((Jen12))

I know this is really disconcerting. My best guess would be that you are experiencing somatic or body memories. My memories of CSA were repressed until I was in my 30s, and my clearest memories have always been in my body. The strongest ones are of being very rigid and very still with a feeling that it was very important NOT to be noticed. I have also experienced repetitive movements, needing to sit a certain way or putting my hands over my face. The weirdest feeling is that sometimes when I put my hands over my face, I have this strange feeling that my face feels too big (which makes sense since when these memories were formed I had a smaller face). These feelings of exposure and not being able to move, are probably memories of how it felt during the abuse.

I am so sorry that this ever happened to you and even sorrier that you have to still suffer the effects.

As far as your therapist, I would explain that these are traumatic body memories. So you are experiencing these bodily sensations AS IF the trauma were taking place now rather than something that happened in the past. The only way I know to work through these is to actually stay with them as much as you can to attempt to process and understand them as you would with any traumatic memory.

AG

Thank you AG.

I "remembered" CSA from the age of 9 when I was 19. Everything else (so far) seems to be remembered, at least in bits and pieces. I'm older now (41) but have never had trauma therapy for any of this.

I have to say I feel like my physical response feels a bit like an overreaction sometimes. Last night we were recounting PA, not SA, but I still felt like my lower body was vulnerable/exposed. I also feel like my face feels too big. And last night there was a lamp on near my face and I felt like I was in a spotlight during the memory/trauma work. I wanted to turn the light off -- can you do that in therapy?

And yes, yes, yes to needing to sit a certain way and repetitive movements. I tap my hand against my leg/knee a lot. Sometimes I start to hit myself in the head -- not too hard. It feels kind of foolish when I think about it all now but in the moment I definitely vacillate between fight (weaker), flight (medium), and freeze (strongest) responses.

AG, if I have such extreme body memories but can't cognitively recount abuse to that extreme, is it possible that I still have unrecovered stuff? I mean, I'm sure the answer is "yes, of course it's possible," but I guess I'm asking more about the likelihood that the body memories are "true" memories of what I can't remember.

Hi Jen12,

The movements you're describing sound very similar to things that I have done. I remember having an especially strong flashback one night when I started hitting myself in the head, for some reason I found that really disturbing. I also went through a very long period where I had to have my T on my right, it felt too dangerous to have her to my left (that was my first therapist).

As far as the light, I would definitely ask, it's not at all an unreasonable request and simple to do. Most Ts are open to doing things that help make you more comfortable. Your T will probably want to talk about your feelings around it of course.

As far as the disparity between the extremity of your body memories versus what you've remembered, that's a hard one to answer. It may be that you've got more unrecovered memories. But it may also be that when you recovered those memories, you did not fully allow in all the feelings associated with them. I recovered almost all my trauma memories with my first T, but with my second it was like I went back to those memories and really felt what it had been like. So you just may be going deeper emotionally.

FWIW, in my experience, you will remember what you need to in order to heal and you don't want to remember more than is absolutely necessary to heal. I also learned to trust myself about how long it took for the material to come up. It wasn't a conscious process but looking back, it was when I felt safe enough and strong enough to face each memory, that they came back.

Sorry there aren't more definitive answers, healing from this stuff is slow, chaotic and often very confusing. And it gets the most confusing for me right before a breakthrough.

I'm really sorry for what happened to you, I know it can be hellish to heal from, but I do want to encourage you that healing really is possible.

AG

Don't know if this is the same thing or not, but I have had the feeling that my body is thick. Not fat. Thick. Like my tongue is thick. My words are thick. Sound is thick, and all my feelings and the sound play back to me in a "thick" format that makes me want to go insane. It takes a while for it to leave. I don't know what brings it on. I have noticed it is when I am in deep thought, however it does not occur all that often, so it cannot be the depth of my thought. Often wondered about that and when I did mention it to someone once they had no idea what I was talking about - I was a teenager then. I really don't know if it has to do with anything I went through as a child or if maybe I really am partly insane. I will say this though, I had it more as a child/teenager and very seldom as an adult, and it happened a few times during/after my therapy, but I never told my T about it, because I didn't think it had anything to do with the therapy as such, and besides that it is hard to explain.

AG, thank you for your response. The deeper vs. more memories actually makes a lot of sense. It especially helps me to hear you say that (in your experience) I will remember what I need to when I need to. I trust my trauma T and have faith that God is in the process.

i think this is called somatic re-experiencing.
i experience this sometimes regarding being beaten by my dad when i was little.