i'm certainly no expert, but have you two been to counseling? there are some excellent communication skills that could be learned that would probably help both of you be more assertive with each other. even if you went alone, it would probably benefit. it could also help you sort out your feelings about the unmet needs you spoke about. and, no, i certainly don't think it's too much to ask to want to be accepted/desired. but those feelings could be coming from somewhere inside of you that you may not even realize are there. this website has alot of info about "right brain/left brain functioning". these things are not easy to work through, but may be well worth your while to check into--as i am learning for myself.

No, we havnt been to counseling. With us being in different states right now its hard to do. But im starting here to get some feel for it all. I dont understand truly why I got on the dating site. I enjoyed the attention and I truly think it was more about the hard times we have when he is feeling like he cant trust me..I truly think that at that time,after we had just had a hard night and he had told me he was leaving..that I wanted something fun with no drama or issues ya know? But, its not really what I wanted...I want him and for us to work thru this. He tries so hard to not hurt me when he feels this way, but i dont want him to hide how he feels either.
Im really just trying to get to the root of why I did that and put us at risk again. I dont want any other man..he is my future and I believe that with all of me. Thank you for responding. I feel were ok, that at least were both open and talking thru things..but he is afraid I will do it again and I cant blame him.

is just chattin cheating?
robin

Hello 'want to do the right things', welcome to the forum. It sounds as if you're getting activated as you feel the closeness (or conflict?) in your relationship. Here's one hypothesis. Moving onto a dating site helps to balance out the scared feelings that arise with closeness and conflict. It's kinda like we do that so we can get extra support as we get closer in the relationship we really want. (conflict tends to bring up the awareness of the depth to which we are attached to someone).

The reason we get scared is because we've been hurt in the past...probably very early past. You might not be aware of the scared feelings by the way. This is where I find body psychotherapy helpful...it helps to slow things down so you can tap into them. (we tend to talk over stuff otherwise unless we've established a good relationship with our therapist).

This dynamic is one of the most common reasons for infidelity. You might find the article on emotional distancing helpful too.

As AJB was saying, counseling is a great idea. In fact, to change an early pattern like that, individual therapy is probably better. Not to say, couples work isn't a good idea too but to underwrite patterns like that I'd get weekly therapy. (couples work often spreads out after a while).

Hope that helps,

Shrinklady

I also wanted to respond to what Robin had asked whether chatting was cheating. It's a very interesting question. You see, I think of going onto the dating site in much the same way as someone who's trying not to drink but grabs a drink when there's been an argument. It's a way to cope temporarily but it doesn't resolve things.

The way to manage in both situations is to have lots of support (i.e. resources). That support might take the form of nice things you do for yourself or friends you call or even calling your (future) therapist.

I don't think of chatting as "cheating" myself. It's not really about trying to get away with something or trying to get back at someone. If it is, there's certainly more direct ways to express anger. My guess, it's not even about your partner. It's the characteristic way you manage high activation when relationship stuff gets triggered.

Now, I can understand that your partner might get hurt by you doing this. He might see it differently. Hopefully, he will stand by as you try to get a handle on it. When couples resolve stuff like this it can really increase the level of intimacy.

Food for thought, eh?

Shrinklady

nice to see you back here Shrinklady ;P
Scott