On my way out to a family thing (ahhh!), but wanted to answer quickly.

I could not do it in 45 minutes. My parts come out more completely and I go away and it can take time to be grounded enough to go after.

Dimmed lights do help, both because of triggers from certain parts' memories and because I feel less exposed.

Sitting side-by-side, or on the floor, holding hands, etc. all feel much safer, though initially, the closeness triggered some real d-attachment responses.

I have comforting stuff for the kids, but they rarely come out unless there is huge triggering. Sometimes I find them out without really remember them being taken out.

I say take it slow. Again, protectors first, what their concerns are, then whatever little you can risk to share, even if it is just occupying the same space.

When my sessions were most intense, I had to do them in the evenings, so I didn't have much to come home and do after. Longer sessions also helped T to have enough time for me to just sit there (once kids are gone) and ground for a bit after leaving.

It helped me at first to just kind of write ABOUT what was coming up, and then talk to him about it in our next session, when it was too hard to talk about it or get direct interaction. So, a session might be a lot of stuff coming up, but I couldn't process it immediately in the moment and would take a few days to write about it, then our next session we might talk about what came up for me, after I had some distance from it. I don't know if your T would do that, as long as the actual discussions happened in session, but it helped ME feel safer to talk about it without being afraid I'd be misunderstood. Now, I don't need to do that almost at all anymore, like once in several months and about something I was having a problem with, not kid stuff.

Hi Anon....

Thank you for responding. It's amazing how far you have come in your work. You should be proud of you.

Thanks for reminding me about the protectors first. I found a really good article that was easy to understand that talks about this. They call the protectors the "judgmental" part. I will post a link here to the article. It's Christian based and although I'm not very religious I found it helpful and interesting.

http://www.nacr.org/wordpress/...from-childhood-abuse

Hope you enjoy the family thing...
Hugs
TN

TN I'm going through a similar process atm in my therapy and of course all hell is breaking loose in my personal life grr!!

I think where you can take as much pressure off yourself when it comes to work and social commitments. you as an individual are important and valuable and little girl you is too and she needs her time and space to process what's happened to her growing up.

My sessions are 50mins and the room is lit by two floor lamps so the ambience is lovely. My T (i doubt) would never hold my hand. He has given me an item of his for me to hold onto between sessions. I think bring whatever you need (toys, comfort items etc) to help you feel safe in the process.

I wonder if you can see T multiple times per week so you're accessing more containment while you're feeling more unstable? Is there anyway you can have a break between the end of a session and returning to work?

In this whole process I have found the hardest thing is that once I speak something from little girl me I panic that I'm going to get rejected and abandoned by my T. The shame, fear and worthlessness that then unfolds is often unbearable. Sometimes writing in a journal or emailing or texting T to make sure the relationship is still ok can really help. At the end of the day you are dealing with the most anguished and awful grief you never should have known. But the grief is the path to healing.

Hugs to you xxx

GreenEyes, thank you for your thoughts. They were helpful. I do see my T twice a week as it does help contain me. We do a lot of work (usually) on Monday and by Thursday we are containing and doing additional processing. And I do have access to him out of session via email and telephone which is priceless in doing this type of work.

I will have to give some thought to how to manage some extra time between session and returning to work. It's hard to plan ahead of time because what if I don't need it? What if I cannot access anything and I'm feeling fine? I would love to have at least some night time sessions where I could go home or even just sit somewhere private until I'm back to real life... but my T only does a few of those later sessions and I'm sure his long-time clients who cannot get there during the day have a hold on those appointment times.

Monte, thank you so much for that description of how you have been handling this work with your T. There is a lot of good information there. I also find it hard (so far) to access anything deep for at least the first 15-20 minutes.... I have done some emotional work with him pretty quickly into the session but those instances were where the issues/trauma were very close to the surface and I was hardly able to contain it. This is part of my fear which needs to be discussed with T... that I will finally get to what I need to and bang... time is up and go back to work while things are still hanging out. I have had this happen more than once and I have fallen apart at work and had to call T or even to make up and excuse to leave work. But I cannot do that often as my job is shaky and I report to 4 people and have to cover phones for ten. It's such a production.

I like the idea of the questions. I also agree that writing could help as well as low lights and knowing what will happen and what to expect during this work. At this point I think T and I need to discuss and negotiate around the process before we actually talk about stuff.

As for touch and sitting close by... I plan to tell T tomorrow that I am struggling with wanting him near and finding that comforting while at the same time being so scared of his nearness. It's like I desperately want it and fear it at the exact same time. I am pretty sure he would hold my hand as he keeps bringing up how I asked (or how child asked) to hold his hand before going into the hospital earlier this month. He had no problem with doing that and seemed entirely comfortable with it. So I think we need to talk about it further.

Thank you all for the information, ideas and responses. I will take these things into discussion with my T. I'll keep you posted and I wish all 3 of you strength and courage to keep on with this very hard work.

