Freud's Fly - I can relate. I don't really suffer from mania, but T's kindness almost always triggers me into "little" states that get very desperate for him, want to connect, have extreme separation anxiety. In the beginning, I practically begged him to be aloof, rejecting, etc., because it was so hard on me having needs to be close to him when I did not want to have those desires and felt like there was absolutely no way they could be met.

I wish I had an answer for it.

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:
Freud's Fly - I can relate. I don't really suffer from mania, but T's kindness almost always triggers me into "little" states that get very desperate for him, want to connect, have extreme separation anxiety. In the beginning, I practically begged him to be aloof, rejecting, etc., because it was so hard on me having needs to be close to him when I did not want to have those desires and felt like there was absolutely no way they could be met.

I wish I had an answer for it.

yakusoku, Yes thats exactly what its like. Its painful to have those needs awakened. Thanks!

Wow - I totally get this. When my T shows any kind of compassion, I eat it up! I so want her in my life, and when she seems to really like me, and understand me,it just explodes inside me. I feel more "worthy" of her. I know this may seem pathetic,(which is my MO) but I so feel I need her to like me and care about me as a person, and not just an income.
Today I sent her a text, and at times I will state that it's just "apron strings" that I can't seem to cut with her. She made me realize that it isn't always "strings" that I have.
Apron strings are more of "I need you" but actually at times, I just need a "connection" with her. So instead of beating myself up over feeling like I "need" her, it's more like I just need the connection, which she stated was completely healthy. I hope this makes sense.
I'm actually feeling better about the whole thing today, now that I understand it better.
Thanks.
L

For me it is sometimes as though the caring of my P is oxygen and I feel like I am suffocating if I don't feel it. It is therefore extremely important to me, and I get a little intoxicated with it when I have experienced feeling his care in a session. Sometimes I tell him NOT to be so caring as it is undoing my defenses and I want a few defenses up just in case. LOL

I can relate to this thread because I went through this a lot with my old T. It was so painful. It was painfully great when she was all loving toward me and painfully awful when she was not. I felt like I was in love with her and love is intoxicating. The problem was she was not good at helping me to deal with it. Ultimately I got really hurt by it. When she left for another "job" it was like she suddenly changed and that devastated me. 3 yrs later and I am still recovering for it. My new T is not so nurturing but she is very good at helping me. I don't have the same attachments to her as the old T and never will. But I am happy with it as it helps in so many ways. It has forced me to greive my past because I realize that no one is going to rescue me and I have to face that on my own. But I still have new T to support me and help me through it. I like her a lot and she's more skilled than the old T.

(((Jo))) I'm sorry you went through that with your old T. It sounds like it was really confusing. I'm glad that your new T is able to support you and help you now.

Freud,

So sorry that I didn't respond to you as the original poster here. I clicked on the thread and it popped to the last response and I got distracted. I'm very sorry.

In regards to caring hurting, yes I know that feeling. For me, it can feel so foreign that it is almost as unsettling as being hurt. It doesn't fit with my experience and so my body kind of freaks out and doesn't know what to do with it. The flip side to that is if I'm actually able to let it in and truly feel it then I feel like I will never have it again and I'm scared to let it go and then get defensive and try not to let it in for fear of losing it. My T says that it is called a nourishment barrier and it does get better. It's already getting better for me and I hope that it gets better for you too.

I can't comment on the manic part as I don't experience that, but I wonder if it is an endorphin rush of sorts from the positive contact?

Thanks STRM Hugs back to you.

quote:

Originally posted by yakusoku:
Freud's Fly - I can relate. I don't really suffer from mania, but T's kindness almost always triggers me into "little" states that get very desperate for him, want to connect, have extreme separation anxiety. In the beginning, I practically begged him to be aloof, rejecting, etc., because it was so hard on me having needs to be close to him when I did not want to have those desires and felt like there was absolutely no way they could be met.

I wish I had an answer for it.

Gosh, that is so very exactly how I am feeling.
And I can't find anyway to soothe myself, I just feel.... lost.

Anyway, old topic, but those words were just perfect.

wow, About ... this is an old one, but it sure speaks to me right now! maybe on an subconscious level i'm wanting that connection you're talking about. my next appointment is on Thursday, and today T called me this afternoon (we have very little out-of-session contact) to tell me he did some research on some meds we talked about last session. i was surprised, and don't understand why he couldn't just wait to tell me this on Thursday, since there's nothing i can do about it between now and then. well, i've been feeling really sad since his call. i kind of wish that he hadn't called, yet at the same time it's nice to know he's thinking about me outside of our hour. i'm sure this all ties into the fact that i'm going to have to cut way back on therapy, probably nothing for the rest of the year after Thursday. maybe as STRMS mentions, it's my nourishment barrier at work. can't let it in because i know i'm going to lose it soon, anyway. makes me sad.

but yeah, i've most definitely had the "little" states of desperation for T. that was when i was fighting the connection. i still do it, but i'm slowly getting better at accepting the attachment. it's really tough stuff.

yes I think the caring hurts because it awakens longings, desires and wishes from long ago that were buried because they went unfulfilled. So the act of being cared for can trigger enormous amounts of grief over missing out on the most basic of emotional nurturance and care that we all needed as infants and children. As I go further along this journey I am starting to be able to really take in the care and love from my T in a way that remains with me between sessions and carries me through ruptures, misunderstandings and when therapy is a bit chaotic as it has been of late. It is a new and quite frankly scary experience to not be hysterically all over the place but to be more centred and less provoked. I almost don't recognise myself!