Hi

I'm struggling with a lot of thoughts about this idea that of defining what is mine, what is others, and what's in between.

It sorta comes from a life time of taking on everyone else's "stuff" as mine...

My T is very intentional about "owning" her own agenda. She recently said - just as she was asking me to try doing something with the horse, "well, I have an agenda, and I'm just gonna say that and own it, but I'm holding it back right now, because I want you to really just experiment with this." (It had to do with training the horse to do something - it was tough and really remarkable experience) At the end, I asked... so what is your agenda. "I hope you learn to trust the horse, and even more, yourself, and other safe people a little more over time. I wonder what that would look like for you."

Our "agendas" were the same.

BUt the simple fact that she owned it, helped so much. I didn't have to take it on as mine, and even if I do, it's still hers and she's aware of it.

This also comes up for me when facing triggery stuff in life and even here on the site. I have to work to own what's mine and what's not.

It comes up when someones says something mean. I want to get better at owning my hurt, without having to take in and internalize their words, and yet still be able to listen for what is valuable in what they say (if anything).

It also comes up when people rush in to fix and rescue me out of great concern for me... it ends up being about them somtimes. With my old T, it very much because about her need for me to meet her agenda to help me.

hmm...
maybe that's why it's so comforting when my new-ish T says this is my agenda. I get the sense that if I don't meeet up to it, it's ok - she's not gonna run over my boundaries for my own good. (unless me or someone else is about to get seriously hurt) She even actually says that!

This idea of owning what is mine, and not owning what isn't and sorting that out seems essential to my goal in therapy: I want to increase my capacity to withsatnd my own hellish pain, my ability to do life and relationships better, and increase my capacity to love and be loved.

I gotta figure this one out.

This is a bunch of just rather mixed up and half-started thoughts.

Anyone else have any thoughts on this? Anyone else ever struggle with this?

So confusing... where do I end and others begin...? It's like a little more than just boundaries in the terms of limits. It's maybe like internal boundaries, plus a little more. Maybe. I dunno.

?

(edited to take out one insigificant personal detail)