When i went to T yesterday i was feeling better then i had been in the last few weeks .i didn't want to talk about anything heavy. i told her i didn't feel like talking about stuff and i told her why. so we talked about this story i was reading and she wanted to know the ending so we talked about that some and got on the subject of my grandfather.
I have fond memories of my grandfather. and i was telling her about them. i told her about how the mother was so angry with me because i didn't care that he had died .my T asked me how old i was and i didn’t remember but i guessed i was about 7 or 8 years old. She said that young children lacked the ability to understand the concept of death and that to me he just wasn’t there. The mother had once again had made it all about her and interrupted that understanding. i was able to accept that answer it made sense to me.
so last night i was thinking about all this and wanted to know exactly how old i was. i remembered that i had my grandmothers bible and it had a copy if his death certificate. as it turned out i was 13 years old when he died .definitely old enough to understand the concept of death.
this sent me into a huge panic. The mother was right i had no reaction to him dying at all. it made no difference to me. i am completely scared that even at that age i was already dead inside .that i had no emotions at all.
I don’t want to say anything to my T about this because i don't want her to think that i lied to her about how old i was .i also don’t want her to think that i am a horrible person.