Thanks, DF. He triggered me on my birthday too. He sent me an e-card, saying "Happy 30th birthday. Not that you remembered mine," and made some sort of passive-aggressive comment about his tears with a "just kidding." And the thing is, I did remember his. I sent an e-card and left him a voicemail at home. He shares email (and obviously home phone) with my step-mom, so now I wonder if she actively interferes with our relationship. It's so hard, because if I look back to before he "disappeared," I have a sense that he was a very good father, as much as my mom being crazy allowed him to be. So, when I think badly of him, I feel extremely guilty toward that man he used to be. It's like I have two different fathers: the one who, although emotionally disconnected, took care of me when I was very little and the @$$hole who left me in an abusive home with a woman who was obviously not capable of taking care of me. And I cannot reconcile them being the same person, so I beat the $#!+ out of myself for giving him too little (or too much) credit, depending on which dad I am thinking of at the time.

Yaku,

This is so difficult and not stupid at all. I've watched my H deal with things between his Dad and stepmom. Whenever the Dad remarries, the woman and her family take priority it seems - unless the woman is something special. My H went to meet his Dad once to tell him he needed him more in his life. His Dad told him that he was "above that" on some kind of spiritual level. My H was devastated. The stepmom was sooo jealous that when the Dad talked on the phone with the kids, she had to be on the extension. No one ever questioned it. They weren't allowed to be alone with him. She never ever encouraged him to have a separate relationship with his kids, in fact really forbade it. So, I think this happens often in these types of situations. My H's Dad was sooo weak, which is how I see it, and couldn't stand up to her and do right by his children. He really dropped the ball in a big way. And, it sounds like your Dad did too!!! I am so sorry. I can only imagine how painful it is.

(((((HUGS)))))

Liese

There is no such thing as a stupid trigger. A trigger is a trigger is a trigger is a trigger.

Liese, Jane - Thanks for the support and for sharing your stories.

LG - Thanks...I know if anyone else said it was "stupid," I would say, "Of course that's not stupid." But, we all know I am "special," right? :P

Love you guys. I really appreciate being a part of this community.

Yaku, I'm sorry you had to experience this hurt. It must be so confusing to have the image of two sides of your Dad in your head not knowing which one to trust. I can really understand how the FB page was triggering for you. Although my family was crazy, there was no divorce or step parents to contend with so I have no idea of those dynamics. I can only imagine what you went through as a child. I'm sorry.

((((Yaku))))

TN

TN - Thanks. You summarized my feelings perfectly. I'm so confused. I just made an online family tree for T yesterday. If it didn't have real names on it, I would share it with you guys. It is kind of ridiculous. Basically, I have:
Dad - Stepmom: Two step-sisters
Mom - 1st husband: 2 older sisters (who also have two sisters, unrelated to me, but who I know)
Mom - 2nd husband (Dad): Me
Mom - 3rd husband: 2 younger sisters, step-brother
Mom - never married, 4th father: 1 younger brother (another half-sibling of half sibling).

In between all those child-bear relationships, she has had dozens of male figures in and out of my life.

My grandparents' generation also has multiple marriages to keep track of too.

So, yeah...I guess I'm just a bit confused. No wonder I can't attach to anyone! Jeez, thinking about it makes my head hurt.

Yaku,

Oh my goodness, I can only imagine how that would feel. I am so sorry that your dad neglected to include in his "My Life" album. That makes me so sad to read that.

To answer your original questions, what I do when I am triggered is play Zuma on Facebook, go on a walk or work out if I am up to it, lie in bed and watch stand up comedy on Netflix, etc.

A mean part of me wants to unfriend him, but that is so lame. So, I will just keep my mouth shut. I will never tell him I feel abandoned. His Dad walked away from their family and remarried and prioritized his new family. He completely screwed over my grandmother (the one I was so attached to) and 90% of the family won't even speak with my grandfather...including my dad. Is it stupid that, despite feeling injured, I care about how much it would hurt my father to feel like he had done the same thing as his dad did? I mean, financially, no. But relationally, emotionally, yes. And when I am thinking of how I love the man he was to me as a very little girl...I can't bare to cause him pain.

Some positive memories to remind me that he did love me and I was a part of his life:
-He would take me out to play basketball, baseball, football.
-We played Nintendo together.
-He would go over my homework with me and teach me things a few years earlier than I needed to know them.
-I chose to learn the drums in 3rd grade, because he told me about how he played drums when he was younger. My mom is a professional pianist, but I CHOSE to be like my dad.
-He would take me shopping to auto shops, buy parts for his Ranchero and his motorcycles and I would watch him fix them up.
-He held my hair when I was throwing up. He made me drink water, so I would stay hydrated, even though I hated that it made me throw up more.
-We would take rolled up socks, so we could play catch when we were stuck inside the house.


T says it sounds like he kind of coopted me into doing things HE liked, rather than connect with who I was as a child...but all that mattered to me was that he was there. So, if he could have just managed to not disappear and choose his wife over his 10-year-old daughter, I would really have nothing bad to say about him. I guess him not posting anything from that period of our life, it says to me, that part of my childhood that I have always cherished as something I could hold onto, as a time where I was safe, protected, loved...it doesn't mean anything. And, the reality of it is, as I remember more, I'm realizing that he was in and out of the house so often (my mom breaking up with him and dating other guys), that I wasn't really safe or protected then either. When he was gone, he was gone. I was vulnerable and bad things happened. And me pretending like he was this great dad until he disappeared is just an illusion I have allowed myself in order to not be miserable about my childhood...I feel so pathetic.