when do you call

granite1Member

i have called my T on the phone only 3 times that i can remember in just as many years. i have e-mailed a few more times then that but am basically not allowed . i slip up on that one sometimes .i have e-mailed her 3 times in 2 months.she has been tolerant of this but does not respond to them or bring them up in session. although I'm sure she would talk about them if i brought it up.but i would never because i know it is wrong.

i read here about clients calling T's all the time for support.my T has told me i can call if i need to.she has always responded with a call back the few times i have called. but she is only in the office Mon-wed and doesn't return calls when she is out of office.

i am just curious about when people feel it is OK to call,for what reasons, how do you get over the fear of calling, the feeling needy and all.what are your T thoughts about calling . does T spend the time you need to be helped on the phone.

how about asking for extra sessions??if you get one does your T have higher expectations of that session . how do you get over the fear of asking etc...?do you feel you really need to be in crisis to ask for these things. how do you define crisis for yourself? is it the same as T definition.

i have always felt if i am alive and not bleeding to death i should not call T that it can wait. ill either come here to PC and implode or SI or anything to get me through in order to not be that needy person. my T has no idea of any of this . i go to T and say nothing. but i make it from one session to the next with very minimal bothering of T in between sessions .with the exception of these last two weeks .but even then i sent one e-mail and didn't bother her for a week until she called me.

just wondering what others experiences have been with this and T thoughts on not calling and dealing with things however you can ,if you know

11/2/127:00 AM

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sdMember

Everything so depends on the style, personality of your T, their experience and your relationship with them - oh and what your issues are.

I am allowed - no, highly encouraged by my T to have lots of contact. I am resistant, avoidant and don't like asking for help. But, I am getting much better at it. I still feel stupid for asking. Talking to my T helps.

I have a chaotic life with a lot of external stressors and family issues and have a very stressful few months ahead of me. I can handle so much of it and then I hit a brick wall. I try to a point to deal with i but when I get that feeling of being totally disordered and then SH and thinking of SU - I realise I need my T. I text her yesterday asking for help. She called me and we spoke for 30 minutes. I also had 2 sessions this week, I also emailed a few times, and she checked her emails and replied on 3 days this week. I have also text her everyday - just checkins and to tell her something relevant to me. Oh, and after a very traumatic session she text me without me asking her to. That was worth the most.

When i spoke to her on the phone, I told her I felt like a total idiot for needing her and needing a phone call because as soon as she was on the line, my problems seemed to have vanished.... she reassured me that it was ok, she knew that having the phone contact helped and she was more than happy to do it. She said that I won't need this much contact all the time and this is just a temporary phase.

To get to this point of asking for help - took a very long time - and it is still really difficult. Huge amount of contact between us, huge amounts of fights / ruptures / anger / tears (hers and mine) / emails - everything. We hit a bad rock-bottom phase and I do feel now i can tell her difficult things a bit sooner and when she makes me angry - I dish it back at her rather than letting it eat me.

We talk about US all the time, we talk about our attachment, we talk about therapy, what works, what doesn't - we give each other feedback (altho she never gives me negative feedback), I am always thinking and telling her I broke boundaries and she is always reassuring me that I didn't and we are good. In therapy if she lets me have silence too long - i can tell her (maybe sessions later....or via email) that it went too long and i zoned out and so we will try something different. While I have only told her about 10% of my 'stuff" - the bits I do talk to her about I am really honest and direct.

I would never survive without email contact - my T wants me to use it to process and we then discuss it in session or I would print it and take it to session to discuss. We have an understanding though - if I did everything via email and wanted in depth replies from her and then went to session and didn't communicate - then we would have to change things - while I am doing a lot of worthwhile processing via email and I am still communicating in session and progressing - then we will keep this system going.

I am also using text contact more and more also.

I would love the day when I didn't have anything to say to her via email and would love it so that I never have to text her - but at the moment I feel like I have reluctantly succumbed to her 'charms'. She has been offering all this contact and being consistent for 15 months and I have finally relented I think. And now that I HAVE relented - I can see that I am feeling more stable after speaking to her.

