(((Kashley)))

I'm sorry you feel like you can't connect. Just a question to clarify. Do you feel like you want to connect, but can't seem to make it happen? Or do you feel like you are apathetic about even wanting to approach your T? In my case, I desperately want to connect with my T, but I always feel like there is no way I can initiate or engage with him. I know what you mean by feeling defective, even if the source is different. And stuck, paralyzed too...I'm sorry you're in that place.

I wonder about switching chairs. I think I could deal with T moving into any other chair in the room and be very happy, but I absolutely could NOT sit in his chair. I don't know why. The very thought of it just now completely creeped me out. I could be on the floor, on any spot of the couch, on the single chair...probably even the floor where his chair sits. But in his actual chair? Holy crap, no!!! Weird...

Thanks Yaku. I don't know...I'm not exactly sure what I want. Maybe a small part of me wants to connect (probably the only part that is keeping me going to therapy) and the other part doesn't care and/or doesn't think it will ever happen.

T offered to switch chairs and I asked her, where would you sit? She told me that these sessions are mine, even though I sometimes don't believe it. Haha. Yeah, it would be really weird for me to sit in T's chair, too. I could never do that. Maybe I should just force myself to try..? I don't know.

Sorry for the short response. I got slammed with a high fever earlier that has only just gone down a little bit with a lot of meds. My brain is definitely a little foggy right now! Anyway, thanks for responding Yaku. ((Yaku))

(((Kashley))) Sorry you're feeling sick. Hang in there. I don't think the separation anxiety that some of us experience in therapy is really a prerequisite for having a good connection with T, but I can understand that feeling disconnected and unable to connect must still be disconcerting. What you describe is sometimes kind of how I feel about God, unfortunately...like sometimes I can't even make myself WANT to connect with Him. It makes me feel just very sad and broken. Maybe whatever is "missing" for you is not something that T draws out of you? For example, I know that if I had a female T, I wouldn't be like I am. I just have never, ever gotten this way with females. I'm not advocating a T switch, just saying it's not something inherently wrong with you, just maybe not where you're at with this T or at this point in your therapy journey? (((more hugs)))

quote:

She also said something about not wanting to say too much about her narratives (she's said many times that we have similar stories), because she wants me to come up with my own (and my reactions to that are a whole other story). [QUOTE]

Kashley, for one thing, I would love to hear what your reactions to that are...there is just something here that I'm curious about ...do you mean that she is telling you that her personal story is similar to yours? As in she has had similar problems, past, and reactions? It oucld be just that she wants to normalize stuff for you, but I'm still, just kind of curious about that revelation. Still I do not know your situation or why why may feel it is therapeutic to tell you about her own issues.

[QUOTE And even if I asked her if she thought I'd ever feel close to her or anyone else, she might say yes, but I know she'd also include something like, but time will tell. And my mind gets hung up on that second part.

Well, Kashley...I think that you have said that you had a very narcissistic father, and I hope you will tell your T that, because it seems really, really crucial that she know that. That kind of stuff has a huge effect on us, it's not small thing. I know, I know, it is *so* hard to think straight and get stuff out, or believe it matters, etc...but I recommend that maybe you try, write it down and just say it, just make yourself to force the words out. Sometimes it really is that simple.

And yeah...why not force yourself to sit in her chiar...heck, what do you have to lose? Of not if you just, don't want to. That's ok too.

I wouldn't worry about being defective for not being able to her attach. I really wouldn't. That will just hinder your progress for one thing...and for another, I think you will attach, and if not...then..oh well! I for one would never be able to form the type of attachment to a woman. that is just me. I know it. I might appreciate the therapy, but I would not attach like that in the same emotional way, to a woman therapist. So it might just be a gender thing. Ok, to say "so what" like that- that is radical thing to say here that values the attachment, so much, but I'm gonna say it anyway, and hear me out. an example of why I say, so what, My sister went through a year and a half of therapy and never felt one single thing for her therapist, beyond a very general, yet extremely detached sort of "fondness," - she never made any progress in therapy. Eventually she went on medication and left therapy as " a bunch of bunk" for good...and this day continues her life (with an utter hatred for therapy, but- ) as a totally normal and very lovable person who doesn't attach easily or remains distanced in ways due to her deep early attachment injury or early wounds, due to my mom's psychotic episode at the time of her birth...but...she is *normal.* she is the kind of person that, if you met her you would like her, is totally normal, kind, caring, and she is a lovely mom and has a normal life that is interrupted periodically by episodes of a very extreme type of anxiety. But...she's normal. Not crazy. Nothing to worry about. She doesn't attach, she doesn't like hugs, she is distanced in ways...etc...so that is really sad. I had a therapist , a woman who was lovely, better in ways than my current therapist...but who I never did attach to *at all.* And now I have another therapist 12 years later that I am *extremely* attached to. All I am trying to say is that even in worst case scenario, (which I seriously doubt will happen, but just say...worst case- say, you never have firm attachments...you can still lead a normal happy and productive life. You are still a lovable and valuable person. Pain is pain...it's not right, something is not right- that is what makes it pain, in the first place. But being in pain doesn't mean there is something *wrong* with us. the contrary! idk. I guess I am just trying to offer that maybe your T needs to help you with some acceptance of where you are at in terms of the pain you are in, in order to make some progress? idk... just an idea. You could ask her..that pain is not the worst thing. Crazy sounding, I know...but...Tell me to shove off if that's annoying. I really hope your T is helping you. She seems really great, but it is so hard to tell on the internet, so it's hard to advice you...just...(((((Kashley))))) I hope above all, that you are able to soon at least some of the time accept, even if it be for a few moments only- and then next time a few more, and more mometns- that you are a valuable and individual and worthy person. That seems more important to me than anything else in the world. for you to know that you are loved.

