-I saw my paternal grandmother in a car, but when she turned around, it was actually my oldest sister (half, not even related to her) who I have been caring for through a trauma--and who would be supportive and affectionate, but no one in my family has it together enough for me to be safe allowing that. I was so sad and disappointed it was not my grandmother, because she has been dead 15-years and she was basically the only adult who consistently gave a crap about me as a kid and pretty much gave me what limited "mothering" I did receive.
-Then, I was visiting my dad, because I was going to house-sit for him while away on a trip. He left a long note with instructions on caring for his animals, but including heartfelt statements about caring for me and me being his precious kid, and being sorry for abandoning me so young all throughout his instructions. NOT at all like my Dad, but stirred something up.
-Then, my maternal grandmother (also dead 15 years, but wasn't as close with her) was visiting me and my older sisters...the younger batch doesn't really remember her. She hugged us one by one. When it came my turn, I couldn't even look up at her. She wrapped her arms around me and I started crying into her about how I wished so much she and my other grandmother could be there to see our kids. She said something about always being with us or having paved the way. And her embrace was so real and something I have not had from ANYONE that wasn't a romantic partner and especially not a female. I let myself go into it and it made me feel this deep longing and loss (like I do when transference is really strong with T). I could feel the dream being pulled away and was becoming aware of sounds in the background, which was so upsetting. I woke up with actual tears streaming down my face, which rarely happens.
I have vivid (usually horrible) dreams all the time and occasionally dreams about my paternal grandmother, but I have never dreamed of THIS sort of thing. I feel like my experience with T is really effing me up and I'm going to throughout the rest of my week feeling so alone and empty until I can see him again. And alone and empty is not something I should feel if I'm asking God to be my Father...in marches my self-loathing. I QUIT! I want to call and tell him so, but I'm afraid I will change my mind and look ridiculous.
