probably should change my name to Needy Gyrle huh?
She says I'm like a puppy, going at people, "love me, love me, love me"....uugghh!!!

Gargyle,
May I be really blunt with you about your T? (that's not a rhetorical question, you're in a tough spot and I don't want to make it worse.)

And please don't worry about asking for support. We all understand being in a place where it's hard to give (I haven't exactly been a ball of fire lately. ) And no matter how the conversations start, countless people benefit from reading. Ok?



AG

(((GG)))

There's a time and a place for everything...it's completely okay to need support. We all have times where it's hard to give. I'm glad you posted about this.

quote:

One of the things my T actually does like about me is my generous spirit, so I will come around to that sooner or later here.

I'm worried, GG, because from what it sounds like, you give a lot of yourself to other people? What worries me is that it seems like your T has indicated she likes how generous you are, which seems to be a way of being "okay" with other people, if that makes sense. I could be completely wrong here, so just tell me to shut up if I am. But for your T to point out that quality in you may also give the message that it's not okay to have needs and to not be giving all of the time. Through her words and actions your T is saying that it's not okay to need someone.

Your T is *hurting* you, GG. I know I'm being a little forward, but she is not being helpful to you at all. My T has told me so many things thousands of times and she'll say it a thousand more until I'm able to accept it. And she never says those things in anger, no matter how many times she's repeated herself. Therapy is about changing major patterns in our lives...that isn't going to happen overnight. It doesn't sound like your T has the patience for that.

You're not responsible for your T's feelings. And she should never put that burden on you.

I'm glad you posted, GG...keep updating as much as you need.

(((GG))) I know I have expressed my feelings about how your T talks to you and treats you in the past (before my break, I think) and have been a bit silent on it the last few days. I, like AG seems to, have some real concerns...but I don't want to push, because I know that you're in a tough spot where she does feel like your only support...although I hope you're taking in support here and from your son as much as you're able to. First and foremost, I would just like you to not worry about being needy or a taker. Easier said than done, as I get the same way. Giving can be a beautiful thing, but also a fearful thing. I'd love for you to experience what I wish for myself, which is the ability to peacefully receive, at least here in this place and with people in your life who have proven to be safe and worthy of your trust.

UUuugghh!! I just labored for 30 minutes with an updated response and it didn't post!!!
(frustration, anger!!)
AG - yes, please feel free to be blunt, although I think I know what you might say - I need a new T?
I often wonder if I should leave her, but she is good, and has helped me and been there for me so much in the last year.
She thinks I am stubborn, and if I just - piss or get off the pot - and do the "work" of personal growth & healing, that I wouldn't go through this so much.
I love her, and am so very attached. I can't - not now, it's almost like another death, or break up. I would almost rather her keep hurting me than do without her. (that sounds kind of sick doesn't it??)
She is good & kind a lot of the time, but it just seems when I am in a very dark place, she just pulls the rug out on me. She reminds me that she has the experience & the expertise, and if I would just not be stubborn and take her expertise, I wouldn't go through this.
It's not hard work, if I just do it consistently. She believes that I think I am too good to do the work, she says I am "spoiled", which could not be further from the truth. I may be more lazy than anything, but often times I wonder if I am "worthy" Nof having the kind of life that personal growth will lead to. Again - negative thinking - I know, she is right on that one, but old habit ARE hard to break, especially when one has had the habit for some 45 years.
I wish I could remember everything I stated in the post I just finished, but my brain is starting to freeze here. (found a different starbucks, but the a/c is way too high!!)
& pathetic me.....couldn't let her be mad at me....so had to text her....while I'm sitting here typing this!
Uuughh!!

