Wow R2G that's a tough one. Obviously you need to do what is comfortable for you. That being said, it sure doesn't make it any easier. In my place right now I would welcome being totally alone for that long, but it would be scary too. It sounds like there would be plenty of time for them to find someone else to house sit so that shouldn't be a problem. Did you have plans to visit anyway or was it one big trip that was planned together? Since she knows about your depression and all than she would probably understand. We can't control how other people will react but so long as we are responsible and reasonable things should work out fine.
I will house sit for you... where is this.... oh please.... take me away..... LOL

Room2Grow,

I agree that the more time you give your friend to find someone else, the better. At first, she might be momentarily annoyed because it will mean she has to make other arrangements but ultimately, taking care of their pets is their responsibility and taking care of you is your responsibility.

If the roles were reversed, how would you react if she called you and said she just couldn't be alone for 10 days because it is too overwhelming for you? You seem like you would be very understanding. I bet your friend will too and if not, maybe she's not as good a friend as you think she is.

Thanks smiley, BG, and Liese

Yes, the trip is heading to the nice warm California coast... The last 4 summers I have scheduled my trip there so that I could house sit and be there for my friend when her family goes out of town to take care of the pets - I've loved having the house to myself in the past!

This summer the plans were the same - arrive and hang with them for a while, house sit, and then hang for a few more days before heading home.

If I were in her shoes, I would reassure my friend that it was fine, and that her health and well-being comes first. Then I'd hang up the phone and panic until I figured out a plan B. But that's just me, and my good ole way of putting other peoples needs first

I have clued her in on some of what's been going on, but with the newest addition to my plate of challenges, she doesn't yet know. And the newest challenge feels like the ticking time bomb if I do go out to house sit. I don't even want to go and visit right now, I don't want to be away from my support system here.

You're right, though... Once I fill her in on what's really going on, if she isn't understanding, than she might not have been the friend I thought... But I do hope and wish that she will understand...

I called my T to discuss this whole dilemma, and hope to speak to her about it tomorrow so I can get a hold of the situation, and then move forward with a plan...

I wish things were not so freaking hard right now... this time of year is already hard enough, but adding this stuff into the mix? Torture...

I saw my T today and spent the entire session discussing this situation.

She agreed with me that it wouldn't be smart to go on an extended trip this summer, at least not so soon this summer. I need to be close to home, so I can get a littler better handle my current, miserable situation.

My heart is hurting so much right now - I so want to go and see my friend and let her take care of me a little bit (I can't seem to let anyone take care of me more than just a little) but I know if I go I run the risk of spiraling dangerously out of control and getting myself into further trouble.

I drafted an email, sobbing my way through writing it. The decision is made. I just have to press send. Why does taking care of my own needs hurt so freaking much? I feel like a huge failure right now

Room2Grow,

High five for taking care of you although I can see why the trip is so attractive and why you feel bad about not going. One because you enjoy the trip and two because you feel like you are letting your friend down. But just think about what you would sacrifice if you went. You'd be going to beautiful California and seeing your friend but you'd be away from your support system, which you just can't do right now.

As I get older, I see life as more of a balancing act. There are no right are wrong answers. There are so many shades of gray. You have great reasons for wanting to go and great reasons for wanting to stay home.

In time, making the decision to take care of ourselves first becomes easier and easier. It just hurts so much now because you're not used to doing it and you feel guilt from the past.

Hope you can stop beating yourself up!

Hugs,

Liese

Thanks Liese. Seconds ago I hit send and sent the email. My heart is racing right now as all is actually out of my control (meaning my friend's reaction to my email)

I hope that this process of moving from black/white to gray doesn't take forever... just like this self-care guilt... I know, I know, took 30+ years to build the guilt, it's going to take more than 6 months to ease it!

I will be holding my breath (figuratively of course) until I hear back from her. And I might even have to have a friend read the email first... but, it's done.

Room2Grow,

Did you hear back from your friend yet? I got chills when I read that you hit the send button. I know how scary it can be to take care of ourselves when we know it will hurt the other person, especially when we care about the other person. I hope your friend was understanding.

Liese

Me too- I hope she was understanding...

(((R2G)))

BB

Thanks for checking in Liese and BB.

She was so understanding and concerned and reassured me that it will be easy for them to find someone to house sit, that my health is the most important thing. I don't feel deserving of her compassion and concern

And now that I know the pressure is off and I'm not taking the three-week trick, I feel soooo guilty and ashamed and actually now want to take back the trip and just push through it, even though I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do.

I'm so confused. Life is getting a little too hard these days, and I almost wish I could go back to the ignorance is bliss mentality of years past instead of the intolerable pain of the present.

Oh Room2Grow,

I think I know what you are feeling. You are feeling relief from cancelling the trip and that's making you feel better. And then that kind of screws with your mind because you kind of feel like, oh, I'm fine, I was just making that all up. I can do it. Well, that's what happens to me anyway.

I am so glad your friend was understanding. That says something about the kind of friend she is and the strength of your relationship. Maybe you can try to take in some of the caring she is offering.

Liese

quote:

I think I know what you are feeling. You are feeling relief from cancelling the trip and that's making you feel better. And then that kind of screws with your mind because you kind of feel like, oh, I'm fine, I was just making that all up. I can do it. Well, that's what happens to me anyway.

This is exactly what I think it is! I'm so pissed that I made the decision and now feel better! It would have been easier if she was mad at me or if the decision was made and I was still upset, but the sense of relief is NOT comforting!

Thanks Liese and BG... It feels so weird to put myself and my needs first...