((((CD))))

I used to get terrible pre-session anxiety. I guess I didn't realize that I also felt judged until you said it. I always worked hard on preparing my topics for the session which was incredibly time consuing. Of course, I was afraid that T would think I wasn't working hard enough. It's only been recently (after 5 years) that I haven't had nearly as much anxiety before a session as I used to and it's such a relief!

It is awful feeling like you are being judged like that. Had you ever broached the subject with your T? That could be a good topic to start with if you decide to make that appointment.

I often throw up before the appointment. I feel dread and as if I am going to be destroyed.

interesting question CD! i never actually thought too much about what it actually feels like, except i knew i didn't like it and felt like running. i think the feelings are quite intense that i try not to think about it and dissociate.
in between the dread and overwhelming anxiety, there is sometimes hope mixed in with fear of disappointment as well. i get the 'judgement day' feeling too.

puppet

Poppet your response is interesting to me. I can relate to it!

It varies depending on if I know I have something difficult to discuss or not.
Basically I look forward to going, but I get anxious beforehand, especially when I am sitting in the waiting room. I hate that!
But usually it disappears when I am inside with her.

hi Liese. it took you 5 years to start to feel less anxious? i'm doomed! just kidding.

i wish it wasn't so tortuous. and it's just so strange that you can know that's it's senseless and that it goes back to your childhood but it doesn't make any difference in changing those feelings. just the thought of going into therapy is enough to create a bunch of anxiety, but meanwhile liking T and a teeny part even liking being in his presence. there was a level of comfort that that i'm not sure i've ever experienced anywhere else. wierd stuff.

we've broached it but never totally delved into it. we know where it stems from. we always just thought it was the continual disapproval from dad. but there were some other things in my life where i was put on the stand in front of family which were very uncomfortable and shameful, to me. i was just thinking that the level of pre-session anxiety wasn't justified to originating from just dad, and then i thought it felt more like a bunch of people in the room, which is very familiar to those "other things in my life where i was put on the stand."

yeah, that would be a good subject to broach when i finally to go back

cat, i can relate to your experience. i had two things working against me pretty much from day one. dad didn't like kids, and mom preferred boys. so yeah, waiting for punishment (in my case that was constant feeling of being disapproved of for my sheer existence) without knowing why speaks volumes. to answer your question, it was always the same.

yeah puppet, the feeling are very intense. i want to hard not to feel that way in part because i think it gets in the way of T knowing what i am like in real life, know what i mean? i don't feel that way in real life, but i know that since i experience it in therapy that it has a hold on my outside of therapy. that's mostly what kept me going in spite of the anxiety, that i knew it would help me in real life.

i feel like i'm babbling. thanks everybody for your thoughts. as crazy-making as it is it is interesting to read others experiences.

First thing i thought of like you, is being sent to the principal office. That overwhelming feeling if dread & all the trickle down effect it will cause bec I won't be
I'n the same mood when I come out.
I also get extremely defensive like I'm getting ready for a fight & I always promise myself that I won't cry or show any soft emotions. When I come out it takes 2 days to feel normal again.