I remember when I started back with her (remember this is my 4th stint with her) my T went on and on about how we are in this together and we are in a relationship and together we will work things out - for as long as it takes. I honestly thought she had cracked and she was the one who needed therapy. I thought she had joined some weird love group or something!!!!! But now I really get it.

It is about your relationship with your T. I am lucky that my T is amazingly flexible and welcomes my feedback and suggestions and tries to improve how she does things. BUT.... i am very honest also and I give her feedback and I know what I don't like. So we are helping each other.
It is so hard to ask for what you need - but you do have to. I do feel that I have part ownership of MY therapy and I have the control because I can choose to participate or not to participate - I can turn up or not etc. If I don't turn up, don't talk, don't own my part of it - then in the end it is harder for me.

Sorry for the ramble.
Somedays

11/2/127:41 AM

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nigeldanielMember

Well I can tell you from here in the green green grass off Ireland contact between me and my T is limited. Very limited. If I need to change an appointment or postpone one I send an text message [sms] and might hear back the next day. If I phone its voice mail. The top T's [psychiatrist] like I see may be five times a year its all done through the recption desk.
just to tidy up what I have said, I see a councillor every two weeks [my T as I call her here] the shrink though is the one who deals with my meds and to be 100% with you all, I do not realy look forword to seeing her at all.

11/2/122:25 PM

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heldincompassionMember

*possile SI, SU triggers*

Hi granite

You know, wondering about this same question is actually what led me to discovering this forum over a year ago. My T had told me a couple times to call if I needed to. "Need to?" I wondered, "What counts as 'needing to'? What does this mean?" So I started googling things like, "calling your therapist," "when to call your therapist," "therapist angry about client calling" (lol), and so on. One or more of those searches led me to discussions here.

Anyway, about how calling works in my therapy. I doubt it is something I would have pursued on my own, but my T encouraged it a lot, especially at the beginning. I believe this may have been because she was concerned about me getting SU or hurting myself and wanted to stay on top of that possibility. I have an anxiety disorder, and sometimes when it gets bad I shut myself in a closet, and am basically all shaky, dissociative, and non-functional. When I was describing this experience to T, she asked what I do when that happens. I said I sometimes waited it out (which usually didn't work), sometimes I would SI to snap me out of it, and sometimes I would call my best friend, who kind of understood and somehow had a knack for talking me out of those states. T told me if I couldn't get in touch with my friend, I could call her during those times.

I wondered very much what T would do or say if I called her in that state, and one day I tried it. I can still remember how very calm and soothing her voice sounded on that call, very grounding. She asked me questions about what had happened to get me in that state. What was I doing when it came on, what was I thinking and feeling, etc. Just forcing myself to talk and answer her questions calmed me down a bit, and I soon felt well enough to get off the phone. She told me to call again if I needed to.

So, since it seemed to take so little of her time, and she didn't seem to mind, and it was so helpful to me, I called her again the next time I was like that, which was about a week later. It happened the same way, she helped me ground by speaking calmly and asking questions. She quickly became my coping mechanism, poor woman, and for a long time I would call every week or two, when my anxiety got me in that non-functional-trapped-in-the-closet state. The calls tended to be brief, usually under five or ten minutes, but I think they were useful to my therapy overall, because T could see what the triggers and conflicts in my life were right as they were happening.

Now my anxiety is more under control and I do not need to call nearly as often. Maybe once a month or so these days. I do email a few times a week though, usually something short just to feel like I'm checking in and experiencing the connection, even if in a very limited and one sided way.

As far as extra sessions go, I've asked for them a few times when I've felt particularly overwhelmed, or when we've been processing something so intense I've known it would be very difficult to make it till the next session. Of course I can only get one if T has an opening, but she's usually been able to fit me in somewhere when I've asked. I tend not to feel like I need to justify the extra session to her, cuz I figure for her she's getting paid for an hour in her work week that would otherwise be empty.

However economic considerations also influence how often I ask for an extra session on my end-- call me cheap, but I only like to spend so much on therapy co-pays a week.

So if I can eek by on one session a week without falling apart, I generally do.

11/2/122:28 PM

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room2growCo-moderator

Hi Granite,

I have very limited contact with T outside of my appointments. I have no electronic contact whatsoever.

