((((kashley))))

I can relate. Generally in being afraid to tell my T something I am struggling with, and specifically telling of a struggle with an eating disorder. I was terrified to tell my T. I couldn't even say to myself I had an eating disorder! I did know I wasn't eating ok, and it was affecting me every day, and hiding it was affecting everything. I knew I was doing I to try to cope... I knew it wasn't healthy or good for my body. but I figured it did help me emotionally... I later would realize that it was actually making my emotions much worse and harder to deal with, leading to more times of being numbed out and then more times of being flooded. I know this might seem logical to some people but in the middle of it, it did seem that way to me. It took time for me to learn that... like really learn it enough to make any difference. It took time to deal with the reasons for the eating disorder.

In order to be able to tell my T, I thought I just needed enough reassurance to be able to not be afraid of telling her. I did ask different questions. Like "what if I am more messed up than she thinks?" She said, "Then you are more messed up than I think. And it's ok." At the time, I was a little stunned and confused by that response.

I did finally tell her, and I'm glad I did. I was so scared she would reject me, think I am a freak, think I am horrible, wonder how could I do this... That's just what I thought. In the end, for me, I finally told her because I was more afraid about feeling fake and a liar and it totally affecting me being able to really receive her help or kindness. I figured she could not and would not be so kind "if she only knew..."

My T explained to me, a lot of people in all kinds of relationships fear that "if people knew XYZ..." they would be rejected. Fearing your T knowing the truth? I'm guessing it's not just you and me that have battled that.

When I told her, it was a relief. Not just to be honest, but to find out that really, she still meant everything kind she said about me... She still cared, I wasn't a freak. I wasn't a fake - I was just struggling and scared.

She didn't know how to help exactly, not all T's do. She certainly encountered it before though. Many do, some don't. Just like some T's do well with other kinds of problems. But she did help me find someone who did.

I consulted with them for a few sessions, understood about eating disorders in general, and then my primary T and I kept working on it together. I even went to a support group for a couple of weeks. I didn't stay in long, for a variety of reasons (mostly the distance), but the one thing I will never forget is realizing every time I went, how much I wasn't alone. I listened to others say the same things I had been thinking and thought no one else did, or I was a freak for thinking.

This has been my journey. I don't struggle with it so much anymore. Every now and then, it comes up, I tell my T and figure out how to get back on track.

You in college right?

I used to work at my university as a public health intern. I worked with staff people who helped people with eating disrders. Lots of students, lots of women struggle with eating diosorders of many kinds. (Now that I think about it, I knew that, I knew all kind of proffesionals who helped people with eating disorders, and yeah, I was still scared to tell my own T. huh...)

It was worth telling her, even when I was scared to.

So I guess that's why I say, I hope you do tell your T even if you are afraid to. I don't think you should feel ashamed of struggling to tell her or like you are totally fake by not telling her - and you are deserving of her help regardless if you tell her. Period.

You are really brave to face your fears by posting here even. It's a way to deal with the fear, instead of hiding from it - that alone is pretty cool and pretty amazing. Any way that we deal with our fears instead of just hiding from them is generally a pretty good thing.

I hope you keep taking more steps towards telling her, if only because I hope it would bring relief for you to from feeling like you have to hide... and I hope it will also bring you healing... not just of the eating disorder, but help you to be able to receive her help.

I have to honest, I'm stll afraid of telling t's things I am struggling with. A lot less than I was, but I still get afraid. Just this last week, I've been feeling mad about something, it seems small, and I've been afraid to tell my other t, my equine t. I told her just that I was afraid to tell her something, afraid of her knowing something about me, and frustrated I was afraid... and tired of hiding it.

She said the main goal of therapy, especially with her, was to allow myself to let as much of me as I could to "show up."

When she said that, I started to fight back tears, because I felt like I wasn't doing that well at all.

Before I could say anything, my equine t said, "and you have been doing just that. More and more you let more of you show up. It takes time. It's a process, that process alone is vey important." As my T and I talked, at first, when I was fighting to tell her even hat there was something I was afraid she would know... the horses were antsy. I was so conflicted and it's like they were picking up on that. The directions I was giving the horses were falling flat. But as I let my T reassure me, it's ok to be where I'm at in the process, even holding back stuff, I must have relaxed or something, because instead of being antsy and riled up and confused about what I was trying to tell them to do, the horses got very calm and close and acted protective of me, and I was able to easily tell them which way to go in the way that they could understand. Even just admitting that, I became a lot more consistent with myself.

I don't know if you can or can not get to the point of not being able to not cringe thinking of your T knowing WITHOUT telling her... I do think sometimes we should say things even if were are terrified to do so.

I think the biggest thing that stands out for me to think you should is that you are sturggling daily, AND her not knowing, and yourfear and shame about it is making it hard for you to receive her help without her knowing.

Even just being real that you want to tell your T something but are scared to say it, maybe that could be another step you could take towards telling your t? maybe it would help make it a little less scary?

I dunno. If my words are totally off base, Please ignore anything and everything I have written.

My heart goes out to you - hang in there.

many hugs,
~ jane

Hi Kashley

When I have something heavy or major to tell my T, I usually do it in one of 2 ways.

1. I throw it out there casually with a nonchalant tone of voice and quickly move on to other subjects.

or

2. I take ALL session long whispering and mumbling and hoping she will at some point just read my mind. I fall into extreme embarrassment and have a hard time getting it out and finally say it at the very end of the session so I can run out of there.

When I told my T about my ED, I did method 1. I said it almost so casually it was scary. I think my exact words were "So I wanted to go out to dinner with my friend, but you know I'm a binge eater, so I just stayed at home. My friend is so high maintenance though. Whenever we talk on the phone she blah blah blah...."