(((((gg)))))

That just sounds awful! I'm so sorry your t is being this ways. It takes morethan just a t with experience and expertise to heal. It takes relationship and time to heal. Some of what your t said is just not... well I mean saying to you that she wlill not lose sleep over it? That's just a unkind way to put things... and then she says so much worse.. and it makes me cringe too much to even begin to respond to. it also seems like well, she does care or she wouldnt be frustrated with you, and she really isn't handling her frustration well, but in a rather selfish way, and I'm so sorry abut that. Therapy is healing and hard work, but you know this. You are attached to her and losing a t is very hard. I can understand why you feel like staying even when she is so terrible cruel and hurtful. My old t did some very awful stuff, and it was so hard to leave her. It is almost like a break up, but harder because fewer people understand why a t we are attached to can hurt us so much, and be hard to leave. I'm not saying you should leave your t or not... (although things seem very out of wack with her saying such harsh things) but I am saying you are so not alone in what you are experiencing. I don't know exactly what all of this is like for you, but a number of people here (myself included) have experienced a lot of what you are feeling. (And others will have much better input than I about your t herself and what to do about her) but I can say that you should be very kind to you. As much as you can. You have been through a lot and even if you had not, this therapy relationship stuff can really hit very deep. Which is why it can help so much, and hurt too. I'm so sorry about your husband and your mom too. Many hugs, jane

quote:

She mentioned she was tired of having the same conversation over & over again with me. My life is my choice and if I choose wrong, she will not lose sleep over it. THe quesgtions I ask of her put me on the level of an 8th grader she says. She knows I am very attached, yet she will remind me that she is not "my friend, my lover, or my mother". Ouuch!!! I know this, but she doesn't have to throw it in my face like that does she?


She even said today if she ever felt like a failure it is in failing to have me realize how my negative thoughts effect everything.

Hi GG... what I quoted above really disturbs me about your T. No she does not have to nor should she throw anything in your face. How can she speak to you like that? Does she just think that by her being angry and threatening you are going to heal from multiple traumas? I know you are attached to her but does SHE have any clue how attachment works? She is being abusive to you by the things she says. It's not like you can just flip a switch and be the person she feels you should be.

Can I ask you what kind of therapy she does? Is she a CBT therapist? What kind of degree and training does she have? Her responses to you are rather frightening to me and I know my own T would be horrified to hear a T speak to a grieving trauma survivor like that.

I understand that you are attached to her and it would be very difficult to leave her so what I would suggest for now... is that you go find yourself a "consulting T" and discuss your therapy with this other T. Get a feel for what they think about your current treatment. I hope this would be possible for you to do because I think it's important that you speak to a professional about this and hear what they have to say.

Your T is adding damage to the grief and loss you are already trying to deal with. Please go speak to another T and find someone who works with trauma and is knowledgeable about attachment. I'm so sorry you are so sad and feel you have no one to comfort you.

I am happy you found us. Please do not even spend a moment worrying that you are taking too much from here. We all take turns giving and taking. You will give when the time is right. For now you need to come here for support and care and not worry about anything else.

Thinking of you

TN

Hi GG,
Thanks for your permission to speak freely. But please know that I do not expect you act on anything I say, I'm just offering my perspective. So whatever you decide to do if fine with me. You know both yourself and your T so much better than I do and are a better judge of the situation.

OK, first I want to disclose some transference I am having with your T so you can be properly skeptical of my opinion.

quote:

I know that her reaction should probably mean that I really do need to just "buckle down" and get the work done, but it's hard for me to seperate my thoughts from my feelings, even though I know that one causes the other.

It took me a long time to figure it out, but my mother was never allowed to have or express her feelings, so she was very avoidant of them. Which meant that I wasn't allowed to express my feelings or needs, except in ways which didn't frighten my mother. So one of the very strong message I got from her was "Life is hard, just buck up and get on with it." "There's no use whining, no one's going to care, just get on with it." Now my mom lived through some pretty tough stuff and there is a certain value in these beliefs in terms of surviving. BUT that's in an emergency situation. As a way of life, they stink!! Feelings are important and if we cannot express them and have them heard or understood, then they drive us in ways we have no way to control or often to be aware of. So you getting this mesage from your T of of "just get on with it. I'm not having this conversation again. Do it or don't do it; I don't care" frankly really pisses me off, because I spent years in therapy clearing out all that bullshit. So she's hitting my buttons, I want to be clear about that.