T has told me that I can call and leave messages on voicemail whenever I want or need. The goal is for me to try to problem solve myself, but if I get into that place of self destruction, I call. If my anxiety spikes and I can't think or breathe, I call. Sometimes just hearing Ts outgoing message is helpful enough. Other times, I leave a message.

T never calls me back unless I specifically ask for a return call. In all honesty, that's the only way I am comfortable calling, because I know T won't call back unless I ask. A lot of times I've noticed how leaving messages is actually really helpful. It's like I don't have to keep that thought or whatever it is that pushed me to the edge, in my head anymore, and now it's on Ts voicemail. Even though T isn't going to call back, I know it's there, and we'll talk about it at our next appointment.

A "need" to call is when I feel like I'm going to end up making a bad choice or acting out. These times are maybe, at most, once a month, if that. These are times when I do leave a message. (I've never asked for a call back though.) A "want" to call usually just has me missing T, and I'll call and listen to the outgoing message. T and I have talked at length about messages and calls, and are both comfortable with the arrangement. If I start to feel like I'm calling too much, I'll bring it up with T. T has also brought up when my frequency of messages changes (usually I'll leave more messages if things are really bad) and we discuss. All around, it's helpful to me.

11/2/125:12 PM

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kmayMember

Granite -

I think so many of us feel the same fears and anxiety's about contacting T. You are not alone.

I usually feel so worried about being too needy or wasting her time that I would end up not calling even if I really felt I needed to. The times that I would finally call, I would be so anxious and upset that by the time I actually called, it was out of desperation to avoid self harm as the only other option for relief. When I shared this with her, and she realized how I was causing myself more anxiety and harm over battling weather or not to call, she let me know it was ok to text or email as well. Sooo...I text. ALOT. Because that's easier for me for some reason. And she responds no matter what day or time (when she has a chance). I truly feel I wouldn't be able to get through some of my really tough patches without that.

Regarding the extra sessions, I recently asked for that as well. I told her I needed twice a week and she said Ok, then lets get you in twice a week and we worked it out. Granite - try not to worry so much about "T's expectations of the session", weather its an extra session or not. I am sure that her only "expectation" is that she is able to help you. Remember, you are paying her. So essentially, if you didn't "make extra progress" or whatever you are worried her "expectation" might be in your extra session, who is it really hurting? Not her...maybe you...if you were struggling to pay for that session or something. See what I mean?

I also feel quite certain that if your T knew that you were SI'ing rather than calling her, that she would much rather you call. Can you share that with her? (I know how hard it is for you to share in general after reading some of your posts) so I know that would probably not be easy, but maybe you could try? Maybe you could print some of the stuff you write her and read it to her? You really do articulate yourself well and it must be so frustrating for you to not be able to speak the same feelings you write.
Be gentle and patient with yourself.

11/2/129:45 PM

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granite1Member

quote:
Originally posted by kmay:
Granite -

I think so many of us feel the same fears and anxiety's about contacting T. You are not alone.

I usually feel so worried about being too needy or wasting her time that I would end up not calling even if I really felt I needed to. The times that I would finally call, I would be so anxious and upset that by the time I actually called, it was out of desperation to avoid self harm as the only other option for relief. When I shared this with her, and she realized how I was causing myself more anxiety and harm over battling weather or not to call, she let me know it was ok to text or email as well. Sooo...I text. ALOT. Because that's easier for me for some reason. And she responds no matter what day or time (when she has a chance). I truly feel I wouldn't be able to get through some of my really tough patches without that.

Regarding the extra sessions, I recently asked for that as well. I told her I needed twice a week and she said Ok, then lets get you in twice a week and we worked it out. Granite - try not to worry so much about "T's expectations of the session", weather its an extra session or not. I am sure that her only "expectation" is that she is able to help you. Remember, you are paying her. So essentially, if you didn't "make extra progress" or whatever you are worried her "expectation" might be in your extra session, who is it really hurting? Not her...maybe you...if you were struggling to pay for that session or something. See what I mean?