hugs,

BB

Ps...when I say that I think the way your dad was has a huge effect, it is only because I see that as affecting your ability to trust in realtionships of caring...and not because I think you are like that yourself. Just in case you took that interpret...that is *not* what I think. I know ti would be really hard to think that, so I wanted to be really clear..

hugs,

BB

quote:

Originally posted by kashley:
Hi all,

Ok, this has really been bothering me for a long time. I have been with my T for over a year now, and I still feel 'whatever' about our relationship. There was a short period of time several months ago (closer to the start of my therapy with her) where I felt slightly connected to her. As in, a week between sessions was hard, I thought about therapy a lot, etc. .

Where do you thing those feelings went? They were there, you were consious of them and now they arent there?

Oh. my Kashley, I hope you are doing ok today, and that my response is understood- what I mean. It is so hard by email to make the intent and the words understood, and hard, to correct misunderstanding and communicate effectively- so please do not hesitate to ask or to comment if there is something here you don't agree with or that you find distressing...that would be very big gift of honesty to me, and also good practice for talking to your lovely T as well..

hugs,

BB

BB, no worries at all. I'll be back to respond later, just feeling very under the weather right now.

Hugs to all of you. Thanks for responding.

aw, I hope you are feeling better soon.

hugs,

BB

Thanks again to all of you for responding. I have no idea what I was sick with, but it completely wiped me out, but I'm feeling much better now!

Well, I guess I'll first go to the whole female vs. male T thing. I have known for a long time that if I had a male T, a lot more things would come up. Granted, I didn't have this realization until I was already in therapy with my current T. But I know for sure that it would be completely different because I got to thinking back to this teacher (male) I had in high school who was really kind and seemed to notice me for me. I've remembered a couple other instances like that, too. If I had a male T who I worked well with, boy that would be enormously painful but I know it would also be very helpful in the same sense.

For some reason, though, it feels like I 'shouldn't' have this knowledge about what I need in a T. As in, if I were to bring this up to my T, it feels like I shouldn't have this kind of insight. What is that about? I guess it goes back to being scared about having an opinion. And I'm convinced I must be wrong...all the same stuff.

Even though I've known for a long time that I wouldn't be able to get down to the core stuff with a female T, I'm still kind of scared of seeing a male T. But there has to be something else, because I feel like I've barely made any progress even though my T is enormously competent and tuned in. Maybe something else is at play here? Maybe I'm trying to run away right when I shouldn't. I don't know. I'm so tired of feeling nothing for anyone (even though I must be good at faking it). I feel like I'm not human and I'm tired of it.

The whole changing seats thing...it's so odd that I'm scared that my T will somehow see me completely differently if I change my seat. I don't know what that's about either. Actually, I think I may have just figured it out. A big theme that my T and I have talked about for a long time is being invisible, how I try to be invisible, etc. I think I'm scared of moving, because it will make me visible...that somehow I've convinced myself that I'm invisible where I am now? I have no idea how I convinced myself of that. Gosh, these patterns are relentless. Of course, the only other seat I'd consider sitting in is to slide over on the couch a little. I really don't want to sit in a rocking chair...

I have a session tomorrow, and I'm probably going to be really nervous (more than I normally am at least!)..I'll at least talk more about the chair thing with T and see where things go from there. Thanks to all of you for your input. I'm sorry for not addressing each of you individually..

Hey Kashley...I understand how it feels to think you should be invisible...and also to think that you "shouldn't" hav any insight, especially on things psychological with a psychologist. I have the smae issue. It comes out everywhere. I "shouldn't have any insight on things spiritual with my SD...either, even though- I DO. I am somehow silenced. There is a gag order on me, and I have no idea where it came from...it dounds like you deal with the same issue.

I'm wondering how your session went? Did you talk? Overcome your desire to remain invisible at all? sit elsewhere?

I hope it went well...you are over due for a breakthrough, it is so hard to go long without one. Thinking of you today...

BB