I have a problem. I like my new T. She is gentle. She cares and she is smart. However, she triggers me. Here is the situation. She is volunteering her time through our Church but she has a full time job in addition to this. Plus a family and just life, like the rest of us. She is REALLY busy. And I get that. However it is causing a problem for me. She has to cancel or change appointments quite a bit. She will text me and say she forgot she had a meeting or whatever. Even if she changes the time and we keep same day apt it is very triggering to me. It makes me feel like I am not important. It makes me feel small and insificant. And it is also very inconvenient b/c then I have to try to change childcare around too.
She texts with me outside of session which I feel blessed to have. But sometimes she won't answer a text for over 24 hours. Or she'll say she wrote out a response and thought she sent it, but didn't. Then sometimes, she is on the ball and we have a whole conversation for 30 mins. The inconsistency is very very triggering to me. It brings feelings of abandonment up. Feelings of being disregarded or unworthy.
I know this is something that needs to be talked about like everything else, but here is my problem. She is only volunteering her time. I am not paying her for this therapy. She is going above and beyond in my eyes to even have outside contact with me. So how can I possibly talk to her about being more consistent and not changing times? Do you see what I mean?
Just one thing to share for example. Yesterday I was in a bad place. I called her but she didn't answer. I usually leave a message but didn't this time b/c I was bawling so bad she wouldn't have been able to understand me. She usually texts or calls back if she has a missed call from me. (Well I have only called two other times and she text me after). She never responded. That was last night 8:30pm. I was also supposed to see her today at 4:30 but was supposed to confirm with her if I got childcare. I am actually sitting here at the 9th hour lol waiting to see if I can get a babysitter so I haven't text her yet. But I have also heard nothing from her? Is that weird? That she wouldn't text to see if I am still coming? Or if I am ok after my missed call? Sounds like a game, I know. I am probably testing her somewhere in the back of my mind. I'm sure she forgot about me
Anyways, any advice? Should I be searching for a new T? The benefits feel like they do outweight the negatives, but the negatives cause such bad triggers, they can send me into a horrible place for days.
I appreciate any feedback. Thanks friends,
lol