I also feel quite certain that if your T knew that you were SI'ing rather than calling her, that she would much rather you call. Can you share that with her? (I know how hard it is for you to share in general after reading some of your posts) so I know that would probably not be easy, but maybe you could try? Maybe you could print some of the stuff you write her and read it to her? You really do articulate yourself well and it must be so frustrating for you to not be able to speak the same feelings you write.
Be gentle and patient with yourself.

my T started bringing up my SI last session.it was kind of funny because she had asked me what i do to deal with strong emotions and stuff.i didn't answer and she said i know one thing you use to do ,and then she looked at the clock and it was late so she jumped up and said it was late and i just about ran out of her office feeling like i dodged a bullet. she never got to finish her statement.

11/3/125:08 AM

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granite1Member

quote:
Originally posted by SomeDays:
Everything so depends on the style, personality of your T, their experience and your relationship with them - oh and what your issues are.

I am allowed - no, highly encouraged by my T to have lots of contact. I am resistant, avoidant and don't like asking for help. But, I am getting much better at it. I still feel stupid for asking. Talking to my T helps.

I have a chaotic life with a lot of external stressors and family issues and have a very stressful few months ahead of me. I can handle so much of it and then I hit a brick wall. I try to a point to deal with i but when I get that feeling of being totally disordered and then SH and thinking of SU - I realise I need my T. I text her yesterday asking for help. She called me and we spoke for 30 minutes. I also had 2 sessions this week, I also emailed a few times, and she checked her emails and replied on 3 days this week. I have also text her everyday - just checkins and to tell her something relevant to me. Oh, and after a very traumatic session she text me without me asking her to. That was worth the most.

When i spoke to her on the phone, I told her I felt like a total idiot for needing her and needing a phone call because as soon as she was on the line, my problems seemed to have vanished.... she reassured me that it was ok, she knew that having the phone contact helped and she was more than happy to do it. She said that I won't need this much contact all the time and this is just a temporary phase.

To get to this point of asking for help - took a very long time - and it is still really difficult. Huge amount of contact between us, huge amounts of fights / ruptures / anger / tears (hers and mine) / emails - everything. We hit a bad rock-bottom phase and I do feel now i can tell her difficult things a bit sooner and when she makes me angry - I dish it back at her rather than letting it eat me.

We talk about US all the time, we talk about our attachment, we talk about therapy, what works, what doesn't - we give each other feedback (altho she never gives me negative feedback), I am always thinking and telling her I broke boundaries and she is always reassuring me that I didn't and we are good. In therapy if she lets me have silence too long - i can tell her (maybe sessions later....or via email) that it went too long and i zoned out and so we will try something different. While I have only told her about 10% of my 'stuff" - the bits I do talk to her about I am really honest and direct.

I would never survive without email contact - my T wants me to use it to process and we then discuss it in session or I would print it and take it to session to discuss. We have an understanding though - if I did everything via email and wanted in depth replies from her and then went to session and didn't communicate - then we would have to change things - while I am doing a lot of worthwhile processing via email and I am still communicating in session and progressing - then we will keep this system going.

I am also using text contact more and more also.

I would love the day when I didn't have anything to say to her via email and would love it so that I never have to text her - but at the moment I feel like I have reluctantly succumbed to her 'charms'. She has been offering all this contact and being consistent for 15 months and I have finally relented I think. And now that I HAVE relented - I can see that I am feeling more stable after speaking to her.

I remember when I started back with her (remember this is my 4th stint with her) my T went on and on about how we are in this together and we are in a relationship and together we will work things out - for as long as it takes. I honestly thought she had cracked and she was the one who needed therapy. I thought she had joined some weird love group or something!!!!! But now I really get it.

It is about your relationship with your T. I am lucky that my T is amazingly flexible and welcomes my feedback and suggestions and tries to improve how she does things. BUT.... i am very honest also and I give her feedback and I know what I don't like. So we are helping each other.
It is so hard to ask for what you need - but you do have to. I do feel that I have part ownership of MY therapy and I have the control because I can choose to participate or not to participate - I can turn up or not etc. If I don't turn up, don't talk, don't own my part of it - then in the end it is harder for me.

Sorry for the ramble.
Somedays

wow it seems your T is really there for you.she sounds awsome. my T doesnt allow and e-mail or wrirting and sending letters .i can call but wont thats why i'm asking these questions.although i have sliped up and sent 2 this month and she has not yelled at me yet.she hasn't mentioned them at all.

