(((Kashley)))

I'm sorry I don't have a lot of time because I really need to get to bed, but I think what you're experiencing is that you are in a HUGE amount of pain and you are reaching for anything, anything at all, that might help relieve you of that pain. I know how crazy making it can feel when you do not understand why you would be doing all this, but I've done all those things and felt the same way.

For me, there was such a prohibition to speak about what happened in my home (my father threatened my life and my mother's life) that I couldn't let myself know what happened let alone speak of it. So many secrets. I remember screaming once at my first T "it's my life and I'm going to talk about it."

You are not doing anything wrong to speak about what you're doing or how you're feeling.

It's understandable you're scared, this is scary. May I make a suggestion? Email your post to your T ahead of time. Or print it out and when you get into session, tell her that there are things you want to talk about it, but you are really scared of her reaction to hearing them. Letting my T reassure me BEFORE I actually said what I was scared to say could really help sometimes.

And you don't have to figure this out by yourself. Often, we have been doing it alone for so long that we feel like we have to walk in and calmly have it all figured out. Human beings cannot know themselves outside of relationship, ESPECIALLY when you're trying to understand your unconscious. Just think of that word. By definition, you're not CONSCIOUS of it. I vividly remember the first time I sat down and was struggling like you would not believe to get some words out, but I couldn't come up with anything that made sense. My T very gently said to me, you don't have to figure it out by yourself.

Just go in and express whatever you can. My T often told me that feelings are often irrational, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be heard. It's not your job to make sense, it's just your job to be honest. It's your Ts job to help you make sense out of what you're feeling. And if the truth is that you can't figure out what you're feeling, that's a really important thing to look at. It was for me.

I'm sorry Kashley, I know that hearing these things don't really make it easier to do. But it will get better. Please just know that you're not doing anything wrong and you're doing a lot right.

AG

Thank you both for such kind responses. I want to spend the time and reply to you both, but I honestly can't right now. I just got back from my session, and I'm still shaking. Somehow, I told my T everything. All of it, and I can't believe it. My T was wonderful, of course. I will be back to write more when I can.

Congratulations, Kashley. You did a very brave thing, hugely brave. Very good, and you deserve a lot of support and encouragement right now, because it's not a small thing, but really difficult. I haven't revealed all my coping mechanisms to my T yet. He knows about my drinking.

If you are left with a lot of yucky feelings in the aftermath, we are here- if you need us.

Love, BB

Hi Kashley
That is so wonderful that you were able to tell your T everything - can understand why you're still shaking It should feel like a huge relief once you've settled (do try not to beat yourself up for opening up) and now that your T has more knowledge of what's happening some real healing work can begin! So happy for you

How very brave Kashley!! I am so glad your T reacted so well. Don't worry about responding, just take good care of yourself!

AG

Kashely- when i read your first poster, i though- oh- i hope she will be able to express some of this to her T...despite that it seemed impossible for you.. i am therefore very glad to read in your second post, that you managed! Thats great! And that your T (of course) was wonderful about it, too.. LIke Deepfried- i also relate big time to this right now..i have just told T about a sh-episode, and also managed to appear a bit drunk in previous session.. (not intended) Both two things, i NEVER use to do. Anyway; i know how important T`s reaction to telling about this (shamful and scary) things are, so i am very pleased to hear you managed to talk about all of it. Hope this conversation will lead into fruitful and helpful ways for you, adn that you will be able to continue talking to your T about this, if its still a need. Keep up the good work! Sending you lots of support! Let us know how it goes, if you want to share!

Wow, thank you all for such an overwhelmingly supportive response. I'm still in a little bit of shock from this afternoon, but I feel like I need to get some of it written out to try and sort through it all. So here goes. This is going be really long...and I'm a little nervous about putting up so many details about my session (I'm a little paranoid), but I'll try. Endless thanks in advance to anyone who reads all of this..

I was kind of numb today (although that could have been the 13 degree wind chill), and I was under the impression that we would have to meet in another room today. I wasn't expecting to be able to have much of a connection. Luckily, we got to meet in T's office, which was a relief. I had trouble starting out, because I had no clue where to start. Honestly, I don't even remember exactly how the session started out, but it eventually got to the point where I just told her, "I'm not okay." And she asked me if I could explain more. I said some other stuff about how if I try to figure out what I'm thinking or feeling, I can't stand to be in my own head. Some other stuff was said (sorry, don't remember)..