All that said, I agree with TN, that her behavior borders on abusive. She is shaming you, condemning you and telling you to stop feeling. It doesn't work that way. Yes, we need to work hard to gain psychc space as David Wallin calls it, that space between us and our feelings where we can understand that how we feel is not necessarily the truth of how things are. But we do that by being able to express those feelings and check them against reality. And grief especially is something that tends to be very unique for each person and has to be worked through for as long as it takes to work through. When I was in the middle of really doing a lot of grief work with my T about the losses that occured in my childhood, I called him one night just totally pissed off and angry about just how f---ing long was I going to have to do this? How long did I have to grieve? He very calmly told me that I was going to keep feeling this way until I didn't need to anymore. In the end, getting through the grief was a combination of letting it run its course and now, recognizing it when it arises but being able to say, Oh yeah, I recognize that grief, I've worked through that and can let it go. But it took me a very long time to get there (as in years, if not decades of work.)

And yes, it is true that she is not your lover, your mother or your friend, but damnit, she IS your therapist. And part of what she should be doing is I believe helping you to understand and accept your own feelings. There is NOTHING wrong with you wanting her to be any of those things and there are some things that are right. My T worked so hard and so long to get me to understand that all of the things I wanted from him which at various times were for him to be my father, my lover and my friend, were good things, That wanting that connection was an indication of healthy needs that had gone unfulfilled. Just because he wasn't the person to fulfill them did not make those yearnings wrong or something to be denied.

I am also very concerned both with her expressing such a high level of frustration and also the whole "it's your decision, I wash my hands of you" reeks of, behave the way I want or the relationship is over. That dynamic is the very thing that injured me so terribly and sent me into years of therapy. It seems counterproductive, to grossly understate it, to be going to therapy to get that attitude. I am seriously questioning your T's ability to tolerate her own emotions. If yours are this threatening to her, then she has no right to be practicing as a T. You are paying her so that it's not about her feelings. Forgive my language, but I don't give a flying f--- if she's frustrated with you! Go get your own therapist, break some dishes, or go get another profession. Did I mention I'm a little angry about how she's treating you?

Last but not least, I worry about a re-enactment. If we have had problematic relationships with attachment figures in our past, especially as young children, there was a life and death, this HAS to work intensity because it was life and death; we cannot survive on our own when young. We can carry this with us and stick with relationships way past when we should get out because we are still trying to make it work. We will take whatever crumbs of nuturance we can scramble for and make a feast of them, because we have learned to live on crumbs and never knew there were tables at which we could sit and feast.

All that said, I realize this is just a small snapshot of your T and again, I know she is triggering me about my mother which does not make me the most objective person in the world. so feel free to toss all this out.

I am sorry for the pain you are in and I am very glad that you are reaching out here.



AG

GG

I am so angry at your t GG. Never in my life have I heard of a t telling someone that they were frustrated with them and tired of the same conversation!!! Oh if I could I would really let your t have it.

So sorry for venting there.

GG - please think about a new t. This is not good for you to have someone be abusive and un feeling to your needs. (())

Jane, TN,AG & Smiley -
thanks for the support and feedback. I am so lost right now, I just don't know what to do.
My T is a Phd, - a psychologist & also a professor. She is a very smart lady, probably the smatest woman I hae ever met. (I'm not trying to defend her here)
I do feel abused sometimes. I recently e-mailed another T - someone who is local and has an occurring column in our local newspaper. She stated that therapy is very different for everyone, and isn't always easy for both parties involved. She stated that I should show my T the e-mail and discuss with her. That was about a month ago, and I never did show my T the e-mail. I'm too afraid to.
When I told my T this week that I was feeling anxious about he rgoing on vacation, she said she would help me create a plan for while she is away, I thought that was nice, but also - "don't bug me while I'm gone". Last year on her vacation - her phone "got wet" and it miraculously dried out jsut fine once she was home. I didn't realize until recently that was her way of not having to deal with any of her clients while on vacation. I get that she is human and deserves a break, but just be honest.
Anyway - this morning I have seriously given some thought about taking a break from her. I owe her a lot of money, so she may be thinking "good riddance", I don't know.
I'm so lost....and it hurts very much. I really do hate to lose her, I do love her.....even though she is not "my friend, my lover or my mom".
And let me just say - the whole "lover" comment, WTF??!! I have told her that I do not feel that way about her, and honestly think she is possibly a lesbian - but who the fuck cares? Why say that to me?
Gotta get to work now....thanks again for all of the support. I think this day is going to be rough.
GG