TN

tn, i am not doing this work and probably a long way off it, but just some thoughts.

* when I have seen T in the late afternoon, early evening - the dark or time of day has a real impact. At night time I feel safer in talking and getting to the issue quickly. And being able to leave when it is dark or nearly dark - I feel safer and that society or people are not watching me.

* if we do deep or revealing stuff - I am screwed mentally for the rest of the day - I make sure I have no or minimal commitments after - so i think this will be a real issue for you having to go back to work or to function properly.

* sometimes the rest of the day is written off for me and I am still dissociated / not focussed until the next day

* T and I usually sit on the same couch and we don't touch, but when we go out on walks or sit on a bench someplace we are closer. Sitting side my side makes a big difference. It changes the perspective, the intimacy, body language - everything. I think you need to experiment.

* I saw something on youtube once about therapy and it was standard for the T and client to have their feet touching. I have often thought of this. It creates a connection and touch - but you can still be seated a distance apart and it not invade personal space.

* cushions or something to hug. I think this is a good thing. I have never used comfort things to hug, go to sleep with or whatever. I had soft toys but don't ever remember them being a source of comfort. However.... now that T is away I have an office cushion. I wasn't particularly wanting to have a cushion but some people on the forum here recommended it and I thought that if I don't have it and she is gone, I might regret it. So T offered it and I said yes. That cushion has helped me a lot over the past 5 days. I hug it at night - not to be close to T in particular - well maybe it is, I don't know - it is helping me. Maybe when she comes back I think I will continue it and it will help me feel more at ease. Maybe not *that* particular cushion as I think it will be threadbare and hugged to death.

I think it is good that you are planning for it.
Somedays

((TN))

This doesn't go with my personality at all... but it's what has helped the most in processing things: no expectations, no plans... let it happen. That's why it takes long to get there, where things just "are" between you and your T (and it sounds like they "are").

What I've had to do is throw trust at the adventure, this sounds lame. I just talk about anything that comes up and my T (or I) will discover the approach/path.

I really thought that inner-child work or any processing really would involve a lot of dramatics; that I would have to prepare and make sure it was safe, etc. You can ask him for anything and try anything to see what works. It will be trial and error, at least from my experience and wasn't what I expected at all. Not dramatic (I don't even know what I mean by that, like a whirlwind feeling inside)... right now I'm learning to be sad, and a bit empowered. I've already been through shame (still have lots of that ahead) and hahaha anger, cya never...

I couldn't really know what someone I don't know, hate and never listen to wanted or needed. Which is a cute trick your T is pulling on you right now, and I've had it played on me too. Your T quite literally asked little TN what she needed - and you're building a relationship with her by trying to figure it out. Even discussing it with your T later (and here) will be processing, and it's you being concerned about 'her'. Sneaky, eh?

I've had a stuffed animal at my Ts office forever now, it helps because I like to touch soft things with my hands. Plus he makes an easy distraction and a tool sometimes to move us off a subject. I have a REALLY great relationship with my playful inner kid so starting there (coloring, painting, etc) helped and comes natural to me.

As far as my hurt inner child... we just find what works. My stuffed animal works... , I MUST have a blanket (but I'm a Linus, I have a blanket all the time). We are hit or miss... I do get triggered by my T on occasion (something she will ask or say, not intending to trigger me at all) because I'm in a vulnerable spot and we learn a lot there. It's also amazing that I can get triggered, express it, talk about it and move on (no relational issue to work out because the focus is the emotion now, the relationship is fine). Sometimes I have tea and that helps, it depends on the day.

Reporter mode is okay, I used to always start there, and my T would help us trap something to dig in to from there, if she got a sense that was available within me.

I'm used to 50 minute sessions and have gotten used to coming down from intensity. You may want to set up check-ins with your T if you are worried, or extra time. Sometimes if we get really in to stuff, I do need to call my T later just to give her an update or to ground. I'm sort of used to closing up shop quickly (I compartmentalize like a pro). But... I do need to plan so I have little idle time. Too much time to think is bad for me. So T will ask me about plans, help me make plans and just generally try to x-ray vision my emotional state.

Only recently has my T been coming to sit with me or offering comforting touch, I'm not sure why or how that got started but it does help. I used to worry she would regulate me too much (being nearby or touching me) because I am so tactile that I wouldn't be able to "go there" and also be grounded. But over time I've learned how to do the one foot in the trauma, one foot in the now stuff and I can lose it even with my T there. Your T and you will work out what keeps you in 'now' while you go to 'then'.

Okay..... I don't think I helped, but I did type a lot, and that helped me so I could regulate before bed, so thank you for the interesting topic!! Thank your sneaky T for getting you started already

Thanks SD and Cat... hope you are both okay.

