I had a session today with my T that makes me wonder if anything will ever be enough for me. I'm wondering if this might be a good time to quit therapy or at least take a long break.

I know my T is a good therapist. Today we got back to a topic that keeps coming up and seems such a core problem for me. I think T doesn't care for me and wishes I would quit (or sometimes I think he is going to fire me). We've discussed my fear of rejection and inability to trust him many times before. He is always accepting of my feelings and willing to help me discuss them. He always acknowledges that with my childhood it is to be expected I wouldn't trust him and I would be afraid of him rejecting me.

Today he told me that he thought these feelings were coming back so strongly right now because of the many painful childhood memories I've been telling him about over the last few weeks. I told him I thought I would feel more trust when I reached the point where I could speak more freely (which I just reached this month after almost 3 years of therapy). He said he didn't think so because he thinks the more honest one is the more vulnerable one feels at least at the beginning.

He told me that he accepts and understands my feelings and he wouldn't argue with me about them but he accepts them as my feelings and not necessarily the facts. I asked him how I was supposed to tell if my feelings were facts and he said over time you explore the feelings, recognize that some feelings belong to the past and are haunting you in the present and some feelings are related to the present. I told him I believed him but I didn't think it mattered and he pointed out that feeling it didn't matter seemed to relate to some deep belief that my feelings don't matter because nobody in my family cared about them.

I cried for most of this session and at this point I couldn't speak because of the emotion. Eventually I choked out that I thought he was right and I didn't think he cared, or I thought if he did care he would get tired of caring, or he would get tired of faking that he cared.
He told me it must be very painful to not be able to trust and he accepted my pain. What he didn't do was tell me he cared, maybe I wouldn't believe him if he had told me but I would have liked him to say it.

I feel bad writing such a long post but I wanted you to know why I think he is a good T. I feel stupid for complaining when so many people have insensitive Ts. I think my T accepts my pain and I don't think it is enough. I'm not in love with him, I don't think we could be friends, I just want him to care about me appropriately and express it. When I read other people feeling such relief because their T understands and accepts their feelings and that is enough I think there must be something wrong with me. I'm thinking of quitting therapy or at least taking a break because it is so painful and it feels like my fault for not getting what he is offering.