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6 replies

What is the difference between frustrated and angry?

jillannjillannMember
T has been very different with me since my return from the hospital. It has been a very painful month. I've only been allowed two appointments with her and she has focused them on the ED.

I tried last time to ask her what her thoughts were but she pushed me off. She interpreted my question as a distraction from taking responsibility for myself. This week I just outright asked her why she was being different and if she was disappointed in me because I've not gotten much better. Again she pointed out that I asked that just when she was beginning to drill me about my ED behaviors and postulated that it was a defense. But she did agree to answer me. She said it is frustrating to watch someone continuing to hurt themselves. And she was furious with the hospital for not working with me the way they were supposed to. The therapist there in particular.

She has taken away twice a week sessions. She wants me to have support from other places. She said she can't meet all my needs. I am seeing a dietition and attending a DBT group. She also wants me to bring husband in maybe every other week. That would mean only every other week sessions for me only. She believes this is best.

I can understand her points that I need support from more areas. And that she can not meet all my needs. I just feel so sad. The one person I chose to trust with my secrets is frustrated with me. She was asking how things were going with the dietician and I was telling her I was supposed to try to add an afternoon snack and try to eat a half an avacado this week. She snapped at me there is no try - that is what I am supposed to do.

I miss comforting sessions. I understand she believes my health is in jeopardy and is concerned. I wish I felt the same way. I count every calorie and weigh every thing I eat. I did eat the avocado and I've had a snack most days. Baby steps.

Anyone elses T ever get very stern with them? She said it is like a parent reining in a teenager. We have to do triage and the ED is top priority right now. Uggggggg I just want her to comfort me.

Jillann
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi Jill.... it is difficult to experience this from a T you trust and care about. The only time I can remember my T getting really tough with me was when C died and I was extremely despondent, depressed and withdrawn from life and from therapy. My T was concerned because I was not engaging with him. Even when oldT abandoned me I was somewhat engaged in therapy.

He became really stern with me and initially he scared me because of the change in him. He was always so consistent in how he was with me and this was an obvious change. I think I wrote about it on here. I feel he took a calculated risk in trying to get me to come back to him and to lift me out of despondency. Once I realized how important it was to him that I re-engage with him I understood how much he really cared about me and it made me feel really good, safe and cared about. That he put me and my well-being ahead of what would have been easier for him showed me how much thought he gave to this maneuver and how important it was.

We are not used to having firm boundaries that are drawn for our own goods and sometimes it can be hard to accept. This stance may be difficult for your T to take but she is putting you ahead of what would be easier for her. Your T is very concerned for you and wants to do her best to help you heal.

This is my own experience and my interpretation of what it meant to me and how I reacted. I'm sorry you lost some access to your T and I hope you regain it in time if you follow the plan and re-gain some healthy weight. I am concerned for you and I would be very sad if something happened to you from lack of food. I do not have ED issues (although I do experience disordered eating at times of stress) so I cannot speak to that. I am sorry the insurance cut you off from that helpful program you were in but I hope what you are doing now will help in the long run.

Hugs
TN
beccabeccaMember
Jill, first off I want to echo TN's concern for you. It would be terribly sad if something happened to you. Your family would be devastated.

Last fall my T got after my butt, big time bad. She didn't lay a line in the sand, she laid a crevice. I had said some pretty concerning words about continuing my existence. We had been down this path before a long time ago and I know at that time she believed she didn't tighten the boundries soon enough. She didn't make that mistake this time and to be honest, it made all the difference in the world. We applied some really good ideas on connection. For instance, my calling and leaving a voicemail twice a week checking in with her about how I was doing. There was no room for error. Monday and Wednesday check-in was required. Just little things like that made me feel cared for. I know she was really worried about me and she really did care.

I know it doesn't feel good right now Jill, but it sounds like your T is looking out for your best interest. You are actually pretty lucky she cares that much about you. Keep pushing forward.
jillannjillannMember
Thank you so much for your replies TN and Becca.

I can understand what she is doing with my rational mind. And when I think about all she has done I understand it is truly from concern for me. At the moment though I am feeling this as just so terribly sad. I take her frustration as anger at me for not getting better.

