Hi Meraynjel,
Welcome to the forums, I am very glad you posted. You are in a really difficult, painful situation and I am glad that you are seeking help.

I know you have expressed not wanting to leave your T, but my reaction to reading this was "run as fast as you can and do NOT look back." He is breaking so many boundaries, I lost count. He should not be discussing his own troubles or life or struggles with you at all. This is your therapy and is supposed to be about your needs only. That is why you pay him.

He is exploiting the relationship to meet his own needs and it's not only wrong, it's usually very harmful to the client. I'm ok with his having his own struggles but he should be seeking help somewhere other than with a client.

You are feeling overwhelmed and scared because this situation is much like when a child has to take care of a parent. It's not supposed to be that way and hence, it feels really overwhelming.

As far as you being together, I think it might help to read this article of the effects on a client of having a romantic/sexual relationship with a therapist: Sex between Therapists and Clients by Ken Pope.

I normally would not speak so strongly knowing so little about you and your background, but honestly, your Ts behavior is so egregious that I really do fear for your well-being.

At a minimum, would you be willing to see a consult T to discuss the situation and get some help handling it? I do not think your therapy is helping because what you're T is doing isn't therapy.

AG

quote:

I'm scared and lost and I know I'm supposed to keep all of this confidential and not tell anyone

And just for the record, this is NOT true. Your T is committed to confidentiality and may not speak about you, but the patient holds no such obligation. You are free to speak about your therapy to whomever you wish. I think that if your T told you that it wasn't ok to talk about this, the situation becomes even more worrisome in that at a minimum he is trying to protect himself at your expense and worst case, he is consciously exploiting you and trying to get you to collude in your own abuse (which is a classic method of an abuser.)

I'm not sure what a consult therapist is. I have tried reaching out about it before but in the end I'm always too afraid and I feel guilty about breaking the confidentiality that he did say went both ways. I'm not supposed to be talking about any of this.

I guess in a way I think maybe I'm not just crazy and that seeking help and answers is what I need. Otherwise I wouldn't be here, trying to get help yet again. He has me though. I don't know how to break away or if I even can. After three years I have little without him and as much as I want free from the fear and stress I also need him and know this is all just me somehow and he is to be protected.

How do I see a consult therapist and will they tell him I was there? If he knows then he talks to them and they always go away and I am right where I was.

A consult therapist is any therapist you go to to seek advice about your current therapy. There aren't designated consult therapists like the name might suggest.

The confidentiality absolutely does NOT go both ways. He can't break it, but you have no obligation whatsoever. Same with the consult. They can't tell him or anyone else that you were there.

He is abusing you. You're not crazy, and another therapist - a good one - will be able to help you with this situation. You can look online on psychologytoday.com or psychcentral.com (there's other sites too, but those are the only ones I can think of right now) and use their search engines to see therapists in your area. However, not every T has a listing there, so you may have to search in other ways.

Take care. Despite what it may feel like, you don't owe him a thing.

(((((meraynjel)))))

Welcome to the forum!

I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. I have the same reaction as AG. Everything in me says RUN from this T. The professional boundary violations are rampant, and those boundaries are SO important to keep in order to make therapy helpful and healing. The fact that he told you to keep T confidential is just wrong.

If he really cared about you, in the right way that anyone with a T's license should, then he would get into supervision (at the very least.) Frankly, his actions are to the point where he should not have his license - and probably is telling you not to tell anyone because he could lose it for the things he is doing.

I hear that you want to protect him, but that isn't in the best interest of you or him to protect him. What he is doing in using the relationship with you, a client, to try and help himself is not good or healthy for you or him. It is not your role or job to protect your T. A good T would actually ecnourage you to share and encourage you not to protect them.

You have the right to feel however you feel! You are not being stupid. You are not crazy. You are very wise to be questioning what is going on and reaching out for outside input and help like you are. You have connected with a T who turns out to not be a good T, and who is really doing damaging things. This isn't a healing relationship because of HIM and his stuff, NOT because of you. He is doing many things that would be deeply destablizing for me if my T did them. It's not you. Therapy can help, and you can get better. I fully believe that. This is the wrong therapist (who is not acting like a therapist) and what he is doing would hinder anyone.

