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4 replies

What I wish I could say to my T right now

F fireflyMember
Therapist, I miss you. I'm used to seeing you every week, and switching suddenly to once a month--not for any planned reasons, but because of numerous mix-ups and vacations--has been hard. Really hard.

It is difficult to explain because I haven't quit functioning. Well, I have secluded myself to a great extent, but I still go to work, and I make plans about once a week, and I am still eating. I guess I'm okay. But my head hurts, and I'm having trouble sleeping, and I feel so vulnerable.

I miss you, and that feels foolish because I don't even know you. I feel frozen, which makes no sense because I am still going through the motions of my every day life.

I want somebody to save me. I want YOU to save me. I know that doesn't make sense in the context of therapy; you are only around to help me ultimately help myself. I just...I feel so safe with you. Even though you don't always know what you are doing. Don't lie! I am sure you don't always know what you are doing and that you are imperfect. I get scared sometimes that you are actually a really bad therapist, but how could someone so bad make me feel so good? Okay, clearly that's not a wise way for me to go about things...

I trust that you have my best interests at heart. That is big for me.

I wish I could see you again, too. I get energized from seeing you. I feel stronger. I face the challenges of every day life with more confidence.

Maybe I rely on you too much, but I feel like my mind and heart are opening up thanks to you. It is hard to open up after all of these years, and it is disconcerting, and maybe I just need more time. Maybe, in time, I will grow to a point that I can reach out to others with little anxiety and I will build support networks and set boundaries and know myself and everything will be good.

But I'm scared. I am just so scared.


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Hi everybody, I'm new to these forums. Sorry my post is so long, I hope someone will respond. I'm going through a rough patch right now, obviously, and I am admittedly a little bit embarrassed about it. I like to think I have my head on straight most of the time, but when I stop seeing my therapist, I realize that I just REALLY struggle at handling things on my own. I really don't even think she's that good of a therapist (I could give you ample reasons why), but I just trust that her heart is in the right place, and I think maybe that's what makes everything so wonderful and so painful at the same time. Maybe you can relate. I don't know any of the right terms for it all.... jeez, what is going on?!
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S sadlyMember
I could have written your post Firefly, so don't worry, seems quite normal to me!
I am sorry it is hurting so much and I hope you keep posting.
They hear us and MEET us and care about us and listen to us, and of course that touches our heart, especially if it is something we are not used to.
Hang on in there, and tell your T all about this.
I do feel for you.
Do keep her informed of what you feel she may not being doing right, that will help.
F fireflyMember
Thanks for responding so quickly, everybody. I've been seeing my therapist for a couple of years. I honestly couldn't tell you why except I honestly can't find the motivation to make the changes that would make me feel better--or I just don't know what will make me feel better. It's hard to say. Regardless, right now, I feel terrible. I don't want to go into too many specifics because I'm way too paranoid about my therapist reading this board, but I guess now I've learned that I've grown really dependent on her, which totally sucks. I don't know how to get close to someone without going overboard.
L lieseMember
HI Firefly,

"I guess now I've learned that I've grown really dependent on her, which totally sucks. I don't know how to get close to someone without going overboard."

Oh, gosh, Firefly, I could have written that myself. I've been seeing my T for 3 years, been denying the importance the relationship has had for me for most of it until recently, until I, too, realized how utterly dependent and attached I am. And, I still don't trust him. I need him but don't trust him. Explain that one to me.

Anyway, just complained to T in last session that I was way toooo attached. He said it's fine and he doesn't think I'm too dependent. He tells me I'm out there, doing things on my own. Basically, I'm out there. I'm interacting with people. He's fine with it. I'm not sure I am. It's like being in the middle of a relationship that you know has to end at some point but not being able to see the end yet. Really wierd. I guess all relationships do end, eventually but most of the time we push it out of our minds.

Nice to meet you!

Liese

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