Hi Cera,
I'm sorry that things are so difficult and scary for you right now, I know how overwhelming all those feelings can get and how terrifying it can be to feel that way. I know that support here isn't the same as in person in "real" time but please know that you're not alone and we care about what happens to you.

The kind of feelings you're describing very much sound like you may be experiencing flashbacks of trauma. I don't know your background but what you describes sounds a lot like how I felt when I first started dealing with a lot of my abuse.

Are you in therapy? Is there a local crisis line you could call if no one else is available to talk to? I know how terribly alone you can feel and how horrible that can be, but please know that you're not alone and even the peopple you can't see right now, your friends and family, care about you and are still connected to you even if they're not present and your feelings are telling you different.

AG

Hello AG

Thank you for your reply.
I had some sleep and feeling little better. I also talked to my sisters and they told me to just stay in bed and get some sleep as much as possible.

I am not in therapy at the moment but hopefully will be able to see my P regularly soon. Which reminds me that I have to call her ASAP.

I am going through big changes in my life right now. I guess I am just being very uncomfortable with new situations...

I am little surprised with eating disorder I have right now...I don't know if its just some kind of phase I am going through... I used to eat a lot under stress but I feel like I shut my throat.

My current GP isn't someone that I can rely on. I know what she'll say... so I just have to wait till the end of this month. Which will be soon.

I think I am keep making my ways...new ways...
and whenever I have difficult times, I look forward to adjusting with new situations
However at the same time, I feel like I am running away from fears and problems which I have to really face them, deal with them...

I've realized that I am keep trying to distract myself from any pains or problems by doing something new but the problems are always there... I do have to deal with those problems...

so... I do have to see P pretty soon, I do have to get into group therapy where I can learn skills...

Thanks for listening AG!

I feel better now.

Hi cera,
my brother went through a similar kind of eating disorder (if that's even what you call it) when he broke up with his partner. He was too upset to eat, the idea of eating made him queasy. Then occasionally he would get hungry but by the time he got himself some food he didn't want it. Nothing tasted right. You need to be really careful or you can get quite ill. Can you at least take vitamins or drink a vitamin supplement drink? Just to make sure your body isn't going to shut down? You need to feed your body to keep your brain working properly too.

Would you like to share with us what changes are going on in your life? And what problems you feel like you're running away from? Only if you want to, but maybe it will make you feel a little better acknowledging what's going on?

I hope you are feeling better and that you can tolerate a bit of food at least. Thinking of you,
LTF

This is what happened to me last night

I was rigt by the window. sitting down and writing. I can smell marijuana from outside
I am allergic to smoke. I raley drink. in fact I only drink when I am happy. I never drink when I am sad becuase I black out with half beer. I never abused myself with anything
there were a few incedents but I was OK.

I thought about abusing myself with alcohol but it makes me too full. So I thought about start smoking. (It cost money and it will make me throw up) mind as well, I should just go way further. starting with Marijuana.

So with the windows opened... I could smell marijuana... I didn't close the window. I tood a deep breathe and actually enjoying it.

I am scared that I might get into drugs...
what should I do...

one thing that I abuse myself that I've been doing is with my hair. which I stopped a few months ago. I don't see any effectivness...

I know drugs are bad. but I feel like that will be only way for me to survive...

I am scared to tell anyone near by me becuase what if they are going to take my kids away from me???

where should I begin?

cera,

It sounds like you are in pain and suffering from a good amount of anxiety and stress - trying to handle all of this alone is not a good idea. Calling your P would be a really, really good idea I think. I've been through lows like this and have been so tempted to drink or anything to feel different because feeling better seemed impossible and feeling anything different would have been better. I found though that trying to do it all by myself never worked because I would get too caught up in my own head with thoughts of guilt and fear and despair. An objective, calm voice can really talk you down from the edge - so to speak. Call your P and keep posting here - I hope it helps.