She finally asked something like, do you not have permission to talk because of secrets. And I said yes. She asked how old the girl (me) is that's holding this secret, and I said, now. She seemed surprised. I always try to be honest with her, and she knows that, so I guess she was surprised that with my emphasis on honesty that I had secrets about things I was doing. Anyway, I struggled to say anything when she asked if I could tell her, and I said I was so scared to say anything because of how I worried she would react (thank you for the advice, AG). She made a little joke (very common for my T ) and then said that I had told her secrets before and she was still here. I told her I didn't know where to start, so she said, start with the worst thing so then you get that over with. I said that I was so worried that she'd be angry, that she'd hate me and be disgusted. After sitting there for 5 minutes, I finally told her about my recent SH incidents. I said that I've had urges before, but this is the first time I've actually done it. I was SO worried, because we have a no self-harm/no suicide contract. I'd never asked her what would happen if I broke it. I shied away from giving any details at all, and she let it slide. After I told her, she asked me, do I look angry? Of course she didn't...she looked actually concerned, which really did surprise me, because I was so convinced she would be angry with me for breaking the contract and that I'd have to face some consequence. I don't even think she mentioned it. She even asked me if I wanted to show her the cuts...maybe that would have been another way to show that she wasn't disgusted by me - if I had said yes, that is. I had told her at the beginning of the session that I have so many problems (she didn't know what they were at the time) that I'm convinced I must be making them all up. After I told her about the SH, she said that there's no way I could or would make this up and that it just means that I'm in a huge amount of pain and I'm trying to find a way to deal with it.

Anyway, something else she said made me pause and then I told her that I couldn't give more details without saying more things that I didn't want to. Long story short, I sat there squirming for another 5 minutes in silence before I told her about my drinking. Now this really surprised her (as I feared it would ), because even I know that I look, act, and talk in a way that makes it seem like drinking is the last thing I'd have a problem with. She even said in a little bit of a surprised tone, "I didn't know that." Which of course made me worry that she had pretty good knowledge about the other stuff I told her! I shied away from details about that, too (like what I drink). It felt so impossible to say anything more, and I told her that it was too much. She asked, too much for you or for me? I said both, and she told me that I can't speak for her. I felt a little...reprimanded, but I'm too sensitive..I know she didn't mean it that way. Then she said my name and waited for me to look at her and then asked, do I look like I am disgusted? After she said that and I saw her look of caring and concern, I completely broke down. I had been a little watery eyed before, but I lost it. I've never cried but a few tears in therapy, but I sat there for several minutes with my hands over my face while I bawled. Quietly, of course. But I was too ashamed about my crying to move my hands from my face to get a tissue, and I didn't until my T said (kind of jokingly) that she has plenty of tissues. While we were sitting there quietly, T said, I'm still here. I asked her how she could not hate me when I kept all of these things from her for so long, and she just said that I was only getting through all of this and dealing with pain the best way I know how and that it's okay that it took me until now to feel safe enough to say something.

After a bit, I said, there's one more. And then I told her that I probably should have started with this one. She said uh oh and then said, sock it to me. I was still crying some, and I apologized for taking so long in telling her these things since I knew we had to be getting close to the end of the session, and her colleague needed the room right afterward. She said that I can take as long as I need, that we could just move to a different room to finish the session if we had to, so I don't need to worry about that at all. It felt so reassuring to hear that. I finally told her (and I've only mentioned this once on the forum) that I have an eating disorder. I told her the type that I have (which was even harder). I was still crying kind of heavily, and she was just saying some stuff about how it makes sense considering how much I try to stay away from my emotions. Then she started to say that she was amazed that I was dealing with these problems and still a straight A student and doing stuff on campus, etc. Then she said again, that she was still here and that she's not disgusted with me at all. A few more minutes went by, and I kind of laughed a little and said that I couldn't believe I told her about all of these things in one session, and she laughed too and said she couldn't believe it either.

At around 5 till, she said that she would just grab her stuff and we could go into another room to wrap up so her colleague could have the office. It ended up being a board room and goodness knows why I chose to sit in the chair that was directly beneath a light (I felt like I was in an interrogation room), but a large part of me didn't care. T asked what my plans were and said that we could take about 15 minutes to wrap things up. The session ended up being nearly an hour and a half. Something I said about how I'm able to separate these parts of myself intrigued her, but she just said that she didn't want to do too much today. When we first got into the room, she asked how I was doing and I just told her that I was freaking out! I was a mess..I couldn't sit still because I was shaking, my nose was running, and my mind was starting to go blank from overload.