OK - my day went ok - but this whole thing is weighing so heavily on my mind, I feel near tears way too much.
I haven't texted her at all today, which is a big deal for me. I just don't know what to do. I am trying to find a number of anyone I can call & just discuss this on the phone with, as I feel I want immediate help with this situation.
I don't want her to hate me, it's just killing me to think that she might. And she knows how attached I am, so this whole thing is not getting any easier for me.
I feel like running away, from everything!! My finances are a mess, I can't afford to go see anyone else at this point, and no insurance. I really hate everything right now.
Can't cry - at the starbucks again! Damn!!!

quote:

We will take whatever crumbs of nuturance we can scramble for and make a feast of them, because we have learned to live on crumbs and never knew there were tables at which we could sit and feast.

I like the way Ag said this...I hope you will contact the T you wrote to in the paper, and get a consult if possible, it doesnt matter how smart the T is...mine was literally *brilliant* but he didn't get me and he hurt me. Try another for a consult you can't get hurt worse than you already are, GG, and it might help. I'm one who has been there- and not even nearly as bad as you have, and it is a re-traumatization worse than the first, because you are paying for it. you don't deserve this treatment.

hugs,

BB

ps, please keep "taking" for as long as you need to, My heart really goes out to you.

Your therapist sounds abusive. Do you feel that she is helping you?

LG -
Yes - I have felt that she has helped me in the last year or so. I have done a few things that I never thought I would ever do, I recently ran my first 5k, at the age of 45 no less, and I don't think I ever could have done that without her encouragement.
The thing is - I keep blaming myself for not doing the things she is trying to teach me, and when I feel bad, or negative, or depressed, she really seems to let me have it. If I would just do as I am told, and take her expert advise, and do the things she is telling & teaching me, I would not feel this way. These are not her rules she says - but there is science to back it all up. And ya know - I get all that, but it's not always easy for me, to continue to be motivated, and always do what she tells me to do. So who do I have to blame for my misery? Only myself apparently. But- I absolutely hate when she gets mean like this. It is so very hurtful, and she has told me that she thinks I like to be the victim, and I need to stop acting like one. OUCH!!
I feel bad now, that I have been just on a "bashing my T" mode for the past few days, guilt kicking in I guess. I don't know, very confused. I'm hurting, lsot, alone in this...and I wish I could just talk to her about it, but I'm now afraid to.
I should never be afraid to express my feelings - right?
The attachment.....it's not going away so easily, and I just don't know what to do.
This is making me physically ill I fear.....my head is pounding.
Heading home soon....thanks all!!
GG

GG,

People make progress in their own time. It can be encouraged, but shouldn't be rushed.

GG, I echo what LG said above. Everyone learns in their own way, at their own pace - take it from a teacher!

On another note, I think that a lot of what has come out in this thread is good food for conversation with your T at some point. It doesn't sound like she's being very flexible with you - which doesn't necessarily make her a bad person at all, just maybe not the right fit for what you now need.

Don't be too hard on yourself - this inner-journey is the hardest thing to go through, or at least that's how I feel (especially after bawling through three hours of therapy this week!) It is not something that people can be pushed into, otherwise important growth steps will be missed.

((((GG))))

Ok - decided to send T an e-mail. Can I get some feedback before I send please?
Would like to send ASAP, if possible,(before I chicken out) See below
Thanks
GG



