I am feeling really frustrated after today's session. I've been sick all week with a virus and didn't even think I'd make it to T today. I thought about just asking if we could do a phone session. But I managed to stop coughing for a bit and used a lot of hand sanitizer so I could shake his hand and not spread around my germs.

Anyway, we had a bit of a rough phone conversation on Tuesday morning where I told him that I felt that he did not want to be near me and that it feels like he could not sit FAR enough away from me. He could fall out the window if he's not careful. I told him I was not feeling safe with him any longer. He asked me what would happen if I allowed myself to feel safe with him and I told him then he would die or disappear. That I just could not handle another person who was important to me leaving me. It does not matter what he says to me I know this will happen and I just cannot stand to lose someone else right now.

So today he asked me what I needed from him. I had no idea what I needed except if he could bring "C" back to life for me. I was not prepared for this question but he seemed sincere. I had no answer for him. What would you say if your T asked you this question?

I gave him a Father's Day card today. I think I gave him one last year too. My mind is fuzzy lately. Anyway, it's weird that I'm giving him a card expressing my thanks for him being the good dad that I always wanted... while at the same time I'm still dealing with my irrational anger towards him for one day having to leave this world and ME.

He spent a lot of time telling me that it was okay that I loved my friend C and that he loved me too. We were best friends and kindred spirits. We were so much alike. Then he tells me that he knows I did not sexualize the relationship because he said that part of me has become blocked because of my past. That I am not sexual at all... okay I was not sure if I should be insulted or relieved. I have a terrible fear that I somehow became seductive towards oldT and that is why I got abandoned and I was BAD so I deserved it. My T says NO, I have never come across that way and he would recognize that in me if it were true.

Then he told me how much he cares for me and I spent the better part of our session refusing his care, not believing in it, and avoiding accepting it. He says since he is the one who cares and the one who is giving that care to me then it's mine to take because he gives it freely. I just can't accept it. I KNOW the moment I do then he will disappear too. And... can someone please tell me... what the heck that means anyway? That he "cares" for me. What does care mean? It's so ambiguous I don't even know what it means.

And if it's a lukewarm version/word for love then I don't want it. People care for their dogs and their jobs and even their cars. I don't like the word "care". It's never enough and I know that is where the anger and grief is. What he can give me is not enough and even if I did love him he is not mine to love and so what is the use of it all? Besides he "cares" for all his patients so I'm just lumped in with a bunch of anonymous people that I don't want to be a part of.

So once again I leave there angry and frustrated and annoyed. Every good feeling I had a few months ago seems lost forever or I have realized what an idiot I was for having them in the first place or I feel like it was not real. None of it. I was just fooling myself.

I am not doing good at all right now and I just want to give up.

TN