She said again that I am not making any of these things up, that I wouldn't be doing any of it unless I had a very good reason. Of course, I worry that whenever the reason is uncovered, it's not going to be good enough. She seemed to know this without me saying it and said that even blocking myself off from my emotions and feeling like I'm not supposed to feel anything would be enough of a reason. Then she said that in the long term we could eventually help me find better ways to cope with the drinking and my ED since those things don't change overnight. She told me that although she understands why I felt the need to SH and feels compassion for me and fully supports me, that she doesn't like that I did it and doesn't want to encourage or support the behavior. She made me fully promise that if I felt like I was going to SH and couldn't stop myself, that I am supposed to call her.

She asked me again how I was doing, what was I feeling? I said that I was scared, sad, and relieved. I also said that since it all seems more real now that I've said it all, that I'm hating myself even more for doing these things in the first place. She just said that that is something she doesn't like either and asked if I could try to suggest to myself that although that was how things used to work, maybe I don't have to hate myself anymore, I could try a different way of being (so to speak). Easier said than done, of course! I said again that I don't know how she can't hate me and not be disgusted with me for doing these things and for not telling her about them. She told me, again, that she wasn't disgusted and then asked if I would let her prove to me that she's not disgusted with me. Of course, I forgot what she said after that. When we went to schedule another session, I grappled again about asking for an earlier session but eventually did. It's still so hard, no matter how many times my T tells me that she's glad I asked and that I can always ask. Toward the end she thanked me for telling her all that I did and said something similar to what you said, Morgs, that now we can really get to work. She also made a joking remark about me being a Psych major (..yeah, and I just applied for a clinical internship. I wish I could believe that the interest I feel is real and not just because of my own problems) and said something about how I know more about this stuff because of that, which makes this all the more interesting and troubling at the same time.

I'm going to be really, really nervous about the next session. It is hitting me now just how open I made myself today, and it's scary. Yeah, I'm really scared. What if I made a mistake revealing so much at one time? Oh boy, I just need to go to bed. It has been a very, very long day.

Thank you for your replies, BB, Morgs, AG, Frog - things have been really busy lately, and I'm trying to keep up with most of the posts. I've read your recent threads, Frog, and I have to say that I love reading about your T because he seems so attuned to you and your needs. And Morgs, I'm not sure if we've crossed paths yet (sorry if I forgot), but hello to you if we haven't.

Sorry for the unbelievably long post. Again, a huge thanks to anyone who reads it.

Kashely- just read your latest poster- it was indded long and GREAT, thanks for sharing from your session. Hope you feel ok about sharing so much details, it sounds like a breakthroguh oof a session. You are truly a brave one to share all that with your T. I think too, it was important that your T allowed the sesion to continue so you had the chance to finish it..it must be such a reliefe having this told to T now...

kashley

Wow! I am so so pleased that you found that courage deep inside you to tell your T all those things that had been bottling up inside you, that was really courageous of you. And I am equally glad that she reacted in such a compassionate and even way - that must have made the telling just ever so slightly easier. It is really obvious that she cares for you, and that what you have told her will no doubt help her to both understand you more and lead you onwards together through this. And well done too for posting about it, I know how scary that can feel, but I just know that you will get a lot of understanding and empathy here.

quote:

It is hitting me now just how open I made myself today, and it's scary. Yeah, I'm really scared. What if I made a mistake revealing so much at one time?

Aw kashley I know that feeling very well I walked out of my last session feeliing just that after telling T something I was really ashamed of, and now am in a 2 week break stuck with it still in my head (only I haven't been as brave as you as to post about it ) I amdreading my next session for the same reasons....even though I KNOW T will react as she always does in a totally supportive, caring, non-judgemental way....the shame for me is still lingering. I am really glad that you haven't long to wait and imagine that your T is actually really proud of you for saying what you did.

Big hug kashley,

starfish

((((((((((Kashley))))))))))
No apologies for the long post...that wasn't even long, IMO...thank you so much for sharing this. I am sorry that you are in so much pain that you have had to resort to methods of coping that bring temporary relief, but only end up hurting yourself more in the long run. That sounds like a huge amount of pain indeed. But can I also say, I'm just really happy for and proud of you for going in there and opening up to your T like that. And I also love how she responded to you, really saw how brave you were being, NOT because the things you were revealing were so disgusting, but because you were so afraid to tell her...and yet you bravely told her anyway, even though you were convinced that she would be disgusted...and you got a response you didn't expect...and IMO it is the right one on all fronts, you got the kindness and compassion you deserve...and I just want to say congratulations on taking such a significant step in your own healing. It sounds like you've made a huge breakthrough and I look forward to hearing about the work you do with your T now that you've opened up so courageously and honestly with her. And thank you for opening up with us here, too. Great job, Kashley!!!

