When is it Going Too Far?

blackteaMember

So, as some of you may remember, I wrote before about Richard, my ex toward whom I experience intense transference. One time, when I was seeing him, I casually asked him what his sign is because, you know, I just like knowing people's signs. He said he's not sure, and then I asked him, "What's your birthday?" and he was like, "That I'm not telling you."

I was somewhat annoyed because if he just told me his birthday or his sign, it's not like I would figure out everything there is to know about him.

Then one day after I stopped seeing Richard, I was Google-stalking him, I came across a site where you could get reports on people for money. I paid $3.00 and within seconds I knew that Richard was a Taurus born in the Year of the Dog.

Five seconds later, however, I felt like such an awful person for violating his privacy and felt that if he ever were to find out what I did, he would despise me forever.

I told my sister what I did and she was disgusted, and told me I was stupid.

That really upset me, and later we talked about it and she said that she just can't understand why anyone would be so attached to their therapist. She also said that what I did was stalkerish because I paid money to find out his personal information. I was like, "But he doesn't know about this, so what does it matter?" and she was like, "So what if he doesn't know? Why don't you pay a private detective to follow him around? Or sit up in a tree with binoculars and spy on him?"

She's also a patient of his, btw, but only sees him once in a blue moon when she has some issue to discuss. And even though we've grown up together and have pretty much the same lifestyle, she's totally indifferent to Richard, while I love him as an uncle. Weird, isn't it?

I talked to my current therapist, Beatrice, about this and she said that what I did wasn't an awful thing because I only wanted to know his birthday, nothing more. I had no intention of finding out his Social Security number, marriage certificates, divorce certificates, criminal record, etc. Has anyone here had similar experiences?

1/22/131:05 PM

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heldincompassionMember

Hey Black Tea,

Sisters can be nasty. Brothers too, for that matter. I can only imagine what my siblings would have to say if they knew about my attachment to T, but I'd guess it would be quite on par with your sister's reactions. Maybe it's because of the group identity that can emerge in families; members are quicker to project shame on each other.

That said, I am sorry you've heard such hurtful comments about this.

What you did seems understandable to me and not like a very big deal. Probably you feel worse about it because he already told you no about answering that question. I'm sure I'd be struggling with that too, but there was no malice in your actions and no harm. Hope you feel better about things soon.

1/22/135:20 PM

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greeneyesMember

Hi BT my bro wouldn't care about my attachment to my T or understand it. He'd be totally indifferent or sadistic. Hence we don't speak at all.

While I don't think there was a malicious intention on your part, I wonder whether paying for the report suggests there are difficulties surrounding the (painful and depriving) therapy boundaries. Given your strong transference to R it seems that accessing the report might be an attempt to get closer to him and to push the relationship into a more personal and less therapeutic space so you can get the love you've always wanted from a significant other. But the problem is (as you said) you feel awful and guilty and end up blaming yourself which makes you feel crap inside. Something I've learned in my therapy is that if you focus on what a T can't give you miss what they can give. And it's not enough to make up for past deprivation but its enough to heal so you can have a more fulfilling and happier life.

1/22/136:50 PM

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blackteaMember

Thanks for the support, guys.

My sister definitely wasn't being malicious, she was just genuinely baffled at the idea of getting so attached to a therapist. Patients like that are featured in comedies like "What About Bob?" and "Analyze This", and before I became attached, I also considered it something freakish and weird. My previous therapists were all nice, but I never cared about them half as much as I care about Richard.

Also, I read before that transference occurs when a person is using the therapist as a way to get the love he or she lacked. But in my case, my parents have always loved and supported me. My dad and I sometimes fight and I think he doesn't love me or loves my siblings more than me, but for the most part, we're good. He's never been abusive or anything, just makes hurtful and mean comments sometimes. A few years ago, my uncle, whom I loved very much, committed suicide.

Even though him and Richard were very different, one thing that is similar is the role they played in my life: the fun, non-judgmental role model, as opposed to my parents and grandparents, who are more like authority figures than friends. My sister says that my theory of the transference arising from Richard being a stand-in for my uncle doesn't make sense because there's no biological need for an uncle, like there is for a mother or father. So I don't know, really.

1/23/139:10 PM

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lieseMember

((((BLACK TEA))))

Lots of us here have googled our T's and done similar types of things. It's such a hard relationship to have when there is such a power imbalance: they know so much more about us than we will ever know about them. That can be hard to cope with. His response when you asked didn't exactly help either. I think your curiosity was natural.

My T told me that transference is stronger when there are more unmet emotional needs. It could be that you haven't been getting your emotional needs met for a long time but the effects are cumulative and so it took a while for you to get to this point. Also, periods of stress could interfere with your ability to function and handle life more independently.

I have seen other T's too and never developed the feelings I have for my T before either. Actually, the woman I saw right before him and then him but life had gotten extraordinarily stressful and I was pretty depleted.

I'm sorry about your uncle.

The hurtful and mean comments made by your Dad aren't insignificant. He just might be meaner to you possibly because of his own insecurities.

Good luck with your decision. If you do go back to him, keep Beatrice in the wings just in case. It sounds like Richard's boundaries hurt you in a way that he is not aware of or sensitive enough to. Those boundaries can have really sharp edges.

1/24/136:05 AM

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lieseMember

Black Tea,

Just one more thought. Sometimes it seems the transference gets stronger and really out of control when the therapist isn't necessarily that sensitive. That happened with me and with other members here. Somehow this fosters the "love" feelings on our part - maybe because this is what we are used to. In your case, it doesn't sound like your Dad is very sensitive to you either and that gets confused with being loved - hence your pull towards Richard over Beatrice?

1/24/136:08 AM

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