Reminder: H and I share a T, but see him individually...H for sexsomnia related stuff, me for H's condition AND a whole bunch of childhood/trauma issues that have been stirred up. T's whole wanting to confront H for me regarding his condition has me thinking if some of my experiences with T are warning signs that I'm triggering some sort of paternal counter-transference in him. T brought up to H how he is "damaging me" last session, which is information from MY therapy. In today's phone session, T also asked my permission to talk to H about steps to protect me, my possibly leaving the bed, etc. I told T that even though I was worried I lacked the courage, I thought it probably should be my responsibility, but he didn't seem to think so. I could just be projecting a protective response from T, because I am a very caretaking, protective person to others in my life. However, I'm kind of worried that my helpless feelings and general neediness/dependency on T is drawing out some sort of counter-transference reaction.
Other things that make me think this:
-His willingness to run over with me on a regular basis, which he recently seems to be trying to correct. He always runs late, though (he ran over 10 minutes with H his last two sessions), so I think he must probably run over with all clients in general to bring things to a "natural" end. When we were scheduling our next appointment, he offered me Monday, because I don't like going from Friday morning until Tuesday night, but made sure to qualify, "If we do Monday, I really can't run very late. If we start late, of course, we'll go the whole hour, but it's too long of a day to make it a long appointment." I appreciated him giving me the heads up, but it sounds to me as if he assumes that the "standard" for our sessions is to run late and have more time. And...that would be fine with me if that's what our contract was the boundary was established at a different length. But, it seems like another "assumption" that hasn't been explicitly discussed.
-His willingness to accommodate my requests for late sessions. I have told him anything 7pm through 9pm works. It could just be a combination of having regular clients at other times and him being nice, but I am always his last client of the evening. For instance, he will tell me "either 8pm or 9pm" and if he gets another client who needs to come in, I always end up with the 9pm slot. I just assumed this was because he tended to run over with me and didn't want to inconvenience another client, but him making room to run over with me every week is, perhaps, an unusual accommodation in itself.
-The extreme amounts of outside contact he has encouraged...it's possible he allows this with all of his clients, but he never offered it as aggressively with H (who granted, doesn't struggle with "safety" issues). T has read nearly 200 pages, 1.15 spaced of material I have written in eight months (a majority of it since December), and keeps insisting he WANTS to do it. I can't imagine it is really THAT helpful or I am so interesting.
-He praises me pretty excessively, both to me and to my H. It's not that he never has anything corrective to say, but it is VERY rare. In his estimation, I am an amazing wife, a great mother, a talented writer, would make a great T myself, generous, kind, humble, patient, honest. Maybe he is just trying to combat my inner critic. He tells this stuff not only to me, but to my H, who teases me. He once told H that when he had been looking for a relationship (years ago), I was the type he would have considered "good wife material," but that was based on my H's description of me and me having attended a couple of H's sessions, before I was actually in therapy. On the other hand, he has recently told my H that he is prideful.
Then again, he has only said good things about my H to ME, except regarding H's condition.-The approach/withdrawal stuff I've been noticing. I wanted to sit on the floor, he chose to sit with me (I even said he didn't have to, but he said he felt more comfortable that way). Then, when I reacted intensely, he suddenly withdrew. He has called me "Kiddo" from early on. He stopped for a bit when I told him it reminded me of my dad. When I told him about my transference in February and asked him why he called me that (if it was purposeful to produce these feelings in me), he said I just "seemed like a Kiddo." He used it a few times lately after I "accepted" being Kiddo, but since I have told him how positive that made me feel, he hasn't used it once.
-He seems to be avoiding several conversations I have tried to initiate on connecting/disconnecting, the meaning of the therapeutic relationship, my request for more transparency regarding boundaries.
-He does a little bit of self-disclosure...not sure if it is too much. He has told me stuff, related to why he is late or can't read email, usually, about his wife forgetting to pay the electricity bill, or that he was moving, stuff about playing music at church (we both do), stories and jokes his mother told him or relating to certain thoughts/feelings I've had (could just be empathy), general stuff about other clients (again, as relates to me). He has disclosed much more to H, actually, than to me...so it may just be a part of his style to do so. None of it seems like TOO much, but added to this other stuff...
I don't know...I may be over-analyzing my T, who just has his own style of being a nice guy. However, I think it is my job to think about this stuff. It's not like it will make me leave T or anything, as long as we can talk through it and make sure things are safe, boundaried, etc. How likely is a T to even talk about this topic openly, though? I'm sure he'd talk about it with a colleague or get his own therapy, but do they engage clients in this sort of discussion or is that off-limits?
I feel bad, because T is a very generous, humble, kind guy himself, so I'd hate to chalk up all he does for me to some sort of automatic response to my need for a father figure. H brought up the possibility of T becoming attracted to me. A lot of this stuff seems like it may just be the way he is with his clients in general...and while I am desperate for boundaries with bright neon-signs flashing, I can respect that I need to learn how to deal with relationships shifting over time, the give and take, the moving closer and further away again as T has said. So, it's almost like a laboratory for real life I am experiencing here.
Anyway, sorry for another long post and all the rambling. I'm just really trying to work this stuff out, because I know it is first and foremost MY responsibility to make sure my therapy is a safe and secure place for me. I feel safe and comfortable with my T, but I also can react very anxiously, so I want to sort some of this out and protect that little Kiddo from any more damage if T decides he has been doing too much and suddenly withdraws.