I am asking myself the same question, Butterfly, and it is a good one. I'm interested to follow your thread here, although I don't have a lot to offer since out situations are so similar.
I too wonder about healthy/vs. unhealthy attachment to our T's. For me I think it became unhealthy when it made me feel unable to act without his approval, wanting so badly to please him that I couldn't even use therapy to get my needs met anymore. I'm very confused about whether it was not handled well by him, or whether it was my fault for becoming too dependent. And if therapy can even help me if I am like that.

quote:

if it is possible to turn this kind of attachment into something more healthy

I really hope you get some great answers and input on this thread...you are asking a really important question.

Hugs, it is nice to see you,

BB

BB it didn't hit me that our situations may be similar until I just re-read my post. I wanted my T's approval too but I would still do things that I knew she wouldn't necessarily approve of. I guess there probabably isn't a straightforward answer to this.

I hope you are doing ok without your T BB, I'm sorry I haven't kept up with the forums as much as I would like to.

Hugs to you too
Butterfly

Butterfly,

Hi there. I am just wondering which aspects of your attachment your friend felt was unhealthy? I am very attached to my T and sometimes yes, it's very painful. Did your friend think your therapist wasn't handling your attachment properly? Exactly what part of it and who's "fault" was it? If we can assign fault.

Thanks,

liese

Liese, I think my friend feels that I was too dependent and felt too strongly about the relationship with my T. She also wondered what the relationship brought out in my T and felt that she was too involved.

I don't think it is anybody's 'fault', that was just the way my T worked and as much as I tried to not feel as attached I just couldn't help it I guess we never really did work on the attachment in therapy therfore it just got stronger.

I thought that having a break would make me feel less dependent on her and of course it has in the fact I have no contact with her but I don't feel any differently in how much I miss her or want that contact back which I am really annoyed about.

Butterfly

Butterfly,

I think I understand a little more now. I have found it helpful to talk about it with T. It kind of takes the intensity out of the feelings. IF you do go back to her, maybe you could make a point of talking more about it. Just a little worried that she may not go back into private practice and that you are sitting here waiting for that to happen. Have you thought about contacting her to see if she is still planning on returning to private practice at the end of the year?

xoxo

Liese

I would defintely talk about it if I went back but even though we didn't actually talk of it I think she knew how I felt.

quote:

Just a little worried that she may not go back into private practice and that you are sitting here waiting for that to happen. Have you thought about contacting her to see if she is still planning on returning to private practice at the end of the year?

I'm extremely worried about this too. I am too scared to contact her so I guess it's a waiting game

Butterfly

(((((BUTTERFLY)))))

When did she talk about returning?

((((BUTTERFLY))))

Tell me more about what your friend said about your therapist.

I can so relate to this thread.....I am so very attached to my T, and even as I learn and grow,I don't like to imagine my life without her in it.
One day I had sent her a text telling her I was worried about this tranference issue, and she called me immediately. I was crying at the time, worried about her dying "some day" or never seeing her again. She scolded me for thinking of things that have not happened yet, and that I should just be dealing with the here & now, and working on my goals and my own growth.
It is very difficult being so attached, I need to connect with her every day, via text mostly. I too worry about how healthy this is. My T has told me, that she can deal with this, so that as I grow, she can sort of push me out of the nest...away from the attachment.
It still stinks though! I think about her every day, and need to connect, even when there is nothing going on. I feel like a pathetic loser about this, and I cannot see it changing any time soon, nor do I even want it to.
Ok - sorry, this has been too much about me.
Butterfly - I wish you well, and hope that you can resolve this with your former T. I cannot imagine what this might be like not having her in your life right now. Good luck.
Gargyrle

Wish I could come up with something useful or helpful or just plain sharing to say here, but I am so far removed from experiencing attachment that I don't even really understood what it might feel like

But I can see the pain you guys are in and it makes me sad so wanted to drop in and give you a cyber hug of support, Butterfly, Beebs, Liese and Gargyrle

LL

I'm in a weird spot where some parts are desperately attached to T and others want almost nothing to do with him. As others have pointed out, a pretty disorganized attachment. However, yes, I totally understand the dependency. My H has felt that it is unhealthy at times, but comes around now and then. I agree with Liese in that having that stuff in therapy without it entering explicitly into the dialogue is a missed opportunity and can sometimes leave you more desperately stuck in those confusing feelings.

