I've been on the forum here and there for the past few months, but not nearly as active as I used to be. I feel guilty for that, as you all deserve so much more support than I have given. Seeing as things have slowed down for a couple weeks, I thought I might give an update on what's been happening. I also hope to be able to post a little bit more for at least a short while. I apologize in advance, because this will probably be quite long.
Honestly, I can't remember what I last shared on the OF. To sum up the crux of my therapy so far in 2011, I had images/memories/flashbacks and other different things that led to the realization that there is CSA in my background. The past 2 or 3 months have revolved around dealing with who I realized had done it. I really, really hesitate to admit it anywhere or anytime but the person responsible is my father. I haven't fully accepted it, especially because it happened a long time ago and I'm still in contact with him. But I'm trying to work through it.
A couple weeks ago, I found out that my father needed to have triple bypass heart surgery. This wasn't much of a surprise, since he's not the most healthy person. The thing that was hardest to deal with was the 'forbidden' wish that I had regarding his surgery. I don't even know if I want to admit it here since I'm so ashamed, but I'm sure some can interpret what it might have been. So that was one thing I was having to deal with in therapy. T was really supportive and accepting of everything I had to say and tried to get me to see that it's understandable.
About a week and a half ago, my dad had his surgery. The surgery itself went fine, but there were complications afterward. To do the triple bypass, they take veins from the leg and re-attach them to the heart to bypass the other arteries. When the veins are originally in the leg, they have little "off-shoots" (I believe they are capillaries), so before the surgeons attach the veins to the heart, they have to clamp off all of the spots where the vein originally had an off-shoot. About an hour after the surgery, they were monitoring him in the ICU (he was still under anesthesia just so they could monitor his heart function), and one of the clamps came undone and resulted in one of the arteries bursting. They immediately opened him up right there in the room, without sterilization, to at least stop the bleeding to they could get to surgery to repair the artery. He lost so much blood so quickly that the doctor literally had massage his heart with her hand for about 15 minutes before they got to surgery just to try and get some oxygen to his brain, because there was no blood pumping to his heart. In surgery, they had to give him 10 units of blood because he had lost just about every bit of his.
After surgery, the doctors said that they didn't know if he had gotten enough oxygen to his brain, and if he'd gotten any oxygen at all, they didn't know if he would have brain damage. But, he actually woke up about 12 hours later and ended up having no problems and no brain damage at all. He came so close to dying that the chaplain at the hospital gave him his last rites. The doctors working on him didn't think he was going to live, especially since he lost nearly all of the blood in his body, and all of the nurses say it's a miracle he didn't wake up with any lasting damage.
The thing I struggled with most through all of this was during the time when we weren't sure if he would wake up. I was convinced that it was my fault that this happened...because it's what I secretly wished (I feel so awful, so ashamed about that
). I felt like it was God asking me if that was what I truly wanted, because everyone kept saying that it was a miracle he lived. And the surgeon said that in more than 300 open heart surgeries, she's never had anything like that go wrong. I had a session a couple days after all of this happened, and I told T what I was thinking and feeling. Even though I logically knew that I couldn't have caused any of this, I still kind of felt like I did. T told me that it was just magical thinking and that there was no way I could have caused any of this, and I knew that was the case (rationally). But I just couldn't completely believe it, and I honestly still can't. The reason I felt so guilty was because I realized through all of this just how much my mother still cares for him (even though they are separated and live 1000 miles apart). My mother went down to take care of him during the surgery and I stayed up at school, so I actually only heard about all of this through conversations with my mom. But I could tell just how much his death would have devastated her, and I couldn't bear the thought of being the cause of that (this is also the same reason why I won't tell her other things as well).I cried so much during that session, because I realized all that I didn't have in him as a father - because I wouldn't have missed him at all if he was gone. I partly expected to have some feeling of love for him bubble up in me after such a close call, so it was actually devastating in itself that that sort of reaction didn't occur. And I felt incredibly guilty for that, too. T, again, tried to get me to see why that might be the case, especially since I still haven't accepted everything. I even tried to deny that anything happened at all, because I told T that it was the only act of care I could give in the absence of love and genuine worry. T told me that a father has to do a lot to lose their child's love, since all children want is for their parents to love them.
T realized one session that I really could never, ever imagine telling my mother what my father did, and I said no. She's spent 30 years trying to see the best in him, and mostly managing to do so, and I just don't feel like it's worth the risk to either of us, because I don't think she'd even believe me and may even hate me. So T told me that she'd be willing to do an exercise where she acts as a 'stand-in' mother and I can tell her like I'd tell my mother, and she'd respond in a validating, reassuring way. The prospect of that honestly makes me really nervous. On the one hand, I can see how it would be really healing (which is what T said), but it also seems kind of "dangerous." It seems like doing something like that could make her *too* important to me, you know? I know I'm also afraid of becoming too attached because I'm going to be leaving for grad school in less than a year. And this seems like it would just make it too hard. I just don't know if the benefits would outweigh the consequences.
There had been plans for about a month for my mother and me to go down to where my father lives for Thanksgiving. I talked with T for a while about whether or not to go down there and told her that I didn't feel I had much of a choice, but now I feel like I have even less of a choice because of everything that happened. I simply don't want to tell my mother anything about any of this. It just doesn't feel safe. What also makes it even more complicated is that I'm still partially financially dependent on my father. I get enough financial aid through school and work to support myself, but I have a really good health insurance plan if I remain on his. If I were to refuse to visit him, I know he'd cut me off completely. What makes it even more complicated is that my mother works for my dad, because she does the website for the resort he manages. So if I do anything to make him angry, he will take it out on her verbally/emotionally.
At the same time, I feel so weak for not being able to stand up for myself. I feel like I'm in an impossible bind where I can either hurt myself by remaining in this dysfunctional triad or I can harm my mother by going my own way. I'd honestly rather hurt myself. T told me that I obviously don't realize that I have the right to protect myself, that it was a right given to me just by being born. And now I feel guilty for not trying harder to protect myself. T seemed disappointed that I was going down there.
Anyway, I'm sorry this is so long. I hope I'm brave enough to keep this up, since I've been going through a phase of being afraid of having too much of 'me' out there on the OF. But, in short, as far as my relationship with my T goes, things are going well. It's taken me *forever* but telling her things has become a lot easier. I don't censor things quite as much now. But there's still new things T is learning about my past, because I simply haven't felt able to tell her. So it's still slow going. I'm blessed to have such a great, patient, and supportive T - although it's also incredibly scary at the same time!
Ugh. Already feeling icky with all of my stuff out there. Thanks for reading anyway, and many hugs to all of you.
Like I told AG, I literally did not even recognize my wishful thinking as anger. Anger is definitely so incredibly scary. But, like you, I know I should feel anger even though I don't. I'm also really glad I have my T…It's kind of another thing I've had to learn, though, is that I have people like my T (and of course you and everyone on the forum) who I can lean on for support. And when it's safe people, it brings such a warm feeling. So thank you. ((hugs))