I am sorry I have not been available to support people around here. I can barely read threads right now or I get pretty triggered. I feel like crap for posting when I've got nothing to offer, but I know others will say that's OK, it's not a pay to play sort of scenario.
So, having lost my few remaining hours and finding myself unable to perform some essential duties and to stay out of crisis long enough to apply for jobs, much less hold one down, my H asked me to at least try to apply for disability. I didn't want to do it, because I don't feel deserving of help and also, I'm terrified of how we'll react to the invalidation of being told we don't need help. When the mortgage company did that last year, I felt like they were calling me lying and manipulative and went very sensitive issues type stuff over it.
So, as part of the process, I am looking over my medical file to see dates I saw the psychiatrist. I felt so invalidated by her when I saw her, but I assumed it was just my negative transference toward all females in authority. She had said something like she's never met a mom who was actually seriously suicidal, like no mom would ever really feel or do such a thing. So, I felt like I lost the right to feel that way. She said I had high executive function and did a good job using my resources and I felt like I must not need meds then. I explained in detail how bad it got and tried to share about my dissociative symptoms and how they factored in. I explained in detail about my history of experiencing this stuf. Today, I saw her post-session notes for our three meetings. "Major depressive disorder, single episode, mild." I realize she have more actual notes, but that it could be "mild" after all the stuff I shared with her was like she was in complete disbelief, just because I had to numb out and dissociate into robotic analysis while I talked to her. She supposedly had worked with dissociation a lot. Now I'm feeling like I lied, exaggerated, manipulated, but I know I have not. I've almost been in the hospital at least twice in the past few months.
I thought I just had bad transference toward her, but now it seems she just really didn't believe what I told her. I thought her dismissing some of my descriptions of what I experienced meant she just didn't understand what I was trying to explain, but she probably thought it was bullshit.
Add to that my GP put something in my file when I warned her my pap might be a difficult experience. She said she put in child abuse NOS and described what I told her, but the automated chart translated it into a continuing condition of "Perpetrator of child or adult abuse from unspecified person." The statement itself didn't make sense, but to label me a perpetrator freaked me out enough that I had to send her a message to clarify right away and she explained what she had actually put in the chart and was baffled by how the system labeled it.
Ugh, sorry. I just needed to get all this out. I feel like obviously there is nothing wrong with me, just mild depression, so why am I wasting T's time with three sessions a week and texts and all that? I know that's stupid, because T has seen me for months and this P only saw me for an hour and fifteen minutes total split over three sessions. Still, it feels like if somebody says they think I'm not really hurt, then I'm not allowed to be, not allowed to need help. 