Intellectually, I don't see there being anything wrong with feeling so attached to my therapist, though I sometimes get overwhelming disgust with myself about it. Someone who is steady, safe, welcoming, not rejecting, honest and caring...who wouldn't want to be around a person like that all the time? Obviously, it would be a different dynamic if he were a friend or family member and not a therapist being paid to be attentive and attuned for very focused periods of time. I think I've moved past trying to live up to who I perceive he'd want me to be, so right now it is just learning to believe someone can and will accept me how I am, which is very emotionally and spiritually healing to me, although it is, on occasion, so frightening that I think I want nothing other than to never see or hear from my T again.

Anyway, when I read posts from other peoples' T's on here who I admire from the client's perspective, the best ones (or ones I think, "Hey, I could really work with someone like that!") all seem to consider the attachment a really positive and important part of the therapeutic relationship for many clients. Not everyone has those same needs when it comes to attachment though. Some need space and a good therapist would work with that too.

I guess I'm rambling to say that whatever you need in terms of the therapeutic relationship, Butterfly, is OK...is for a reason. And as long as those needs are being looked at (hopefully, whilst being met), so the underlying dynamic or damage can be worked through, that's all that really matters. Do some of us need in a way that is more akin to a young child and probably not the way to do most relationships as an adult? Of course...that's the nature of the experiences we had a long time ago.

But...I don't think anything will ever get addressed by ignoring it. For me, avoiding a relationship that draws out attachment feelings in me would be exactly how I lived my life from 21 to 29 years old. I allowed NO deep relationships beyond what was absolutely necessary (mostly my H) and kept them all very one-sided, where I would only give and take care of others, never need, never depend, never receive. And even with such a long break, as soon as I "allowed" any hint of attachment, I was stuck back in the same exact pain I had always been in. It is not something that will just go away by not allowing need/dependency. I discovered that first-hand.

Even if you can't see your former therapist (and I'm sorry if you can't), I would recommend finding one that you feel you can connect deeply to AND be honest/direct about your attachment with. Just my two cents. Hope it helps. For the record, I think your friend means well. She probably knows you better than us, so I hesitate to say that she is wrong, out-of-hand, since she can see how your Old T affected you. However, I wonder how much she knows about therapy, attachment, etc. Maybe it's something you guys could read up on together and discuss? If you think she's a wise person, educating yourselves together and then getting her input would be really good.

Thank you for your response Yaku. I really appreciate your thoughts on this. I agree with you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attached and it can be a healthy and healing experience and I admire therapists that can embrace the attachment in order to help the client.

My old T knew how strongly I felt about her as I would tell her in my own way but I guess we never really discussed it anymore than just to acknowledge it. I don’t plan on ignoring the feelings I have as I know they need to be worked on but I am questioning whether I would be able to work on it with my old T as I am missing her so much at the moment I may not be strong enough to address it with her if I were to see her again, however well meaning I am, my ‘want’ to work with her again is starting to take over how right it may be. I did believe that by having such a long break that the feelings would start to fade and would be easier to manage but this doesn't seem to be the case.

My friend does mean well and knows a lot about therapy, she is just looking out for what is best for me as she saw how much the attachment was hurting me.

Thanks for your input Yaku!

I think I may need to delete my posts as writing about this right now is making me feel really sad and miss my T even more if that is actually possible...well it is definitely stirring emotions as I want her support so badly.

Thank you BB, Liese, Gargyrle, LL and Yaku for your support, I hope you won't think badly of me if I do decide to delete and I apologise in advance if I have put anyone out.

Butterfly