Affinity,
I've never thought of it that way (my T is not big on the whole inner kid thing, he's very big on the integration thing, even semantically) but I have definitely experienced deep moments of connection.

Let me ask you this, do you understand what was unsettling about it? Is it scary because you need to see your T as a capable adult at all times so that you feel safe? or was it disturbing because you felt like it moved you closer to him and that feels scary?

I would bring it up to your T, anytime I have noticed that kind of thing come up and talked about it, it's usually turned out to be both productive and important. And feeling unsettled, if not addressed, has a way of fogging up therapy.

AG

I've not seen this myself in a T (but there are limits to what you can tell staring at their shoes, or out of the window!). I have got a close friend though, that I meet up with every so often and we talk about stuff at depth (on purpose to support each other). I've seen her inner kid - it's so obvious that it takes your breath away. Pretty sure she's seen mine. It elicits feelings of care in me actually - but then she isn't my T, so that isn't a problem.

Sapphire-blue

I think everyone has an inner kid that comes out - when we 'play' or laugh at the small things. I think at a certain point it's a term for just being less adult and serious... A more "innocent" human level. I've met my Ts inner kid when she'll say something off or pronounce something she'll say something to the effect of it's an inner kid type thing.

There are some models of relation that use coming from a child place (or parent, or self place) and speaking to those parts of others. I forget the name of the relation model.

I do understand being freaked out - I know anything other than a very serious adult (authority, confident, never soft and sensitive) for me for a long time would have triggered anger or proof my T was completely incapable.

Hopefully you can talk to your T more about this. Their humanness can be awkward.

Hi Affinity,

I've seen T in a few unguarded moments, but I didn't think of them as particularly child-like. Your story strikes me as very sweet

AG makes some really good points, and I totally get how that would be unsettling, at the same time. I think I would be thinking, "Do I have to take care of YOU now?"... which definitely fits my table of contents

As far as whether you should mention it... definitely... when you are ready, I think this is certainly good grist for the mill.

quote:

I think this is certainly good grist for the mill

Damn, I just love these awesome idioms. You win the boards today, effed.

I thought about it, and I think the unsettling part is the drawing closer bit. I guess there is still a part of me that's afraid that this growing intimacy will lead to abuse in some way. Experience has taught me that anytime I become this warmly connected to a man, sex follows.

Seeing my T's inner kid doesn't compel me to want to take care of him. It is clear that my T does a lot to nurture himself in his off time, and his inner kid always comes across as calm and very well centered. It's my kid that's messed up and needs care. Whenever I see his inner kid, I feel like he's reaching out for me to hold me (emotionally) and reassure me. It's really quite lovely.

Affinty, What a cute intro...I think this is interesting and meaningful and you should defintley speak about it with him. I am big on the inner child. T never brought that angle up until I did. He knows the kid in me is a powerful driving force at times. He says we all have that kid in us. When I see T show himself, I feel scared sometimes. It feels like he wants me to know him better and move closer to him, and then I freak out. Like he "wants" something from me...in a sexual way (petrified of my father). I only knew men to chew women up and spit them out. He's never done that and never would. It is so wierd I am all alone in a room with a MAN, with the door closed. Scared the crap out of me for a very long time. I always find when I feel really uncomfortable about a subject and get the courage to speak about it, it loses it's power and we both really understand things better and it brings us even closer; which I am constantly trying to fight off for my "protection". Sorry for droning on.

Hi Affinity,

My T doesn't talk much about inner kid stuff, but he talks about childlike qualities that are in all of us. His big one is about being vulnerable. He has shown his vulnerability a few times. We've had several sessions where both had the giggles and couldn't stop laughing for several minutes. He would have to turn his chair away or I would have to look at the floor to stop.

I'm glad to see my T being vulnerable and less stoic. It can be unsettling because it puts a big magnifying glass on our closeness, which can be scary sometimes. I have never brought it up, but my T has started addressing it when it happens. Sometimes I think I make a face when he's been vulnerable because he smiles and says, "I'm human, too."

I think warm connections feel inherently dangerous for some of us and that could be why it feels so unsettling. I would bring it up when you feel comfortable just to talk through it. She might be able to offer some good insight.


PF