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4 replies

What I WANT to say...

findingainsleyfindingainsleyMember
Oh therapist of mine! Today you pissed me off. You made me feel like I can't express my pain. You were probably right in saying that I can choose to be stuck in this emotion and I can either let myself be stuck, or I can try to keep moving. BUT, I am still angry at you. I am SO angry. I need to make changes in my life. I feel so alone and isolated in the world because of what happened in my past, but I need to take a risk and make changes in my life. I know. BUT, it's so hard. Why couldn't you just have been sympathetic to me today? Why couldn't you have just let me feel and cry? I pulled away from you immediately in that moment because it didn't feel safe and open to share. So, your therapeutic technique--well, yeah, that sucked! I don't know what you were trying to do with that one?

Oh, and thanks for saying something about having a lot of people in your life that care about you. Wow. Way to kick me while I am down. I have you. You have the world. So inconsistent. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I am so scared of this loneliness. You wouldn't even notice if I was gone...

(Thanks for letting me post here and preventing a major issue in my therapy by sending this angry email to T).
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findingainsleyfindingainsleyMember
Hi Smilingpenguin,

You made me immediately realize where I am going with this one. I think because I feel so alone and scared in the world, I feel like by telling her this I will only push her away...and I kind of need her right now. Frowner I know sharing and expressing are important. I just am hesitant. She's never been less than accepting, but I just feel overwhelmed in my need for her that there's this fear that I will do something to lose her.

The email would also be kind of an attack, because I feel myself kind of wanting to push away. I feel like she doesn't care, and will never care on "that level" I SO very much want. So, I might as well push away entirely. It seems like a no win situation. Maybe I am not seeing something and need another perspective??? I'm sure there's some resistance..or avoidance in my behavior. BUT, I have a right to feel how I feel, right? Wink

I am so glad there is someone else basically wanting to wage war on their T at the moment, too. Grr. I'm NOT alone! Smiler
findingainsleyfindingainsleyMember
Well, I kind of got mad at T. It reached that bubbling point where I was about to explode so I emailed. I said I was angry. I expressed all of my feelings. I was told by my parents that I couldn't be angry as a child. I had to get over everything immediately and then back pedal because I worried that mom would punish me further. I feel myself wanting to "apologize" for apology's sake, but I am still very very angry with T and our session yesterday. While I know that I can express myself to her, I just feel bad about the way I did it. It was definitely acting out behavior. I said she didn't care when I know she does. I said the relationship wasn't "real" when I know in fact that it is. This is a big rupture. I don't think we've had one of these for a long while. I think I might have been managing my anger better for a while, or fearful of not feeling close to her. I still worry but I realize I can't bottle the anger up inside of me anymore. When I am mad, I am mad. I have a right to be angry, right? But I am just a little scared that I have pushed her away from me completely.

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