Hi -
Ok the internet can be a dangerous thing in the wrong hands, but also one can learn a lot when they open their eyes.
I know I have been struggling lately with this whole transference issue, and I did a bit more research tonight, especially after feeling damn lousy after our phone conversation yesterday.
I won't lie, I have thought about bailing out of this more often than not lately, thinking you hate me, and that I'm not worth your time. I did learn some things tonight, as well as a bit of self discovery, so if you could please just bear with me right now.
I really did feel ignored for so much of my childhood. And when I learned that my mom was so unhappy when she found out she was pregnant with me, that was quite a blow. (the failed rythm method baby)
Being in the middle, and the quiet shy one at that, I was just pushed aside. Told to take care of the younger ones, while mom was busy with the older ones. I only got attention for doing the bad stuff, like wetting the bed. And that wasn't intential either. I can remember waking up, being paralyzed with fear ,and not being physically able to get up to use the bathroom, which my room was the farthest from. This was not the kind of attention a little girl wants either. The hand me downs, the "little sister" to the perfect blond older sister.
(I know - your childhood was worse, I'm not competing here, just explaining)
Mom and I didn't really get very close, I think, ,until I was pregnant and had my son. After that, the relationship really did grow. I loved her so very much, and we did have such a good relationship after that.

I know you are not my mom, or my friend, and it's your job to keep those boundries, and remind me of the truth of the relationship. At times though, it seems so very harsh, and you are doing so just to hurt me. Which I realize is part of the whole damn problem. Vicious cycle ain't it?? Sucks to be me in this situation.
I think I crave more than anything, not just your expert advise, but compassion and comfort. I wish at times, instead of you yelling at me, that you would just hug me and say - hey it's going to be ok. I know - you are my coach not my cheerleader, but even a coach will keep encouraging his players until they can hit a home run, no matter how many times they strike out. (not saying you don't ever encourage me, you do, and I do appreciate that) And if I get sent to the minors, the coach works with me to get back up to the big league.(gosh-I love baseball)
I constantly worry that you hate me, and that you don't want me as a client or that you will fire me. (much like mom not wanting a third child at that time I guess)
And when I am so in pain, from everything that I have gone through, in the last few years, and a lot of my life perhaps, and then you turn around and yell at me, isn't that just adding salt to my wounds? I don't know - but that is what it feels like. It seems at those times, that it will just take longer for the healing process, as I now have more to heal from.

I understand your frustration with me, and it's not my intention to fail you, as of course that is really just failing myself isn't it? I'm supposed to have patience with this process, aren't I? Sometimes you tell me that I am too impatient with my journey, yet there are other times I feel like you think I am not going as fast as you want me to be.
I have a hell of a lot of pain, grief and anger to get through, and that may be getting in the way of the growth process. (duh, right?)
Just not sure if my journey is going at the expected pace. (we got a lot of innings left coach)

((((gg))))

The more you share of what your t has said the more - well, frankly, she really really bothers me. I have to own that I hesistate responding about her because my old t did and said some very simillar things nesr the end of the relationship with her. I also saw another t (before my old t) that did and said so much that is so simillar to stuff you have said about your t and I've talked with both ts I see now, and another t who used to work with this t - and all of them were appalled. Even at the time is saw this t, I felt so hurt, and yet there was some help... and I kept thinking... but she has been published and is a nationally know expert.. ( and she is) ... so I kept going back because I needed help, she knew her stuff, and there was some help, but she was also hurting me too out of her self assured arrogance and unresolved issues that she disowned all the time to even her former partner in her practice. She's a great book writer and perhaps when she was less arrogant and more flexible and less... well, full of herself... I think she heard clients and collgues a lot better. I remember telling a friend some of what she was saying and my friend said whoa, jane... that is not ok... and yet it was so hard to sort out for me. It took me time and in the end I finally did stop with that t after a couple of months, and I felt like I failed. It took some time (and reassurance and different kinds of therapy experiences) to realize this wasn't me failing, but her and her stuff keeping her from helping in a way a needed.

So because of that experience, I hesitate to respond more about your t because I'm not sure if I'm overreacting in my response to her just because some of what you write feels so familliar. I feel immensely protective of you with her and frustrated with her arrogance. This is some of my own stuff talking here. She vomes across to me as dissmissive, belittling and cold. You are hurting and have gone through loss of very significant people in you life and I really understand why you feel so attached. Heck, even without that, I understand...

I can't even begin to list the things that concern me about your t more and more.

