame me. Like you, I feel that really stems from childhood, needing to believe that those caring for you would not harm you. It is a powerful emotion, which makes the exploitation of it all the more disgusting.

To find out later that others had been abused too, I can't begin to imagine the impact that had on you, I'm so sorry Not to mention the extreme pain of being told 'we're no longer discussing him' geez that hurts.

I appreciate the statement too about being known for good work does not make someone incapable of harm. It stood out to me that my new T admitted herself that my exT had boundary issues she'd noticed while supervising. (I thought, hello? are you hearing yourself?) But then I get really stuck on the idea of 'well if other people had good experiences with him... I guess I was wrong...' but what you've told me helped me feel more confident in myself and my decision again.

I will keep your story close to me going forward, and remember how important it is to be genuinely validated. Thank you again for sharing, and best wishes to you in continuing to heal from this