AG: Thank you, i´m glad you liked the song... and I really like your quote
Morgs: No its not rude to ask about my illness, it shows interest.
My illness has to do with emotions and feelings. I´m suffering from depression and anxiety and in 2007 I was diagnosed with BPD. Then I had been hospitalised, and spent 6 months at the mental ward, and then 4 months in day program. Gradually I got better.
But lately I´ve gotten worse. Don´t know if it´s because of internal or external things, both I guess. Many things in my everyday life have been collapsing.
Financially I have very low income. I am a preeschoolteacher and here that is low-paid job. I´m trying to cope with the little i have, but sometimes i don´t have enough to buy food for my daughters. I´ts hard to be a single mum.
Last december I realised that I can´t afford my medicine so I stopped taking them.
I have some depts, due to my student loan. I haven´t been able to pay. When I was at the university, my girlfriend at the time was my guarantee person of the loan. So now she is trying to force me to pay and our 5 year old daughter is suffering because of that.
I´m behind on paying rent and on the 22th of march I got a letter that said that I had to move out of the apartment on the 25th. I had an appointment with a social worker the same day and she said there is nothing we can do. I was devastadet, didn´t know what to do. And suddenly I had this huge relief.. that I didn´t have to fight any more... I decided that the only way out was to kill myself.
But to many times i´ve been at the ICU, the physical sequealae have been bad, but the shame and the emotional sequealae have been worse. So I knew this time I had to do it right. I had a pretty good plan.
But then I thought what an emotional scar I would leave my daughters. And last summer the father of my 18 year old threw her out and said he never wanted to talk to her again, if I go she will be an orphan. I went to the acute psychiatryc, talked to a doctor and got some drugs.
I was such a bad mother when I was ill from 2007-2009. Couldn´t really think about my girls, they had to take care of themselfs . When I wasn´t in hospital, i slept all day long, i tried to make some quality time with them, but i had very little energy and sometimes i was to numb from drugs. Once my older one, came home unexpectedly and saw me dead in my bed after an overdose.
Last 2 years I have been trying to gain their trust again and re-built our relationship. I am afraid what will happen now that I´m becoming ill again.
I think things at work have also had influence on my life right now. These things are huge, and they have had bad effect on all preschools in my city. I can see that everyone Is feeling bad about this. Because of the financial crisis in my country the City Council is trying to reduce costs in the preschools. They want to do that by fireing 50% of the Principals. One of them is the Principal at my school. Everyone at work is devastated because of that. We think this is really unfair because she has always worked hard to run the school. It´s also emotional thing, we love her, and she loves us, I don´t really have a family, but the athmosphere at this school has been the closest thing to a family i have known. And through my sick-period they all really stood by me. I think if the Principal will be hired at another preschool many of my co-workers will leave with her. That will be terrible for my school. We are all feeling really bad about this, and there is sorrow in the staff.
I still hope that the city-council will re-think their decision. I´ve been fighting for that in their meetings, written letter to all of them, and written about the bad consequennces this will have on the children in the newspaper. ... or I did that before.. now I´ve collapsed... and haven´t been able to go to work for the last three weeks.
When I´m not ill the preschool is my life. It´s not just a job, I love working with the young children, and I am really sad that the Council does not respect all the important work done in the preschools of this city. 98% of children aged 3-6 attend preschools here, and most of the children spend 8 hours a day in their school.
Then there is also this transference thing with my T. Uff... I hate it, I hate to love her.
It seems like everything is falling apart in my life... I try to hang in there
I found a way to pay my rent-depts, so i don´t have to move. At least not for now, thats good. I don´t have any place to go.
I hope things will brighten up soon... I try my best to comfort myself, try to read self-help books but the concentration is little, I also try reading your posts, I listen to soothing music and go outside for walks, try to remember to eat something, even though i never feel hungry my stomach is so full of anxiety. I try to be there for my girls, try not to zoom out when they are at home. To day I will see my dear T and on Wednesday I will meet my ex´s lawyer. Maybe that will loosen up the terrible communication we are in, it has been really hurtful, and my 5 year old has to watch that everytime she brings her to me.
Thank you again for beeing there it helps a lot, Moomin