I read your email draft, and it seems to be very clear. I think it is good for you to communicate all of this that is going on for you. I alos want to say that while I don't know your t... she might be a little too sure of her way being right in her eyes to hear you and help you with this part of your healing process right now. She might totally finally get it too... and either way, I think its good to be as clear as you can about where you are at, what you need, how her actions make you feel, what it triggers and brings up from the past for you (with out risking too much further heartache by bein vulnerable and I think you are probably the best judge of that) and then she how she responds. If things change, then great! And either way, then I hope maybe it helps give you more reassurance and peace that this is so not about you failing her... but (at least to me) her completely failing you...

Oh, and please take all that I write very lightly as I clearly speak from having a lot of my own "stuff" about ts who act like arrogant know it alls. Oh, and please forgive all my typos (responding from my phone as my internet is down at home for a bit)

I'm sure others will have better feedback in a more spcific way... but generally, yeah, I think that is a good thing to send to your t. I hope things turn around soon. Hang in there...

jane

((GG)) - I'm not sure how to respond here as I am so angry at your T for the way she has been treating you. While reading your e-mail I was very sad for you. You think you are failing your t, or that you're not good enough, or that you're not doing it right. Please understand that it isn't you. YOU are not failing her, YOU are good enough and you are doing it right if that's what you want to call it. I don't think there is a right way or wrong way here. We just go with it and our T's are supposed to be there to support us, not judge us or scold us.

I'm really glad that you have decided to write to her. May I suggest that you be a little more firm in what you expect from her? I feel you being firm but then kind of shrinking back. You have every right to state what you expect from her and what you don't expect from her. I think you should send her your thoughts. Good for you!!!

GG,
I think it's a good email and you should go ahead and send it. I really do believe the only way to deal with these kinds of issues is head on. but pay attention to how your T reacts. If you see a lot of defensiveness on her part or a lot of blame being directed against you, I would take that as major red flags.

And forgive me, but I have to ask, why in hell would you have ANY idea what kind of childhood she had, let alone that it was "worse" than yours (whatever that's supposed to mean. As you said, it's not a competition.) Again, this woman really pushes my buttons, so take what I say with a healthy dose of skepticism.

AG

(((GG)))

I read your email from band practice last night at church, so I wasn't able to respond until now, but AG said basically what I wanted to say, especially regarding your T's childhood stuff. My T does a fair amount of self-disclosure (to seem like a human being and when it is relevant to our discussions and my experiences) and other than vague knowledge of him having had periods of existential depression in his adulthood that allow him to conceptualize what I'm talking about at times, I know nothing at all about his "stuff." The whole idea of it being a competition really hits me hard, because that's how it is in my family, it's a game I refuse to play...and to imagine having to play that game in T makes me (sorry to say it this way) literally nauseous. I think AG has given you some really good advice in what sort of things to screen for in her response, so I hope you're able to take in some of the wisdom and experience from others here who know a lot more about therapy, boundaries and the therapeutic relationship than I do.

I sent the e-mail, at 3:15 a.m., as I don't sleep very well anyway. I know she doesn't check her e-mail every day,and she doesn't always respond either, so I'm not even sure if she's read it yet!!
The anticipation, and anxiety over how she will react is getting to me tonight.
Not to mention, I sent her a text a few hours ago and also have not hear back. The text I sent was regarding my best friend, who has been very disappointing to me lately. She has really let me know the past few months and last weekend was the worst. And tonight she sent me a text, the first time I have heard from her in over a week. I don't know how to respond to her. She has been so unreliable, and very hurtful - my friend I'm talking about here. So now she texts and wants to know if we are still friends, and I have no idea how to respond. She has drug & alcohol issues, and has been so hurtful to me lately.
Anyway - right now, I'm sitting at home, another friday night with no plans.....sorry - no pity party!! But I am a bit freaked out about how T will react to e-mail....what if she decides she can't deal with me? What if she yells, and gets all condesending? Uuughh!! So many "what ifs"!!
I should just go to bed now.....it's my escape mechanism. I call my bed the black hole.....I have spent more time there in the last year that I have ever in my life.
Ok - now I am sounding like a pathetic party pity. Perhaps chocolate to the rescue.....
GG

GG, you are not having a pity party- you are severely depressed most likely and simply need a kind, non-judgememntal T who will help you work through your issues honestly, openly, with good communication. By communicating with you openly, honestly, and *kindly* and telling you carefullyw hat her boundaries are in the relationship without doing it to hurt you, she models good realtional skill, and you slowly pick up on those and learn how to implement them in your other relationships, such as with friends, so that you slowly learn how to have relationships that meet your needs, where you can both give and take and not feel so much misery and guilt all the time.

