Tonight's session was weird. We started out talking about me playing the drums for church on Sunday, because there is a song I'm not good enough to play and it's stressing me out (and T plays (guitar) in his church's band too, so he was trying to let me know that as long as I kept the beat, it's enough). Then, I brought up all the triggery family stuff that's going on, just so he would know where I've been at the last day or two.

Then, T wanted to move on to some practical/conceptual stuff as part of his trying to slow me down. I said OK, even though I worried that it would mean I wouldn't feel connected (I didn't say this out loud). He asked if I had found the book he recommended and I admitted that I think I had a copy in storage and hadn't looked for it yet. So, he went to his shelf (on my side of the room, so he was still a few feet away, but not divided by the table). He pulled a couple of books off his shelf and was offering them to me, explaining something about their contents (I really don't remember).

I completely blanked--no sketching as usual, but just raw overload. I became so overwhelmed. T went back to sit down and asked what was up, but I just couldn't describe it. He asked what triggered it, if it was the topic or if it was him being on my side of the room, but I just kept saying, "I'm sorry. I don't know!" He tried a bit more to coax me to communicate about what I was feeling, but I was so lost.

Then, T asked if it was OK to move on to the assignment on "The Word" that he had given. He asked me one general question about the exercise, something about if there was anything in there that told me how Jesus could be there in my current feelings or deal with them...I don't really remember that either (usually, I will remember exact wordings of things he says). I just couldn't answer. And he said something like, "OK, no, well I can say something about it." Again, I don't remember clearly.

T started trying to talk, but was clearly lost, with a lot of "Um," which isn't like him. Then he apologized and said that it was too difficult to move on when I was so clearly distraught. I felt him caring for me here, but it only made the feelings worse! It wasn't that he was trying to push to move on, but I think because I was obviously unable/unwilling to talk about what I was feeling, he thought we had to. I think I had my face buried in my hands for several minutes at this point.

I don't think I actually looked at him after he picked the books off the shelf until almost the end of the session. So, he asked if we could pray (trying to ground me, I guess) and I said OK, so he prayed over us again (we always start and finish the sessions that way). I was still stuck, so he said, "I think I want to do something I very rarely do with clients, if that is OK." and I felt guilty that he was having to change things for me. He asked if we could try some visualization and I said, "I guess." He asked if I meant no and I explained that I wasn't sure I would be successful at it, but I would try.

T tried to get me to think of a place I could be safe with God in. The places that came up weren't working. At first it was my bedroom, but my intimacy stuff lately has made that less safe. And, then, randomly a closet, which doesn't feel safe, just enclosed and dark, which is more about keeping others out than being with God. Then, being in cars, which is very connected to H too. T offered and did swerve his chair around, so it was more like we were side to side (though he was still six feet away, but it was a nice gesture).

Then, he asked if there maybe wasn't anywhere I felt safe as a child. I did tell him about hanging out in my English teacher/mentor's room before school and this brought me a little bit back to focus and we discussed some high school stuff for 10-15 minutes, which I was a little more engaged in. T actually attended the same high school as me (obviously years earlier), so he was able to visualize where I was talking about, which was cool.

At this point, I got a couple of missed calls on my phone and T thought maybe it was H worried about where I was and I realized we were 10 minutes over the hour. I had an anxiety attack that I was going to have to leave and apologized for the lateness and he said he didn't want me worrying about it and I should know that it was his responsibility (and choice) to manage the time however he saw fit.

I was feeling completely stuck and scared to leave and hopeful he would give me more time, but he just said, "OK, well shall we pray?" So, he was ending the session there and I was so hurt that he was basically stranding me there feeling so unsafe and abandoned and alone, but I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even look at him or toward him or near him. I just picked up my stuff, threw out my paper cup from my tea and opened the door. And he said, "Bye" instead of "God bless," like usual, so I just said "Bye" too and walked out. I almost started crying on the way out, but I was afraid of being heard and it was making me nauseous.

When I got to my car I texted him an apology for the rude goodbye. Then, I was still so upset that I couldn't drive, so I texted him to process what had happened. I said I thought it wasn't him approaching, but the giving/receiving of the book that set me off. And the only way I could describe the feeling was that it made me small, alone, cold...and threatened by loss of control (I had several SI urges in there, which usually don't happen when anyone else is around), like I was going to cry, but I was too ungrounded to let myself go and that his office was the opposite of grounding for me and now I was in suspension. I told him he could ignore the text if he wanted, so I'm not expecting a reply.

I think I might text him tomorrow and let him know how hurtful it was to be left hanging like that. I don't know if he was at a loss or thought that my guilt for him running too far over would make things worse...and I know it's not true, but I felt like he could care less that I was still suffering so much. I do have issues around receiving, because of family manipulation stuff, but this didn't feel like that. I don't know WHAT it was, like being invisible or something. It was the most (as I said) "small" and lonely T has ever made me feel. What the hell is happening to me? And how do I make it stop, because I cannot get stuck in this feeling and make it through this week with all the BS that has been going on lately? I don't want this anymore.