Big hugs for you,
SG

I know how you feel, you did well to get all that out in one session. I just went through an episoide of depression where I went into a spiral one night after a couple of drinks, came out of no where. The anxiousness grew, I started pacing my house back and forth, I knew the SH was next. Backing up a bit, my T who know I cut once in a while, asked me to promise him to call him if I start the get urges. I tried so hard to pick up the phone, but I just felt so shameful and worthless and couldn't reach out to him...even though I promised him.
So, I sent him kind of a pissy email, not referencing how I was feeling. He responded, and it was through email that I let him know I thought I might SH. He said, "shouldnt we be on the phone" right now? I couldnt bring myself to call. In therapy this week, I first walked in and he immediately and abruptly asked what I did to myself and to show him.
I shook him off no. Gee, he could have eased into it a little. I think he and many T are so uncomfortable with SH they dont know how to approach it. I know he hates it. He asked me once again to call him if I feel myself going down this road again and that he might be able to interrupt the behavior. I sort of agreed.
No absolutes.

I remember after the first time I told him I SH, I felt so ashamed about myself, and like a freak, but at the same time relieved. I'm sure once you get over the shock of telling her, you will feel some weight lifted off your shoulders. It's hard to bear this kind of secret as well as your eating disorder.

Keep talking to her, she sounds like a good T.

Kashley,

Have on a minute and wanted to send a big (((((HUG)))))).

Liese.

quote:

After a bit, I said, there's one more. And then I told her that I probably should have started with this one. She said uh oh and then said, sock it to me

Hey Kashley –love it - how good is this, to have a lovely, caring T with a good sense of humour to boot!! Good stuff So pleased you were able to get it all out there – don’t be surprised if you feel absolutely exhausted for a bit – you should be very proud of yourself

quote:

Toward the end she thanked me for telling her all that I did!

How is that for a great response – she’s probably excited by your openness (albeit eventually he he !!) and your trust (‘cause our Ts can do with the good feelings from trust too!) – what a great foundation you now have for the healing work to begin
Happy for you Kashley
Morgs

Kashley, thank you for sharing what you have here with us...that is a huge gift of trust, and it is soooo good that you shared it all with your T...oh I just ove her responses...and that you were met not with disgust but with the acceptance and care that you so deserve. You are being so brave sweetie, so very brave. Huge hugs, Kashley...now your T will really be able to help you. I knew you could do it.

((((((((Kashley))))))))

((((((Kashley))))) (((((Kashley)))))

sorry...got carried away with the hugs again!

BB

Kashley,

I so related to your first post and I see you had some great suggestions from others. I'm sorry it took me so long to respond!

I am thrilled that you were so brave and told your T the things you needed to tell her!! Good for you and good for her for having such a great response. That had to be a really vulnerable place to let yourself go, but you did it and you and your T are both still here and like you said, you can really get to work now!

Huge pat on the back for you!!

Wow, you all are so incredible. I'm blown away by your support. Thank you to each and every one of you - Frog, Starfish, SG, Lizzygirl, DF, Liese, Morgs, BB, and STRM. I feel so lucky to be able to share this with you all, because I'd otherwise be stuck with it just in my own head, where it would probably fester and turn sour from replaying everything a thousand times over. So thank you for being here for me.

I feel so lucky to have my T. But, today, I've really been cringing over and over at the thought of her knowing all of these things. I was thinking about the session earlier and it felt so overwhelming that I've ended up with a very persistent migraine from thinking about it. I've always found myself in this battle between wanting her to care and yet being afraid that having her care is too much to ask, and with dumping all of this on her, I'm finding myself overwhelmingly wanting her to NOT care at all, to forget what I said and we can just pretend that I had already been completely open and honest with her before. I'm so scared about what's going to happen next. I'm petrified. And go figure that the very act of telling her everything is what's been fueling these repeated urges to SH. My T knows how impossibly hard it is for me to call her, and by making me promise to call before I SH, she's pretty much guaranteed that I won't, and she probably knows that. But that doesn't mean it's still not incredibly hard to not SH.