11/3/125:12 AM

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granite1Member

quote:
Originally posted by nigeldaniel:
Well I can tell you from here in the green green grass off Ireland contact between me and my T is limited. Very limited. If I need to change an appointment or postpone one I send an text message [sms] and might hear back the next day. If I phone its voice mail. The top T's [psychiatrist] like I see may be five times a year its all done through the recption desk.
just to tidy up what I have said, I see a councillor every two weeks [my T as I call her here] the shrink though is the one who deals with my meds and to be 100% with you all, I do not realy look forword to seeing her at all.

sounds kind of like my T .it is hard because she is only in her office 3 days a week. unavailable after that. i kind of get scared if i did talk about horrible things i would be out of controle and she wouldnt be there to help me

11/3/125:14 AM

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granite1Member

quote:
Originally posted by Room2Grow:
Hi Granite,

I have very limited contact with T outside of my appointments. I have no electronic contact whatsoever.

T has told me that I can call and leave messages on voicemail whenever I want or need. The goal is for me to try to problem solve myself, but if I get into that place of self destruction, I call. If my anxiety spikes and I can't think or breathe, I call. Sometimes just hearing Ts outgoing message is helpful enough. Other times, I leave a message.

T never calls me back unless I specifically ask for a return call. In all honesty, that's the only way I am comfortable calling, because I know T won't call back unless I ask. A lot of times I've noticed how leaving messages is actually really helpful. It's like I don't have to keep that thought or whatever it is that pushed me to the edge, in my head anymore, and now it's on Ts voicemail. Even though T isn't going to call back, I know it's there, and we'll talk about it at our next appointment.

A "need" to call is when I feel like I'm going to end up making a bad choice or acting out. These times are maybe, at most, once a month, if that. These are times when I do leave a message. (I've never asked for a call back though.) A "want" to call usually just has me missing T, and I'll call and listen to the outgoing message. T and I have talked at length about messages and calls, and are both comfortable with the arrangement. If I start to feel like I'm calling too much, I'll bring it up with T. T has also brought up when my frequency of messages changes (usually I'll leave more messages if things are really bad) and we discuss. All around, it's helpful to me.

that just sounds so hard.if i called my T i think she would definately call me back weather i asked her to or not. the few times i have called she has .and this last time she called to make sure i was going to come to session because i quit and all.
i tend to try and solve things on my own also but i am not always great at it. sounds like you could use a bit more suport from your T. does it work for you to have it be that you solve this stuff on your own???

11/3/125:21 AM

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room2growCo-moderator

quote:
sounds like you could use a bit more suport from your T. does it work for you to have it be that you solve this stuff on your own???

Actually, I feel incredibly supported by my T. More than anyone else in my life, I fully trust and believe in my T, and know that the boundaries set up are in my best interest. Part of my challenge is that I'm really good at anticipating what others need (people pleaser in recovery here) and I wish people could do the same for me. Reality is, that isn't the way the world works. T has admitted that there have been times where T wanted to call me back, but I didn't ask, so T didn't. I need to learn to speak up for what I want and need instead of wishing someone would read my mind. It does sound harsh, but it's for the best. I also know that if I were desperate enough to ask for a call back, T would be calling me back within minutes, and would be on the phone with me as long as I needed.

11/4/1210:33 AM

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kmayMember

quote:
i kind of get scared if i did talk about horrible things i would be out of controle and she wouldnt be there to help me

Granite - This was the very reason that I told T that I needed twice a week. We had started getting into some pretty traumatic stuff and I shared with her that after session, it is so incredibly hard for me b/c I have to just sit with the emotions by myself and sometimes I swear, it feels like it will kill me. We did go to two sessions a week but she also allows contact whenever I need it b/c of what I shared with her. I think you need to tell T how you feel about that - while she may not change her contact rule, maybe she will come up with some other helpful solutions. Like two sessions per week or giving you some other helpful guidance to "get through" until you see her again. I so understand what you are saying though. I really feel like without being able to contact my T outside of session, I would not have been able to start working through some of my really bad stuff. Talk to her. This is your healing, your therapy. See what she says and then decide what is best for you from there. Hang in there...

11/4/128:28 PM

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