GG- is it true that your T actually told you about her own childhood, and said that hers was worse than yours? If that really happened to you in therapy, and isn't something that you beleive without her saying it (forgive me it was hard to tell by how you worded it) then I would run fast and far. One of the most harmful things we do, is to "compare" our pain to other people's and say either..."mine is worse" or "mine is not as bad" because it is a setup for failure either way, in being able to truthfully acknowledge our issues, so to grow in love and compassion for ourselves. So if your T said that to you, then she is clearly in need of therapy herself, and should not be counseling other people in order to fill that need for herself. You pay her, and probably quite a lot. I'm glad you sent the email. That was really brave of you. I hope that when you get the response- (if you get one) that it will not spin you out too badly. Let us know how you are coping?

Many supportive hugs,

BB

Thanks BB - Yes she has told me a bit about her childhood, and claims, yes, that it was much worse than mine. YIKES! I know. (run, run away, huh??)

Today I'm having a serious struggle. I am feeling very burned out, working a lot of hours, and now all of this as well. I just want to text her so bad, that I feel I have to go through this all on my own. Working today, and struggling & fighting the tears. Not very professional, I know...... red eyes at the Optometrist office, ha ha! What a "sight" I must be!
GG

She flat out told you her childhood was worse than yours?! Oh dear... that ia just wrong, wrong, wrong...

Oh GG, I'm so sorry... you don't have to go through this all alone. What about seeing a consult t? If I had not started seeing a new t, I don't think I could have made it through dealing with my old t. We are here for you too. Ok, it is not the same as someone in person to walk through this with you.

I'm sorry you are crying so much - it is understandable. You are clearly attached and she is way out of line... Hang in there...

jane

Hi All,
back at starbucks.....free wifi.
Not sure if T has read e-mail yet or not. Sent her a text yesterday while I was working, telling her I felt very burned out, working a lot of hours lately, and feeling like I lost my best friend, as I recently actually have. Also told her I felt like I had lost her too, and to please not be mad at me, as I was feeling very fragile & teary yesterday. Well, she called me, but didn't leave a message. I sent her another text to tell her I was still working so coudln't take her call. Haven't heard from her since.
I had such a rough night last night. Felt very, very angry, stressed, aggitated. Laid in bed & cried for a very long time, texted a few other friends, with no response, jsut to have company. Finally called my neighbor, just to ask if I could cry on her shoulder. Just felt so very alone, and very frustrated. I actually smoked a cigarett!! (very mad at myself for that, as I quit about 19 months ago!)
Won't be doing that again.
I am so very stressed right now. I feel like I don't have the energy, or the drive to do the things I know I should be doing to make myself feel better. I know T will just yell at me for that, because if I would do those things, I wouldn't feel this way. But it's just not always easy......and that makes her think I'm "spoiled"?? I don't get it.!!
I'm in and out of very dark places in my mind, and she doesn't seem to care. (I have one life, what I choose to do is my choice and she won't try to convince me to live, as I need to convince myself, is her position) I am having horrible nightmares, when I do sleep. And being at the lovely age, over the magic number of 40, I cannot stand the heat anymore!!! I think I have sweat a gallon today alone.
I'm so worried that she is going to fire me, or I don't know, what else could be worse than that right now? I need her, I love her, and I can't lose yet one more person.
Uuuuugghh!!!!!!!!!!!
VERY FRUSTRATED!
GG

Hi Gar,

Haven't posted yet on this thread but I feel so bad for what you are going through with your T. One thought I had concerned that comment that you are bringing her down to the level of an 8th grader. But, to me, she treats you like an 8th grader, telling you what to do, yelling at you, getting frustrated with you. The others have all expressed their concerns abotu her so well that i won't bother to repeat anything but just say I agree with everything that has been said. But it sounds like you have some financial contraints that would prevent you from finding someone else?