I am fascinated by a reality TV show that shows very obese people as they go through gastric bypass surgery. This past week there was a lady that was 600 lbs and did not loose any weight after the surgery. She refused to do what the Dr. was telling her to do. The surgery itself was not a miracle. She had to stop eating so much junk food and start moving to lose weight. She wouldn't do it. She cried and carried on and gave excuses but the truth of the matter was she was continuing to eat enough to support a 600 pound person.

I saw myself in that lady. I am asking my T for help and am not able to do what she is telling me to do (eat more food). I don't cry and carry on and I've never lied to T (even if she doesn't believe it). If anyone had told me a year ago that I would be at this place I would have laughed in their face. I was 240 pounds this time last year. When an ED gets control of your brain it is so difficult to fight it. Every moment of every day revolves around what I will and wont eat, what I weigh, and how to hide my body so no one will notice me.

I don't know how to get better and I'm losing the will to fight the ED voice. All week its been telling me to just not eat anything and get this over with faster. I know how bizzare that sounds because I was arguing with my preteen that she needed to eat more for breakfast befor heading out to school. I can tell my kids what they need to be eating to be healthy but I can't make myself do it for me.

I feel very stuck because the way to make T happy with me is to get better. But the idea of getting better makes the ED voice scream at me I'm a failure and alot of other really ugly words.

Jillann
catalystcatalystMember
(((Jill)))

I understand about Ts pushing or seeming unempathetic. My T will get like this on occasion, not about ED stuff but usually transference things or some thoughts about myself and how I state things.

Have your kids reacted in other ways to the dramatic weight loss? That's what I hate about this disease is you can't hide it even thought you want to be invisible. My Ts will mention stuff like my T did when I had to walk in front of her, or of they touch me sometimes, or about what they see or don't see. Work is a bit the same.

I'm not sure if my friends notice but I know it is so hard when I see or hear people want to skip meals around me. I feel like I'm infecting them. Everyone at work is on a diet, Etc. It's hard,
I can imagine with kids it is even harder Frowner
B bltMember
quote:
But the idea of getting better makes the ED voice scream at me I'm a failure and alot of other really ugly words.


I think what you said right here is going to be so key for your recovery. It sounds like you are trying to fight this voice, but it is hard when it is screaming in your ear. My personal opinion is that when we have harsh, mean voices like that in our heads, we can't get past them by fighting them. The best thing you can do is to look past the mean tone of the voice and try to understand that it is trying to help you but in a very misguided way. I think when people have an ED, it's often because this voice is trying to protect them from the pain and shame of feeling like a failure, ugly, dirty, etc. The problem is, no matter how little you eat, lack of eating can't take away the underlying pain. But if you understand that the mean voice in your head is trying to protect you (in a strange and backward way) then you can listen to it more compassionately, and it might not even seem so loud. I used to have a lot of self-attacking voices in my head, and the day when things really changed for me was the day when instead of hating them or arguing with them, I said back to this voice "Wow, it sounds like you're really worried about me being blah blah blah..." So the next time you're trying to eat your snack, and your ED voice starts screaming that you're a failure, you might try saying back to it, "Yes, I hear that you really want to protect me from feeling like a failure [and/or whatever else it says about you]." If you want you can follow it with "Eating this snack doesn't make me a failure. The feeling of being a failure comes from other things that happened to me, and not eating can't heal that pain."

Above all I encourage you to have compassion for yourself. I am sorry your T hasn't been more gentle, but I agree she is trying to help you as best she can Hug two
jillannjillannMember
Thank you for your replies Cat and BLT. I'm sorry I'm just now getting back to this thread.

Cat my kids have reacted differently and their reactions are evolving. DS is more aware and has begged me to eat on some occasions. My daughters have been more in support of the weight loss but they are noticing more that I don't eat what I serve them. It makes is hard to insist that they eat a healthy breakfast when they see me skip it every day. And I so agree with you on the talk about dieting! It seems like every day someone wants to know my secret or wants to share their latest dieting tip with me. The last few months though more people are beginning to ask if I'm ok or sick. I've lost a lot of weight in my face and even though I'm at a healthy BMI, the dramatic weight loss is making me look ill.

BLT you may be right about befriending the voice. My nutritionist was talking about viewing it as an abusive relationship. I really have no compassion for myself. I expect only perfection from myself and if I can't do that then I'm a failure and need to be punished. You are right that not eating will not heal that pain. T really believes the ED is more like an addiction and is working with me to keep trying to break my default behavior.

Thanks so much ladies,

Jillann

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