TN

Hi TN,

I am nowhere near letting my inner child out willingly but I just found this blog and I thought he had some interesting thoughts on the inner critic. His latest post is on Reparenting your Inner Child but I haven't read it yet.
http://boundariesofthesoul.com/

I keep seeing this in reading material, etc, about being the good parent to my inner child. It's as bad as saying I should find a friend to talk to instead of my precious therapist. Even worse than that it's like advising the M word; you know, having sex with my own self? Really!

I haven't started on inner child work yet, but I do have a little stuffed black cat that I bought in Japan that I've taken several times to hold during session. It has helped a lot. I even take it to work when I need extra comfort.

quote:

Originally posted by True North:
Hi all... as you know I've been grappling with integrating my child part right now in therapy. I felt that T was pushing me too hard and we had a bit of a disruption over it. I got scared and pulled away from him or actually felt that I lost our connection. It was better on Thursday and we talked about taking it more slowly and how to best approach this part of therapy.

I reminded T that he told me that there are no resistant patients, only T's who have not yet figured out a way to approach things so as to accomplish what is needed. He smiled and said I was correct it was his responsibility to figure this out. So he asked what I would need from him. What could he do for me to make this easier or less painful. He knows it will be painful and difficult but would like ease this as much as he can for me.

I'm not sure what I need or how to ask him. Asking for anything is not easy for me and I don't have a lot of practice with it. It almost feels that I first need to solve the issue that asking for something opens me to being hurt and being vulnerable to him or anyone. If I don't need anyone and can handle it all alone (as I have for years) then I feel as if I'm protecting myself from any further harm. Does anyone else feel like this?

He did spend some time with me on Thursday talking about how he feels protective of me and how we have accomplished so much together, even the seemingly impossible things. He told me that there is nothing we cannot face and handle together.

I have been thinking of some of the things that do concern me...

Would you be able to do work like this in 45 minute segments and then immediately return to work to a demanding job requiring interaction with other people? Should I request some longer sessions?

Would it be helpful to have a darkenend office?

Could I ask him to hold my hand again?

Would it help to sit on the floor?

Should I bring some type of comforting item with me to hold onto... a blanket, a stuffed animal, etc.??

Do I tell him everything at once (in my usual reporter mode) and then go back to process it or do we take teeny steps of one fact at a time? What if mini-me won't talk to him or make herself known? What would I need to help this along?

How do we handle me if I fall into more severe dissociative episodes (it has been getting worse lately) or with no defenses I am unable to function in my real life?

Anything anyone can offer from experience would be helpful. What should I think about asking for or putting into place to help me get through this difficult phase?

I know some of you already shared some of your own experiences in my other thread and I thank you all for that info.

Hugs
TN

Dear TN...

I am in the exact spot right now...I do not have time to read all the replies, so I apologize if I will repeat some issues.

It is a hard hard work you are doing, so you need to think hard about all the stuff that can help you to make things easier.

Here are my helpful things:

sitting on the floor. The best thing I ever asked for. My T sits next to me and there is few cm of distance between us.

to hold your hand, fantastic, why did you2 stop doing that?

My dissociation also worsened and the distance was getting bigger, I told my T point out to me sooner when she feels I am distant and dissociative...so she just gives me 2-3 minutes of silence, then she starts to call me back to her. It helps, because I am aware of what I am doing automatically sooner and I can get back to her and issues.
It works most of the time, but sometimes it is still to hard, but I started to think, eventhough it wasn't a great session I can do it next time, just tell yourself that T is there next week or session, try to write down what you thought and then carry on with the other obligations...

Ask your T for reassurance as often as you need. I ask her every time if she is still there, or if she thinks the session went bad, or is it my fault regarding what I feel, etc...and I also told her, that I feel guilty because I always need from her to reassure me, so she knows that I really need her to tell me out loud as often as possible.

I also aksed her to write me few lines with her handwriting, that she is with me...they are general lines, so I can attach her lines to every single issue that bothers me and I would need her really much. Few lines remind me, that she is with me, eventhough I will not see her until next session.

I sometimes tell her all at once and sometimes I go slowly,...It doesn't matter to me anymore...I just decide in the moment, when I am there if I want to report or do it slowly...It depends how I feel.

I have also my ''mantra''...I often tell myself...Just step by step...whatever I am doing...It helps not to have a million things in my head at once.

If you feel that blanket would help you feel safe, bring it with you. Try things that you feel could be helpful. If blanket doesn't work, you can leave it at home next time.

And stop trying to be the perfect client!!! I still have issues with that...But I am trying to get there...because it is exhausting.

This is just my opinion, but whatever you will do will be ok! I promise you that!

I will follow you here and am looking forward to read you more.

Hang in there! It is hard to begin but even harder to stick in the process!

Getting back to the public mode, or work mode, was hard for me. I was so turned in I could hardly drive, much less deal with the public. But it did help to get into some red-faced anger about something or other, while I was driving down the road after session. I think of something to generate real anger a few minutes, and it grounded me, made me switch into protector mode, and fierce reality. The inner child is pushed back to hide behind my skirts, so to speak, and lets me get on with the day until after work when I can let down.