(((ANG)))(((LL)))((AV)))(((COGS)))(((BLT))))
Ang - thanks for the birthday wishes. Still not making a decision about the 24th. Going to leave it open for a few days. It was sweet, wasn't it?
LL -
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Maybe a good question to think about would be what his caring means to you? Is it to do with him, or is it to do with making you feel good about yourself. If the latter, then all you can do is take in as much of his caring as you can and work from that foundation to build up caring even more for yourself. That's my game plan anyway and I might be in danger of loading onto you my motives, so just throwing this out to you for something to consider, or reject as might be the case.
That is a good question. I keep asking myself, what would be enough? what would be the thing he could do that would be "it" - when I finally recognize that he does care.
Though as I am writing this out, showing others we care about them doesn't ever really end, does it? We never prove once and for all that we care - it's an ongoing thing. Maybe it's just the nature of any relationship, that there will be times when we especially need support and don't get it for whatever reaons and we're likely to feel uncared for and hurt?
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Do you think this is what has made you flip into negative mode? That you did call him and he did respond beautifully and did give you lots of 'goodies' this last session and that's causing you a lot of anxiety?
I do think that has something to do with it, feeling like I'm too demanding, impossible, will never be satisfied, etc. etc. I guess if you've grown up with an other who doesn't have anything to give, anything you ask for will always be too much - just from the outset.
Feeling ungrateful for what he has given - I told him yesterday that I asked myself how I could be so mad at him when he has been so good to me. And he said, it doesn't work like that and he's glad I called him on Friday and he's glad I called him on Sunday.
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The inverse type of anxiety whereby the more your wants/needs are met, the more freaked out you get that they will be taken away?
I was going to address this later on in my reply to BLT, but something along the lines of, if I had to ask for it, then it means I strongarmed him into it and it's not coming from a genuine place and he's likely to feel resentful.
LL - still undecided about the 24th. I have to tell you the this offer of a phone session on the 24th comes after me complaining that I realized after Thanksgiving that I'd never get to spend a Thanksgiving with him so, in that regard, it's especially meaningful.
My sessions are normally on a Monday so I don't know if the offer is coincidentally on the 24th or not but then again, he could have offered to do a phone session on Sunday the 23rd.
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Seems like you realise that your personal problems aren't allowing you to see clearly at the moment, so please be gentle with yourself about this and allow yourself some slack.
The card and the offer of a christmas eve phone session were positive signs of just the opposite happening. Far from pushing him away he is reaching out to you it seems.
AV, yes, I was beating myself up for not feeling as grateful as I thought I should feel but also realized that my life is in a bit of a crisis right now. He knows it. I know it. It's hard to feel anything at all right now. So, I'm trying not to beat myself up for not feeling as grateful yesterday as I thought I should.
((((COGS))))
I'm trying to quote from your reply but my computer won't let me. Thanks for the support and I am going to really try to let myself feel it.
(((BLT))))
Thank you for your thoughts. It's interesting you wrote what you did because I do struggle with those things. (I can't quote you either so I'm just going to do my best here.)
Over the summer, we went away and I had to miss a session. I was dying for my T to give me a transitional object and was absolutely convinced he didn't care about me because he didn't give me one. But then, while we were away, he called me at the start of my session time just to let me know we are still connected. And, so he didn't do what I thought would have been an act of caring but he did what he thinks is an act of caring and actually was an act of caring and was very meaningful for me.
That brought some of what you were talking about to my attention, that I have preconceived notions of what "caring" entails and, if not exactly as I wrote it, it must mean the worst. But everyone is different and shows their caring in different ways, right?
The other thing I wanted to comment on was what I mentioned to LL above. That when I have to ask for it, it seems to diminish my ability to enjoy what I get because I feel like I strongarmed him into giving it to me and it's not coming from a genuine place and he will come to resent me. Maybe that all comes down to not feeling worthy, IDK.
Thanks for saying I am brave. Sometimes I feel like a big baby.
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Keep it special. 
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