Thank you for listening and being so accepting and supportive.

((Kashley)) Terrific for you that you could tell your T all that. I know that you are feeling very vulnerable right now because you revealed alot, but your T sounds great and I'm sure when you go next time she will be the same way she was this time - Caring and concerned. I too usually feel the same after a big session like the one you had. I usually will call or email my T and tell her how vulnerable I feel. It helps me to just get the reassurance from her that things are ok.

Again, Bravo!!!

Smiley

Thank you, Smiley. At this point, since I fear calling her so much, it seems like my feelings of vulnerability would be exacerbated if I tried to call. I even freeze up at the thought of it. I hope Tuesday comes quickly though, because I'm having a very hard time being in my own head right now.

Thank you for the encouragement.

kashley

It's going to feel so hard until you see T again, you have so much to process and have been so incredibly brave in saying what you did. I truly understand how you feel, shame seems always to hang on my back, no matter what T says (or how much I desperately try to believe what she says). But Tuesday will come and she knows you well enough now to be able to help you share how you've been feeling, even doing that kashley will be a huge step forward. Just hang i there til then (((kashley)))

starfish

Kashley

oh I am amazed by you girl! What you did by telling your T everything you did - that was awesome!!! That takes a lot of courage, insight, care for yourself, risk, heart. And you have an incredible T who sees how amazing you are too.

When I told my T about the SH I deal with - I was mortified. She too assured me things were ok, she was glad I told her, she wasn't mad or angry at me or giving up on me (my fears) and it still felt awful. I felt like the worst person on the planet and I wanted to disappear. And my T kept telling me she didn't hate me and wasn't freaked out (I was afraid of that too.)

Your T mentioned proving to you that she doesn't think you are disgusting... that tells me that she gets it, she likely knows it takes time for even that fact to sink in, and she very likely knows that you probably are going to come back scared or overwhelmed or vulnerable or maybe even just numbed out about having told her what you did. It's pretty normal... (and yeah, it's miserable!)

All the shame you are feeling - I know this probably doesn't help to say, but it is really understandable, and completely undeserved, and it will get better in time too. The shame and awful feelings you are having right now will get better too.

keep reminding yourself what your T said as much as you can, even if you can't believe it -

quote:

Then she said again, that she was still here and that she's not disgusted with me at all.

I know it's really hard to think of calling your T and feeling even more vulnerable. But your T had you agree to call before you self harmed, knowing that you were already struggling with it. She probably expects it to come up again and for you to still be struggling with it - I don't think she would expect that the urge and pull to self injure would now be gone. I know it's super scary, and it might take time to get to the point of calling her, but please remember, it is an option and one that she would not have offered if she didn't think it was ok for you to use it. Even if you called and said you were struggling to call or really struggling since telling her so much... I think that is ok in this circumstance...

I hope Tuesday comes much sooner than it seems. I hope you can find some peace and rest this weekend. I hope you can maybe even do something to be kind to you (I know, that's super hard - I have the hardest time being kind to my own self) but you did amazing work this week and you are going through rough stuff. I hope it gets easier to sit with all of this - and that in the meantime, until it does become a easier, the time goes fast! and keep writing and posting (if that is helpful)... Maybe this sounds weird, but I am very encouraged by your authenticy and realness in the midst of all you are facing and struggling with. And please know, you are not alone in any of this. I've been there - it's different for me in some ways, but I can also relate to so much of what you have written - and so many people on and off this forum have struggled with so many of the same issues (and yes, together - these things often go hand in hand.) Knowing your kind heart, you probably wouldn't think badly of any of us for our battles and stuff - as you might think of yourself.

You are amazing and you are not disgusting and you have a great T who will be there on Tuesday (and in the meantime if you do need to call her) and you have us too.

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much - keep hanging in there...

~ jd

Draggers, Starfish, Jane - your reassuring responses mean so much to me. You are all so understanding and it helps so much.

Draggers, yes, the urges can be strong, and they have been. I can see (and feel) now how much SH can be such a slippery slope. Thank you for taking the time to support me when I know you're in the midst of some really huge and scary stuff right now.

