What is going on? I have no idea. can someone tell me? So, I've been plugging along in therapy, in spite of having doubts about and serious trust issues with my T, as you all know. Something in me stubbornly clings to him and to his style- it's not *just* attachment that keeps me going back to my T- it's something else too- I've discerned that there is something in me that wants badly to learn how to just stand up to him, and learn how to talk reasonably as equals without my emotions so clouding and taking over that I cannot think straight anymore. I have limited success with it- but when I do- it's just really intense and interesting! I need to learn how to use what I know and what my resources are to stand up to difficult people- I suspect T knows this about me, sometimes. I sometimes suspect he is teaching me experientially- by what I experience directly with him- how to stand up for my boundaries or how to think for myself and become a person in relationship to others- by tusseling with him. I suppose this would never work if I was really sure that was what he was doing on purpose though. In any case- I learn, very slowly, lots of stops and starts and setbacks. But I do learn gradually, who I am- I think... and that is really crucial, when it happens.

My big challenge (forum stifles collective groan) is currently trying to figure out if I am supposed to be muscling my H into going to therapy sessions with me, or without me. I've come to terms with sharing my T with him, although I still struggle with the guilt feelings that come up, wondering if the only reason I'm not muscling my H into it *more,* is because I "selfishly" don't want to share the time. That being said- I sincerely want my H to just decide for himself what he wants to do, rather than stealing that decision away from him, as he wants me to do-

I want him to want to go to therapy as much as I do want to go- and if I cajole him, he will never learn to do it for himself. And clearly, that decision does not involve therapy with my T at the moment- except at my insistence or strong encouragement. So at this point I am leaving the door open, though every week it is a struggle, as I ask- "would you like to join us" and he will *not* give me a straight yes or no answer, unless I beg him, oh please, to come- or go- finds so many convoluted ways to dodge the question that it is almost funny- but continues to leave the burden of whether he decides to come or not on me, as "my fault." Most of this is unspoken, but very clear. (to me, not him) Last week I was sick of this silent struggle and begged off, and he went to session "for me, since I was too tired" (he thought- and I actually let him think on purpose) I just really thought he needed that time with my T. This week, I wasn't able to do that, it would have been...weird to do it again- so I went. I had a strange session with my T.

I found in the midst of this lack of trust for my T, and attempts to re-establish some kind of working relationship with him despite my doubts and strong emotions associated with him- against all odds, in fact- something has happened. I have found some kind of place where, emotionally I feel much more distanced from my T, it's a kind of given-up, or apathetic place that another part of me will *not* give into, but keeps going to see him- weirdly, against all odds- keeps trying. I have both given up, and *NOT* given up. I trust this part of myself more than I trust other, confused and much less sure parts. And in the midst of that complete apathy I find myself opening up to my T *anyway.* It's weird. I deeply distrust him, and yet I don't really care about that at all anymore, and kind of - just tell him all anyway, and let him do to me or think what he may to me. It's like in the middle of the deepest distrust, resides the deepest *trust* I have ever experienced. Or- I'm walled off, maybe, and he can't possibly hurt me more? It's the kind of trust that thinks that even when this person does damaging things to me or is hurtful or unknowingly selfish- still trusts that the person is doing everything they are doing to help you, in ways that you do not understand? Trust that the person is good? Trust that I'm wrong, maybe-? I opened up to him about the hurt that his pushing me away, saying my attachment is unhealthy and only being used as a way to get emotional needs that should be met by my H- and distrusting the attachment as unhealthy is. He said he was not aware that I knew that it could turn into something unhealthy- I told him I was aware of that it could turn into something unhealthy. That seemed to make my attachment ok, with him, somehow. I said, literally: "hello! What do you think? Of course it can be unhealthy! Why else would I be here??" I wish I understood what he means. So- this session I told him very simply that I want him to love me, and that may very well be my primary reason for coming to him, but that it's not the only reason- that I also need his help. T said that he found it touching that I would be so vulnerable with him. I said that I did not feel vulnerable to him- just sad. He said that's the same thing- I disagree. I think that vulnerable part is not accessible to him any more, and that's why I can talk *about* it. I can talk about anything to him now. It's weird. I'm not sure if it good or not. I'm going with it, in any case.

I remember crying very deeply at one point in the session, due to being a bad mom at many times- and T was pleased with this, I think, said that he has not seem me cry like that before, and that it would be healing to do that with him... But another part of me just feels very disconnected from all of this and kind of apathetic about it. I just continue on in therapy, against all odds, no matter what, no matter how dead I feel at times, I just keep going, and I really can't *not.* But I think something may happen. I feel myself somehow being more myself with my T. I yell at him or "spit" at him sometimes now, instead of being all sweet. Last session I remember I told him something really cynical and in a particularly nasty way- though I happen to know that he hates cynicism, and can't really take it- about him needing me to "make his job easier for him" and he said "now you are being all cynical. It's very unpleasant. But I can take it." I yelled at him: "Clearly you can't take it- or you wouldn't be telling me how unpleasant I am!!" He said something about- "if you want me to love you as you say, this is not a good way to go about it..it makes it very hard to love you when you are like this..I can't connect to you." I just spit at him more, and told him that he's not allowed to love me within the context of the therapy relationship. He responded with "I can't give you that love you are looking for- and not just because we are counselor and client, but because you need it from somewhere else."

I don't know- I can't really explain it- it feels like it is so intense and so real now- I just am with him now, and he is, and that's all there is to it. Yesterday I noticed that he went way overtime. I told him "you need to go now" and he said- I can continue for more time- that is no problem." I find that confusing. Will he charge me? I both strongly distrust and love him, and I am not longer holding that in. Another part of me is standing off to the side just observing all of this very critically and another is right in it, and another doesn't care a fig about any of it. And I feel like I am utilizing all three as I need to.

The other thing si that we talked about my specific kind of emotional pain- and how debilitating it can be- the pain of transference as it is called, in relationships- I confided to him about feeling I have to get no help from anyone because of how bad it can be- I told him what, was I supposed to quit my son's physio, for example, because it happened with my son's physiotherapist? t kind of seemed surprised at this revelation. That surprised me! I never expect to have any effect of him. He said something about me having been "alone in that boat too long now-" I wish I could remember the context. somehow that meant a lot to me, I'm not really sure why- guess I felt deeply understood. T has a way at times, sometimes- of making me feel like my struggle is important- he said a lot about how, when I feel the deep pain of wanting badly to be loved, in so many relationships of caring- it's important in a way that means something in terms of my particular faith. He asked me if I understood and felt that- and I said that I do- That meant a lot to me.

And at the end I remember him saying that "I hope you will remember some of what I have just said- and I admitted that it has already left my memory- he said- "that's ok- I think your heart was really listening-" I wish I knew what he had said.

So anyway- that's my latest...thanks for listening. I welcome honest feedback very sincerely-!! Needing absolutely to know what others think, without holds barred! ( and promise I will still do what I think best!)

BB