Hi Becca,
Welcome to the forums! I'm glad that you decided to post. I don't have a lot of time as I am on my way out the door but I did want to tell you that yes, I have felt that way and with the help of a really wonderful T, have been able to work through it. But it was terrifying and very difficult most of the way because I had to fight against how scary it was to move closer. But there is another side. There are two posts on my blog I think you might find helpful:

Disorganized Attachmebnt or why you think you're crazy but you aren't?

Bass Ackwards

You've come to the right place, a lot of people who post here have been through this and will understand how you feel. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

AG

Hi Becca, Just wanted to say Welcome first off. Personally I don't experience what you experience, but I know you are not alone. We all have our "issues" and this is a good place to explore and discuss them because there will certainly be someone who does identify with you, so trust me you are not alone. You will find this is a good place to stop by for support and understanding.

Hi Becca, welcome to the forums! I hope you stay around and let us know more about yourself, it's a warm and friendly place to be around don't worry.

And yes, I have felt that way. In general I keep people away, not even my closest family know the real me so I do freak out thinking there's someone out there (my T) that is starting to know me in deeper ways and it scares me a lot. I'm very private and I hate to talk about myself or disclose information about myself - I think because I'm deeply ashamed of who I am. I don't want people to see *me*. Honestly the only reason why I keep going is because I actually like the guy and I trust that he's never gonna tell me how horrible I am:P

I'm also aware that I've been living half a life because of the distance I put between me and everyone else. Life doesn't seem much worth it sometimes does it? I've never had a close relationship with a male for example. I also know there is something really good about being close and intimate with someone, I long for that, at the same time I avoid it. I don't know if you feel the same way?

Don't end therapy like that, give it (and yourself) a chance because you are a beautiful person who deserve it.

Becca, i don't have anything to add to what the others have said, but i just wanted to reach out and let you know that you're not alone in those feelings. please don't give up and run. keep us posted in your journey.

Yep I know what you are talking about. Spent all my life like that. Went back to my T for the 4th time over 16 yrs and now it is different as I know a lot more about myself, what my issues are, why I have issues and what needs to be done to help fix me. I made a commitment to my T that I will stick around for the long term for good or bad and we are in it together. Sometimes we are in tune with each other , other times not. Sometimes i feel that she really gets me and other times not, but I am heading in a positive direction with her. I hate the attachment and the dependency but I have to have it to survive. IT hurts a lot of the time, but I have someone walking beside me every step of the way and I am not alone.

Hi Becca,
I am sorry that you are in a lot of pain now the fear that is generated when you feel that you are getting close to your T/your T is getting close to you. I have similar issues that have recently been kicked up. I am wondering if it would be worth exploring an alternative approach to tx. For example, I am currently working with a substitute T (my current T is out)... I am in a place where I am feeling particularly vulnerable and find face to face interactions very threatening. I have found though that the T that I am working with now has been very amenable to corresponding via e-mail. This has been incredibly helpful for me as I am able to have the physical distance and feel more safe in communicating. Because my subT and I communicate very well using this medium, I have found myself really opening up in a way that I don't usually in face to face T. It's helped me a lot with managing the feeling of someone getting too close to me. I have though periodically scheduled a session with subT to touch bases and clarify issues that were discussed in our e-mails. I will say by far, this alternative approach, having communication with physical distance and easing closer has been really helpful for me. Its created both safety and intimacy at a pace that I could tolerate. I don't know if such an option would be availabe or would be of interest to you... just a thought. I hope your session goes well today... keep us posted.

Hi Becca and welcome

I have felt like this all my life. Whenever I start to feel close to someone, I pull away, including with T. I know it's a learned defense mechanism and have also become aware that it's an inherent feeling of shame and unworthiness I have. Something in me keeps me away because somewhere, part of me believes I am not worthy and anybody who gets to know me will reject me. If I pull away first, I can avoid that rejection. It sucks because I want so badly to have deep relationships in my life. being aware of all this has taken 19 months of therapy....I don't know how long it will take to change....I haven't yet but am trying and taking baby steps.

Becca, hi.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

I agree, she probably feels your barriers. You say you have not talked to your T about this, but I really really really encourage you to take exactly what you wrote here and read it to her. Just put it out there.

I really identify with you. I have a similar "barrier," and it goes up and goes down. It is confusing to those around me, and even to myself. I do a push-pull thing with my husband, and I know I do it. And we were very good friends for awhile before we decided to date and get intimate (which is when my anger/rage set in). We still got married; I'm not sure why he married me (after seeing the anger/rage side of me). I have treated him pretty poorly over the last 13 years. Anyway.... In January my T said I push her away, and she assumes I push everyone away.

T and I just talked Monday about the "uncomfortable" (T's word) feeling (the one I can't name) I get when I have to face my feelings for her, face my past, all in front of her, or alone at home. I freeze up and can barely talk about it. But I have, on a few occasions in the last 22 months of therapy (my first time in therapy). T asked me on Monday if I knew where this came from (she asks me this every time I say I have feelings for her and they are overwhelming, or I think she won't be there when I leave her office, or I think she will reject me when I am in her office), and, of course, I do. It is from my childhood and my mother and it is transference. Right now T is re-parenting me. It feels weird, at 38, to have a woman (maybe in her 40's) "re-parent" me. I feel like a very young child in her presence. I hate that.

I think it will take me time....to deal with childhood reality and feelings that I have stuffed. And, to learn to trust people again. And, a bunch of other things. I've never missed a therapy session. I've always showed up (or do a phone session if I am sick). I went once a week for over a year, and now I've been doing twice a week for 10 months.

I hate that this push-pull thing comes in waves. Sometimes I want T to be close to me, other times I want her to go away!! It is really getting better with my husband, though. So, I think therapy must be helping.

Facing all of this takes courage. I think you will, when you're ready.

Becca,

Hi. Glad you posted. I just wanted to let you know that the feelings you are expressing here are very common among those of us that have been through some painful experiences in our past. I can empathize with what you mentioned about a barrier in your bones. Oh, boy can I. I, myself, do a dance of get close enough where it feels good but then it starts to burn a little. It's too much and I want to run like the wind far far away. So, in those moments I tend to pull away and put up my defenses. I do a lot of therapy interrupting behaviors when things get too intense. The first step towards healing is awareness, so I do believe you are on the right step. Work through these feelings, write out your thoughts. There's a wealth of knowledge on the boards and feel free to seek out support. I've been here for a while and when I have been so low, these are the people who have helped me figure through things..shed some light on my own inner workings when I couldn't figure it out myself.

Oh, and please don't quit. It's not the answer.

HUGS!

Hey Becca here. Thanks to everyone who read and replied to my rant from yesterday. Well therapy didn't go so well today. I'm done. I really can't afford to go anyway. Some of the stuff going on in my life, which I did not elaborate on yesterday, involves my job and my 14 year relationship with a man who wants to marry me, but I refuse. I have been cut to part-time in my job. I am running out of money. I don't live with my boyfriend. Things are not going well at all and I told T tonight, that this was my last visit. I am feeling pretty hopeless at this point. Some of my thoughts are pretty scary. She wants me to stay at a reduced fee, but I think that isn't fair to her. We are both afraid I might do something not so smart.

Thanks again to the members who replied. I have one request and I don't want this to sound mean because that isn't what is intended, please don't send hugs. It hurts too much.