I hope you get through the next couple of days okay. Actually, you did some very good things for yourself by reaching out to your friends.
You should feel good about that.

HUGS,

Liese

It's Monday morning, and I haven't heard from her at all. On Saturday in my text to her I said I felt like I had lost her too, and now not hearing from her makes it that much more real. It's like a death, or a break up....I am sad right now. I have to work, I need a break from things. I get one day of a week, and I am broke so no fun for me. I can't take much more of this.....I have tried, I really have, but I don't know if I can continue. If she has given up on me, thatn why should I even care?
I hurts so much, knowing/feeling as though I no longer have her. And of course I don't know that to be fact either, it's just my own perception.
My chest had been pounding all morning. I don't want to cry at work today, I fear it's gong to be a very long shift.
Seems as though I am barely keeping my head above water right now......

(((((GG))))))) there *are* avenues of support out there that are available to you, that are helpful rather than destructive and hurtful. You *can* find them, and I have faith in you that, when the dust settles, you will. I know how painful it is to know that your T is hurting more than helping- it is a terrible place to be in, but, I think the idea of meeting with a consult T to dicuss what is happening is an excellent one. It is unfortunate, but when we enter therapy in desperation looking for answers to our pain, that we often find a therapist who is not capable of handling what we throw at them. Deeply, deeply unfortunate- but- the reality. Your is not to question why this has come to you- but to decide what you will do now, with your time?

You don't have to say goodbye, especially with no other support in place first- but you could meet with another T one week, maybe, to just talk things over, about how she makes you feel, how she yells at you, invalidates you- and see if it helps to talk to someone else. Just an idea that I support.

Be kind to yourself. I know the dark places you are in, and my T wasn't even anywhere nearly as mean as yours seems to be. But you are *not* powerless, even though it feels very much that way.

My heart goes out to you.

hugs and hugs,

BB

Thanks BB.
This day has been awful. I have not heard from her, and I have not texted her in 2 days, which is very difficult for me. The anxiety I feel over this is getting very difficult. My heart has been very erratic today, and I certainly hope it's nothing but the stress. Busy day at work so no time to cry, which is a good thing. I so want to connect with her, but I am very fearful at this time.
I am suffering more due to this damn attachment! I was hoping to be in a much better place at this time this year, but it seems as I have gone back to almost the same state I was in a year ago. THIS SUCKS!!
I am so fearful that she hates me, wants to fire me, and I may never see her again. I worry too much about this. I also don't know if I want to go on without her in my life. This is not the way I had envisioned therapy working for me. I am just a big ol' mess right now, and the one person who I want to turn to I don't feel that I can. I have no close friends here,and my best friend has left me recently as well. I cannot take much more of this. T told me my neediness pushes people away......I guess she was right. Ever the drama queen I guess.
Still at work for a bit longer tonight....sigh.
GG

Uuughh!! - I have to text, I just need to connect and make sure she will still talk to me.

Ok - so I sent her text, just saying that I needed to connect, thats all.
She called me a little while ago, and we had a really nice chat. It was almost like a verbal hug. It felt nice.
She didn't mention the e-mail, so I'm still not even sure if she read it or not.
But I feel much better after tonights conversation. She doesn't hate me, and realizes I have LOTS more grieiving to do.
I will just keep taking baby steps, one day at a time. ....
At least my anxiety is abated fot now. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Glad to hear she called you GG and that your anxiety is reduced. You need a good sleep.

Take care,
TN

GG- what would you say if one of us was posting what you posted? Would this be the type of relationship that you would want me to have with my T? Or would you think I deserve someone compassionate, a good listener but firm and challenging just the same? I feel the physical illness from this. It hurts to read. I know she helped you and that is awesome. Take what you got, it's good. But what she is doing now is not good. If she's got compassion fatigue, it's up to her to suggest a break. No matter what you do, say or don't say, it will not change what she thinks. And what you think she thinks are your thoughts not hers. Give her credit or "debit" for what she says and does not for your worries. I know you deserve warmth, kindness and patience.