Especially... ESPECIALLY my T... and strangers. Does anyone else go MAD with this!?
[start rant]
I walk around thinking that I am SO spectacularly special... that everyone is thinking all kinds of things when really, they are probably like me and thinking of how sad they are that they are on the last season of a netflix show they have been watching for 6 days straight, or how much they want icecream, or how itchy their nose is... or how annoyed they are that two weeks ago the guy I pre-tipped from the sandwich shop to order a sandwich delivered it late and how I'll never pre-tip again and DAMN HIM for my slightly-less-than-perfectly-chill sandwich that I'm still bitter over - what if there had been MAYO!? I could have DIED.
And even though I'm not in their thoughts at all, I still assume I am (they're in mine, after all) with stuff like:
T doesn't believe me (why do I care?)
I look ______ (fat, gross, nasty, zit-covered, muffin-toppy, mean, ugly, confused, cringe worthy, out of place) and everyone knows it.
The fact that I'm buying non-organic bananas AGAIN must make me look like some kind of depraved psycho among all the hippies in my stupid hippy grocery store and I feel self conscious like my soul is going to be judged by the fact that I really, really badly crave bananas but am so poor I can only buy the less-good-tasting ones and CAN'T YOU PEOPLE STOP STARING AT ME AS YOU LAY DOWN YOUR OGANIC ONIONS AND QUINOA - I'm at least in my yoga clothes - I BELONG HERE JUST AS MUCH but I'm so self conscious and feel guilty for the entire earth because of one tiny banana craving and surely... surely everyone knows that I am singularly causing global warming. (why do I care? No one... cares).
I'm having... a bad... eating disorder day. I've spent more time staring at my rear than at my computer screen today - which let me tell you is a *significant* amount of time.
Why... why do I care?
Especially about T. I can't stop you guys... I feel like she doesn't believe me, wants to get rid of me, hates me, sees that I'm everything I think I am.
Sometimes I find it so strange that... I can think I'm terrible, but it really bugs me when I think my T thinks I'm terrible. Logic would lead me to... I must not be terrible if I have hope maybe she won't think I am. Or am I hoping I'm just acting well enough.
Right... anyway, if I was saying this in real life it would be quick, frantic, end in the word 'F!' and then I would dramatically clunk my head on the desk, sigh, let out a huge URGHHHH, then take another deep, deep breath... and say "Anyways..." and then pout. And then go back to my netflix marathon.
[end rant]
One day... I will do stage monologues of all of my therapy. This isn't therapy though. It's life. Sorry if I take it down, I just needed to write it and get it out of my head for a little.
I'm so sorry you are here with me... I told my T last week, I am so thankful you mentioned what you did, that I want to be hurt somehow - physically left half for dead from anything just to feel that I have 'atoned' for my all the negative I feel 
Not to die, but just to suffer. I'm sorry you are having those 'wish something would happen to me' feelings - I know those, and they are painful, and I'm sure painful for you also. 
a constant running dialogue of every single inch of my body. I understand, too, what your T is saying about where does it end... I think it's a quest for perfectionism that we'll never win. The easiest place to take all of that sort of stuff out is on our bodies. I remember my RT said to me once, as I said I can't like myself where I was and just want to lose xx more lbs and she said "You know, I don't think I'd even LIKE you at xx more lbs" the normal response should have been "What... why would it matter how much I weigh if you like me or not!?" but... my ED was there too strongly and I just said "Well... I'd like me at least". Oops. I have a house with a full length mirror (two actually, it's my entire pantry door which is about a half-wall long)... it sucks. It's on the way to the kitchen, and on the way out. 
