I figured I would type an update on my session with T from last week.
Well, I went in with 2 1/2 pages of things I wanted to talk about or some rambling feelings. I had gone to the gym for an awesome workout a few hours before session, so I was in a great mood compared to when I wrote my session journal. I told T that and then told her that I really needed to get to some of the stuff on paper instead of avoiding it. We talked about trust. I tried to explain some trust issues I have, but she challenged me with so many questions that I just kept saying that I would have to explore it more or that I would have to think more about her questions. I wonder if she noticed something in my non verbals because then she reminded me that I had come from a great workout and was feeling good and maybe I was searching for things and digging to find something that might not be there. Hmmmm...
Then, I kind of felt shut down. I wondered for a few seconds why T was saying these things when she knows I struggle to talk in session. I thought maybe avoiding things that day or just not talking about them was better. I decided to push through my list/therapy journal anyway.
I finally brought up my previous therapeutic relationship and how I felt I was still grieving that. I told her just a tad bit about my relationship w/former T. T asked a question and it was one I was asking myself for a long time too about if former T expected me to pay for a two way street type of relationship. I've been replaying my sessions with former T and this past session with current T in my head for the last week. I'm driving myself nuts!
I watched T's face as I talked about former T. I wanted to see if there was any reaction. She did breathe deeply (sometimes she does that to get me to breathe deeply though) and nod her head in a "yes" motion. I almost read a mixture of disappointment and almost her angry face while I was talking. I told current T that I thought our relationship was good and that I think she has told me just enough information about herself to build a relationship, but hasn't told me too much. She said she tends to talk more in session with me than with any of her other clients.
Anyway, somehow T brought up my mother and then we got onto that and my abusive ex husband. She reminded me of one of my goals (assertiveness) and she talked about choices. She kept reminded me that I have choices and that I should keep that in mind when I deal with people or really with anything I do. No one controls me she said. This makes sense in some way in my head, but I don't know if I truly understand it. I'm not sure why. That's basically where we ended session. I have another session in about a week. Then, T has to leave for her medical leave. yikes!
The next day after session I had a blow out with one of my very bossy family members. I felt bossed around and decided to stand my ground, but went overboard and let myself bubble up with anger and let it out. Ummm...that wasn't the best assertive way. I could have said it in a calm tone at a different time about how I felt. My family member said that what came out of my mouth was bitchy and that she wasn't going to tolerate that and was leaving. I tried to fix it and apologize, but it didn't work. I tried again the next day, but that didn't work either. Apparently, we are not on speaking terms now.
I have a feeling I'm going to need to talk about this in therapy next session. There were other things I was going to talk about, but I think this incident tops the list right now.
I better get some sleep now. Thank you all for reading. I welcome comments, feedback, thoughts/feelings, and/or similar stories. Have I told you all how much I love this community of understanding and supportive people?
Thank you!