Starfish, thank you for so much understanding. Thanks for reminding me about the little things - to just be able to share how I'm feeling. I'm so worried about what she'll want me to say, what issue she'll want to talk about, that it's so easy to forget that I know she wants to know how I'm feeling too. Well, I *know* that, but I don't really feel that she'll act that way. I guess I'm finding myself kind of convinced that she'll want me to just keep talking until my problems are "fixed" and she can breathe a sigh of relief. I know she's not going to do that, but it feels like such an automatic response.

Jane, it really helps to hear your confidence in my T. It's just so hard to believe the things she says when I so wholeheartedly *don't* believe them myself. For one reason or another, I just never think that what I'm feeling is enough to warrant a call to my T. And I also really think that even if I'm way in the dumps, I'll have numbed out by the time I call her, and then I'll have nothing to say. Thank you so so so much for everything you've written, Jane. There's more I feel as if I should respond to, but I don't feel like I deserve to even acknowledge anything else you've said...

Thanks to all.

Why do some days just leave you so confused as to what you are feeling, what you want, what you need... I feel so clueless and yet I feel lost and on the edge at the same time, if that makes any sense. I think I've had urges to SH, but I feel like I don't even know, because I can't figure out why I feel that way. Especially because I can't even pick out an emotion I'm feeling that makes me want to SH. So then it all feels fake, like I'm -making- myself feel that way (sorry to keep going back to that...but that's the wall I keep hitting). And then nothing feels real.

I probably could/should say more to be a little clearer, but I don't even really know how to do that right now. Ugh.

((((Kashley))))

You said you feel like you are faking or forcing the feelings - and like DF said, it might be more the case that the feelings are actually real, it's just hard to identify and connect to them. I dunno... This might be weird to ask, but what makes them feel so fake? what would make the feelings feel more authentic? more like feelings you are not faking? Would it be knowing why they are there or feeling them more strongly or... ? You don't have to answer and maybe you don't know - which would make sense - and that's ok. Sorry if it is a totally off question.

quote:

Especially because I can't even pick out an emotion I'm feeling that makes me want to SH.

I can really relate to this. My T has asked me before, when talking about the urge to SH, "what emotions are there?" Usually, I have no idea. Not a clue.

When I was in an intensive treatment program last spring, they taught us that many people who numb out, will have sensations and urges without knowing where they come from or why, or have emotions and not know why, or thoughts, but no emotions or physical sensations. And sometimes in ways that don't seem very connected to events in daily life. The counselors at the intensive treatment program said they saw it all the time and it's a protective thing our brains/minds do. (For me, I was surprised... I thought it was so weird and frustrating what I was dealing with... I thought, how can anything get better when I don't even know what's going on? They just seemed to have a lot of hope about it.)

For awhile, they had us rate our sensations, emotions, and thoughts every day many times a day, on paper, and then bring in our sheets to talk about. It drove me nuts. Most of the time, I had no idea. Often I had to put a question mark down as my "rating" for various emotions and body feelings and sometimes even thoughts. Sometimes I could figure out how stringly I felt something but not even what specific emotion it was. I would try and try to figure out what I was feeling, and they said it was ok to not know. The point partly was to just keep checking in with myself, not about even being able to know what was going on or what I was feeling. It took a long time of doing it before I understood more why I was doing it, and it took longer before I started to be able to identify what I was feeling more often.

Sometimes I will just feel something physically, and not have a clue what it is. Sometimes I will feel an emotion, and have no idea what emotion it is. I have even been crying and not known if I was sad. Or something else. I just felt something... Sometimes, when I try to figure it out, I just end up numb and shut off. Sometimes I will feel something, and it just feels... like disconnected... from me... It's like I've had to find me all over again. And I don't know how to do that. (And then, sometimes, I finally get it. I finally know what I'm feeling and sometimes even why.) I don't know if that makes any sense or is at all anything like what you are dealing with?

I've been told by the Ts in the program and my regular T now, that the disconnected-ness and numbness isn't something that is entirely under my control. It's what my brain does in response to life, a way to control overwhelming unmanageable feelings in response to life - it just disconnects all the connections. What I do with it, is what I can control, and the rest, can get better. My head is learning it's ok to feel. I've been told can't just convince myself to feel, and I don't understand all of that - and even the parts I do understand intellectually, I'm still learning how to actually carry out and experience.

It seems like you are pushing yourself to feel something so much - and I understand that. Being numb can be so disorienting - I don't think you are convincing yourself to feel stuff that isn't real though.