I know it is really scary to face the thought of losing him. It sounds like you have connected about some things that are not common. I was terrified to face losing my old T (who moved away after two years) and I thought I'd never find anyone who understands me like she does. I was wrong, very wrong on that. There are others who will understand too.

I know it feels like you need him, and after three years, it has to be scary to face the idea of losing him. A T should help us build our lives so that we have more, not less, because of them. You need someone who can really do that with you - and I believe there are Ts out there who can.

I'm so glad you posted and shared about what is going on. Seeing another T would be expensive, but what HE is doing is damaging to you (and himeself!) What about trading one session with him to see another T, even just once? A consult T is just another T that you would call up and ask if you could meet with them to talk about what therapy would be right for your needs, and if there is a better option than what you are doing.

A consult T, or any other T you see, does not have the legal ability to talk to your current T without your permission, and you do not by any means have to give that permission. It's your therapy, your choice. You can withold that permission, and sounds like it would probably be a good idea to do so, if only so that you can feel more safe in sharing whatever you need to share with another T without worrying it will go back to him.

So sorry you are going through this,

~ jane

I would like to talk to someone else if he won't find out. To explain everything and let go of all the secrets. I don't like keeping them. I haven't liked having to keep quiet and not being able to talk to anyone about therapy and being constantly afraid I'm going to mess up and tell.

I think it would be worth the money to see a consult therapist if they are not like him and he won't find out. This has been really eating away at me and making my life miserable. But at the same time I'm also so scared. I know i should not even be talking now but it was just becoming too much. I hope he doesn't know.

You are very right to be talking about this! I agree with what everyone else said. Please find a different T to talk to about this situation. He can't find out about it unless you tell him. He has broken nearly every rule that T's are supposed to follow and has put you in danger as a result. Please keep posting here as well. You haven't done anything wrong. Your T is the one in the wrong here.

I can't seem to do the research or make the calls I need to see a consult therapist. I'm so scared and panicking and thinking I should say nothing. What if it is just me. What if he's wonderful and helps everyone else. What if he doesn't mean for any of this to be happening. What if its all an accident and I break his trust and confidentiality and tell and it hurts him. What if he really does just care about me and love me?

I'm so confused. It's me and my fault somehow yet I want out. But at the same time he needs me and what if I need him.

I'm scared. I want a consult therapist but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I want out but I fear I'll cave like the other times I tried to get help and he'll know, or find out or I'll confess to him.

I feel so guilty and bad. I'm ridiculous. I should just be strong enough to follow all the advice here like I know I want to. It shouldn't be this hard. I don't want to be so afraid.

Meraynjel, anyone would be scared an overwhelmed in your situation. Try not to get angry at yourself. Take it one step at a time and you will get through this. Again, it is NOT your fault although it's normal that it feels that way.

Here's a link to the chatroom for this forum if you want to talk to someone in real time: http://us5.chatzy.com/45932545812679 There is usually someone around in the evenings (US times zones).

(((((meraynjel)))))

This would be hard and scary for anyone in your shoes. I had to leave my old T (not the one who moved away, but another one I saw before her.) It was a very hard experience. It was not a good theraputic relationship either, and she started crossing professional boundaries. It was really hard to look for another T, and then begin considering alternatives.... and yet it was the best thing I could have done, and I'm really glad for it.

You don't have to go through this alone. At all. There will be another T out there who can walk with you through this. And we are here too. I know you don't know us really well or anything, but a lot of people here understand how hard and scary it can be to think of leaving a T. It might take a little time to find the right person, but you will get there.

Right now, try not to think about all of it. Maybe try to just think of seeing another T, as just getting a second opinion. That's all. You are NOT doing anything wrong at all.


It sounds like you have tried to reach out for help before? but then felt really guilty about doing so?

I am 100% sure this is not your fault. One of the reasons that I am sure of this is because there is NOTHING that a client could do that would make your T's actions ok, or such a therapy relationship one that is good and healing. I have a feeling that he also knows it's isn't just you, or he would be ok with and even supportive of you sharing about your therapy with others. But when he wants you to not tell, something is very wrong that is NOT your doing.

