you did a good thing! Just think, what would you tell a little child, like your daughter, if she had texted the same... ? My T says this to me sometimes, whenever I get harsh about smillar things I have done. Rushing in too fast? no. You were just being you. Like the little kids I babysit, they come running and hugging me and saying I'm the best babysitter ever. It's just kids being kids. Your T knows you have younger parts so he hopefully understands this. Even as an adult, I really don't think it is too "intense" or "interuppting" of your T's weekend to text him that. I bet he will smile when he gets the text. AND, if those feelings go away, that's ok too. In my opinion (take it for what it is worth - not too much) but I do think it's good that you let yourself express this to him. ~jd

(((Jane))) Well, if my daughter had texted that, I would have told her, "Wow, I need to get you into school. You're a genius!" But, I get what you mean. It's just hard when these child-like feelings are up on the surface, really scary, because I feel like T can't always see her and I never know if he's going to respond to me like I'm an adult or a kid or a mix and how I'll feel about it. Anyway, even though I told him that there was no response necessary and I just wanted to get it out before other parts started chiming in and ruining my trust, he sent a reply...

T: "It's ok. She can come out. It's safe. Nothing bad is going to happen because she admits she has needs...We are protected..."


Which is sweet, but I just have trouble taking it at face value. And I feel like, even if he won't react badly to her having needs, it doesn't mean he'll react well either. And I am wanting to connect, for something good to happen. And to say we are protected feels like sneakily trying to bring God in...so I don't know how little one (ugh, feels 4-5, has a nickname now that I am trying to accept, but am ridiculously embarrassed about) feels about that. On the one hand, the "we" is her and T together, being protected by God...that means T is with her, by her side, so-to-speak. But then, she also feels like, if God weren't protecting us, then T would have absolutely no interest or ability to deal with her at all. I guess this is all stuff I should be saying "I" about, but the intellectual part of me still finds this all a bit ridiculous, and the protective parts are really disgusted by it, so it's easier to divide my different reactions based on the different states that experience them. It makes it easier to "see" everything that's going on inside me and try to get some cooperation going on. Anyway, I think I have done my big, courageous thing for the day, so I don't feel like I can get her out of the closet just yet, though I think if T went over to the closet and asked her to get out, she would listen and just want to climb in his arms and be held. I cannot stand feeling so intensely like this...

So, I told T: "Sorry, still feeling...completely ridiculous to say these things (losing my mind here, feel no one can understand or believe, hence the hiding). The closet feels good & dark & safe (from other mes, not you or God) right now," and also apologized for intruding on his weekend.

I feel like this will come up in our session and I won't be able to ask for what I need to talk about it, which is him closer, to move the table, or to sit on my side of the room, even at the same distance, or to let me sit on the floor where I can curl up into my knees, even if he stays just where he is. I'm almost more confused by his kindness than I would be his apathy or rejection. It's like it is impossible for me to believe in it, that it is really ok and safe to come out...

He is very okay with this part of you Yaku - just bring it on, he will be fine with it.

YOU are not fine with it, that is obvious. Join the gang, I am often mortified by the littler parts of me. I recently ended a session by blurting out that I think sweetP may be a grown up. He said he took that as a compliment and then I said, "I only said maybe. I am not sure yet." and walked out. That was very little me talking. Quite trustingly. Actually quite sweet really but I got home and felt mortified and embarrassed and all those things.

So the good news, little you and her needs are fine by him, bring them on. And allow big you to find her cute and acceptable too.

Keep going, you are doing brilliantly.

(((Sadly))) I feel like if I let myself be fine with it, she is going to start asking for a lot of stuff T can never do and it will hurt so bad, it will feel like I am drowning or suffocating to death. It seems so extreme, but that's what I feel will happen if I hear, "I'm ok with all your needs toward me, but I'm not going to meet a single one. Shall we talk about how that feels?" Ugh. I don't think he'd do that, but it is scary, because parts of me know he is just some guy who, although he cares and seems to like me, is just trying to get me healthy and smoothly and quickly as possible, and then say goodbye to me. It's not as if HE is attached to ME. It's very dangerous to me, this one-sided attachment.

(((Monte))) I'm trying...so hard...to believe, to trust him. I just want to be in a room with him and have him sit next to me and tell me it's OK to be comforted by his presence. I want to see his smile, to take it in, to feel his kindness inside myself. He acted so pleased and proud about the story I am working on...that made me feel good. It made me want to color him a picture from the important part of the story. I feel a bit silly.

Please draw him a picture. You might know from my blog that I often let the younger part of me draw = it is so nice to do.

I am just beginning to get a sense of what these good T's are like

• They know we have child needs in our adult selves and try to allow the child
  a) to be heard
  b) to not feel unheard
  c) to feel that we are valuable as human beings
  d) to do what they can reasonably do to help us, but always with our best interests at heart, so not just giving in to our needs or requests (eg my 'holding' issue) but actually working out what is best in the therapeutic relationship, what they can handle too, so they don't let us down by offering something with good intentions and then having to end it.
  
• They do not judge us for having under developed emotional mind states. In fact they are aware it is literally their job to help and nourish and nurture us in a way that can help those immature, unmet parts to grow and feel SAFE and SECURE, especially emotionally secure.
  
• We are allowed to ask. they may or may not be able to meet our wants/needs and may be genuinely regretful. My sweetP said he often wished he COULD put his arm around me or hold my hand but actually he knows that he would not feel, at the moment, between him and me and being in that room and all that is going on, that it is right for me. AND he is willing to take on the chin all my fury and hurt about that, because he is not into pleasing me just for feeling good, he is into helping me long term.
  

You are doing great. Tell him all your fears and wants. He is not going to run away or laugh or be shocked. It is not what he is like.

So, let him know that lil Yaku had been praying that he has a safe trip home.

He let me know his trip ended up being canceled and said something about how we're all invited to dwell together, connected to one another (safely).

And, I don't know why, but he talks this way when I am in kiddo mode and all I feel is a strong shove and then hear, "Scoot over and make room for God, kid." Ugh. Anyway, let him know I was starting to panic about my level of vulnerability and having too much/pushed away feelings, but praying for the safely part. Why does anything he says that is not explicitly, "I am so happy you want to connect to me," make me freak out? Also, whatever part that has been out is really upset by how ridiculous I feel about her. Like, when I think that I shared a name for that part with him, I feel humiliated and then somewhere else inside I feel a ton of pain that I am embarrassing to another part of myself. This is so ... confusing!!! I've actually been dizzy, floaty and headache-y all morning from being tossed back and forth between different feelings about T and myself. Time for church. Hoping I can connect with God...like I'm "supposed to."

Maybe just ask him to say less of the God stuff and more of the "I" and "me" stuff and stop using religious phrases where a real one from the heart, from him, about him, would do

It's like I have a giant target on my back. We're talking about abiding (T's favorite concept) at church these last few weeks. This week is about "taking off the old," letting old "lies" we've believed surface so they can be removed and replaced/renewed with the truth of God's love and ways for us. Lots of references to childhood stuff, bringing out stuff that we don't even want to remember or think about, to how painful the process is and how we could be tempted to give up, but God knowing our hurt and being with us. I guess I need to stop letting my pastor know how I'm doing...or beg God to give me a break.