So I just kept talking as if it was nothing significant and I think she allowed me that since she knows I have a hard time voicing things.

That was months ago. Now, I've brought it up a few times after that, just as casually, and strangely, and today we actually talked about it a teeny bit and it was ok cause I knew she knew about it already.

Also, I didn't really give her time to react to it because I redirected it to talking about my friend. Not the best method maybe, but I feel it worked for me and at least opened the door.

I hope you find a method the works for you whenever you feel ready.

Thank you all so much for your responses. I'm really exhausted right now, and my head is a little foggy, so I'm going to wait until tomorrow to respond. I just wanted to let you all know that I've read what you've written and appreciate it so, so much.

Hi Kashley,

quote:

...is there ever a time to force yourself to say something to your T that would make you cringe knowing they know? That's the thing I keep waiting for as an indicator to tell me if I'm ready, if I can imagine her knowing and not cringe and feel overwhelming shame. I'm just wondering if that will ever come.

You know about my attachment issues. Well my attachment to my T is MY demon. And honestly, if I had waited around for the day when I felt like I was 'ready' to tell her about it, like I wouldn't die from the shame it brought me to own up to that with her, I think I'd be waiting forever. And I'd be getting nowhere FAST!! It's hard, and it's super scary to be sure, but putting it out there is the best thing you can do for yourself. I'm sure your T will be accepting and empathetic, and hopefully (and more than likely) will be able to help you get some help with your eating disorder. One thing my T told me that helped me get past the fear of telling her stuff was that it's the 'secret' that feeds the fear and the spinning about the secret. Once the secret is out, the fear can subside and things can calm down. It's so true, too. I found in my T acceptance, empathy and caring, and I'm sure you will find the same. Good luck!!!

Hugs, (((((K)))))!
MTF

Hi again everyone. Forgive me if any of my responses sound kind of distant or whatever. I feel like I'm in a very numb place right now. Honestly, it's time like these that I question who the person is that even posted this to begin with.

JD,

What you wrote is really helpful. I feel all of the same fears that you did.

quote:

I did finally tell her, and I'm glad I did. I was so scared she would reject me, think I am a freak, think I am horrible, wonder how could I do this... That's just what I thought. In the end, for me, I finally told her because I was more afraid about feeling fake and a liar and it totally affecting me being able to really receive her help or kindness.

I'm not sure if I'm to the place where my fears that revolve around her not knowing are worse than the ones that revolve around her knowing. Just like you explained and your T explained, it seems like this perpetual cycle, and I pretty much know that if I were to tell her about this one thing, I would think, oh, that was nothing, she'll never accept me after this other problem. What's so annoyingly frustrating about it is that I know, logically (from a place in my mind very disconnected from emotions), that she will be accepting, but it doesn't matter.

quote:

She didn't know how to help exactly, not all T's do. She certainly encountered it before though. Many do, some don't. Just like some T's do well with other kinds of problems. But she did help me find someone who did.

I'm really afraid of this. I know what my T specializes in, and eating disorders isn't one of them, but I know she's probably dealt with them at some point. I'll never find out if I never broach the subject, but I'm so scared that she'll point me in the direction of someone else if she can't help me. And if she does something similar to what your T did…it feels like it's too many people helping me, which seems a little ridiculous.

I am in college…a junior psychology major to boot. I'm surrounded by this stuff, by the side that wants to understand and help others that are struggling with this sort of thing, but I somehow think that the compassion I see all the time doesn't apply to me. When I went to the counseling center on campus, they had all the students fill out questionnaires at the beginning, end, and sometimes the middle of treatment. It had questions on there that asked about food, but I always lied. That would have been an easy way for me to get help for it, and probably be able to participate in a group about it, but I still lied about it and kept it to myself.

I love reading about your interactions with the horses, JD. It sounds like they are helping you in such a unique way. Just thinking about horses and how it feels to be with them is the one thing that gets me in touch with my emotions, at this point at least. In my last session, I cried for the first time, and it was only when I was talking about how it felt to be around my horse.


BG,

Thank you for telling me about your experience. I guess I'm mostly afraid of having to talk a lot about it, because I really, really, really don't want to. But, regardless, I still think my T should know.


Deepfried,

quote:

Your ED loves to be a secret. That what it thrives on. It's like a virus, it needs a host to exist and will do whatever it can to keep that host! The ED will help you lie, deceive, isolate, hide to hide the disorder and feel shame, fear, anger, self-hatred, lack of self empathy/regard to prevent you from telling on it.

It feels like it's such a buried secret that it's a part of me that can't be changed. I know it can be, though. I think I thought that maybe it would just go away on its own, that if I just got involved in enough stuff I would stop thinking so much about it and would go back to 'normal'. I'm glad you're receiving so much help from your treatment, DF. (Oh, and thank you for the link..I will be sure to check it out)

Forlorn,

It sounds like your T really has respect and good knowledge as to how you 'operate' and took that into consideration when you told her about your ED. I think I actually find it worse thinking that my T knows something but we haven't talked about it. In one of my first sessions with her, I was all out of sorts and hastily mentioned something about my weight. I was really nervous, and she could tell, and she told me that I didn't have to tell her anything I didn't want to or wasn't ready to tell her. So I think she knows something, but I'm not sure she knows that it's as bad as an ED that's stuck around for several years. I have deftly avoided taking any conversation in a direction that has to do with food, because I think that she'll find something out before I want to tell her.

I'm glad your T gave you the time to become more comfortable with her knowing before you started talking about it. I don't know what my T would do.

MTF,

Yes, I've been following along on your posts, and I'm so glad things are going well with your T now. I feel a bit like you did, about how feeling 'ready' will never come. A part of me knows that I will never be fully ready to tell her this kind of thing.

Thank you all for your responses. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to tell my T anything.