It is common for someone in a relationship with someone where there is a power difference, like there is here (and in all therapy relationships - good or bad) for someone to think it is their fault. But it's just not the case.

It may be true that he is helping others (although I doubt how effective he is right now with how much he is out of control in handling his own stuff) but he is not handling the therapy with you in a good or healthy way. He probably does care about you very deeply, but that doesn't make what he is doing ok.

I can hear your care and concern for him. This might sound weird, but the best thing you can do to protect him and help him, is for you to get outside help. And right now, all that means is just getting a second opinion from another professional.

This is a very tough situation. You have been with him for several years, and it would be hard even under good circumtances to consider other options. Please be as kind you to as you can (I know, usually easy to say and hard to do). You have MUCH strength and courage for reaching out like you are.

~ jd

I called a crisis line a few times last week and not my therapist. I haven't told them anything, I'm too scared word will get back to him, but I really want to tell them, even if all I do is read what I wrote here.

I looked at therapists again today and there is still time in the day to find one, I just get so terrified I can't say a word. I want to hide and get away but hiding is not living life. I want to be strong. I'm trying to be strong.

I think I will try calling on a different phone and reading and talking to someone. I hate being so afraid but I am, and still so confused. I don't know what will happen when I see him tomorrow.

Meraynjel, word CANNOT get back to your T from a crisis line. There are laws against it. Also, if you find it hard to talk, you could use an online crisis chat.

You don't have to see your T tomorrow if you don't want to. It's OK to just not go. Do what you need to take care of yourself. Block his number if you want. It's your right to do so.

Even though you are terrified right now, you ARE strong and you will get through this.

Meragynal,
I volunteer on a crisis line and BLT is completely correct. The calls are completely confidential and are told to no one. I have talked to callers about their therapists and have no idea who they or their therapists are. It would be a safe place to speak about it.

AG

Is he forgivable?

I did go to my appointment yesterday. Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I did, and I carefully tried to ask him about it. I don't know what to believe. Now I'm wondering if I should try and forgive him, forget it all and stay.

What if nothing bad ever happens again? What if he's sorry?

I am going to tell someone else. I've been too afraid of the crisis line but I know I'm just being paranoid so I'm going to try and call today and ask for some insight.

By the way, I really appreciate everyone's help with this. It means a lot to me.

quote:

Now I'm wondering if I should try and forgive him, forget it all and stay.

What if nothing bad ever happens again? What if he's sorry?

This kind of question is exactly the reason we think you should see a different T for a consult. They can help you think through these things and get more clarity about your situation. I will say that so far, he has shown no evidence of being sorry or changing in any meaningful way, so he hasn't exactly given you a compelling reason to trust him!

And Meraynjel, forgiving him is one thing and continuing to see him as a therapist is another. It's obvious you care deeply for him and do not wish to hurt him. But you also deserve care and to get what you went to therapy for.

Meraynjel ~

That is great you are going to give calling a crisis line a try! I think the more you talk about it and share with others, the more it will help sort this out in the best way for you and this T.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you can or should also forget. If he was sorry, if he was repentant and really taking responsiblity for his own stuff and his terrible professional boundary violations in the therapy with you, he probably would be reffering to you to consult with another T himself. He would be supporting you in finding another T to see and supporting you in talking to others about what happened. He would be accepting that hs actions would damage any therapy relationship and it would take much more than just a promise to not do it again for anyone to really trust him again.

Therapy is a place where relationship breakdowns or ruptures can happen, and sometimes things can be repaired - but this doesn't typically happen by just forgiving and forgetting. If I was in your shoes, I'm not sure I could forget, even if I wanted to. For me, I'd be worried about him too and it happening again, and would struggle to feel like I didn't have to take care of him.... Even though I would know it isn't my job, I would still be worried about him in a way that would really affect my own healing and process. Also, this is more than just a rupture in the theraputic relationship, but him not following professional ethical standards in therapy.

I want the best for you (and him). I hope the call to the crisis line goes ok. I'm so glad you are reaching out.

~ jd