I'm not sure really why this is happening for you, or what it is like exactly for you. I might be totally off track, but I'm guessing it's probably a coping/defense mechanism. It's like a way to keep yourself from being overwhelmed. For a lot of people, SH is a way to cope, a way to manage intense stuff, and so is being numbed out from even what makes you feel like you need to SH.

I don't know if this helps at all - you don't have to respond. just wanted to say, I can really relate and I'm sorry it's so hard to figure out.

~ jane

Well, I had this reply typed up, but I decided to scrap it. I don't really know why, to be honest. I really appreciate both of your replies, DF and Jane - both of you are really spot on, and it helps to read what you've written. There is just so much going on right now - I hope to find the time to reply to you both tomorrow, but I'm not sure. I just wanted to let you know that I'm so grateful you've written.

Hi Kashley,

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. It must be so hard to go through this. I don't have anything to help you with this but am sending you hugs and warm wishes ((((((((((Kashley)))))))))

Hi Kashley...sorry it is still so hard to articulate and really feel spontaneously. Feelings should not have to be experienced as choices and some deep part of you is experiencing that reality as pain? Does it feel hard to trust any feeling that you think about as real? For me it feels like my whole life and existence is a lie, that I don't spontaneously react to anything, that everything is a creation of my own in order to fit in or adapt or have something make sense...my T calls it just "not feeling real." We must have had a session about that, yet I can't really remember, but some stuff he says makes me think we must have talked about in detail at some point. It's hard to not know the facts around this. Even that, I doubt. I guess I'm just trying to say, I get where you are coming from, loud an clear.
I'm sorry that you are struggling so much with the sense of yourself and your feelings, still try to trust your T on this issue. I really can't think of anything worse, it is hellish to feel that way, and my heart really goes out to you. I think that's where a lot fo the urges to SI come from...the desire to *feel* -and *feel real.* Anything is better that not feeling and not feeling real...pain comes as a relief in that place. Sending many comforting hugs to you, sweetheart...none of this is your fault. ((((Kashley)))))

BB

***Parts of this post could be triggering***

Thanks Marsh - you don't need to have anything to help...thank you for letting me know you're thinking of me. That in itself helps, please don't doubt that.

BB - I just want to make sure I'm understanding you right.

quote:

Feelings should not have to be experienced as choices and some deep part of you is experiencing that reality as pain?

I'm not quite sure I'm getting what you're saying here - sorry, my brain is not working to quickly right now. Are you saying that the knowledge that I can't feel freely is a cause of pain? If that is what you're saying, then yes, this is true. Partly. I think the knowledge that I can't (...or won't?) feel without putting some bounds on it is a cause for self-hatred, because I feel that I'm overreacting to life, that I'm making myself miserable for the sake of being miserable, and that I'm just scared of being human, which makes me more of a coward than the rest of the planet. I can find no reason why I am the way I am, and that really gets to me. I think I've gone off on a tangent. My brain is foggy.

quote:

Does it feel hard to trust any feeling that you think about as real? For me it feels like my whole life and existence is a lie, that I don't spontaneously react to anything, that everything is a creation of my own in order to fit in or adapt or have something make sense

Do you find this absolute crazy-making? Because I do, but I feel exactly the same way. It's why I feel that absolutely nothing, nothing at all, is real. That no matter how honest I try to be with myself or others, I'm somehow lying all the same. It's when I try to figure out what feelings or thoughts are real that I get the most frustrated and will sometimes, literally, think I'll go crazy if I think about it anymore. Which is probably why I should stop talking about it now.

quote:

It's hard to not know the facts around this. Even that, I doubt.

Me too. I talk with my T a lot about how I don't think anything I feel or think is real. I know she believes it's real, and I also know she knows that her belief in my thoughts/feelings is the first stepping stone to believing myself.

quote:

I guess I'm just trying to say, I get where you are coming from, loud an clear.

I know you do, and I'm sorry about that. ((((BB))))

I've had urges to SH for quite a while, and the urges seem to come for different reasons. Sometimes, I have a desire to punish myself, other times I want and need to feel something - anything - and other times it's been because I'm feeling too much and causing pain gives me one thing to focus on. I got very close to SHing last night, but I stopped myself. Mostly out of avoidance of more pain, which would have come in the form of extreme shame and guilt - the guilt for not calling my T when I promised I would.

Anyway, thanks for your ongoing support. I should probably take a step back from writing about this right now, as it's getting a little triggering.

Oh, and Jane - I still want to come back and respond to your post, as there is a lot there that I relate to as well. I'm sorry I haven't yet, but I will.