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Hey puppet
My T is a medical doctor and seems to have an excellent grasp on his own personal limits.
In the four years I've known him, he's had gastro twice and a knee arthroscope that meant a longer Easter break one year.
I've had a lot of trouble with breaks and illnesses because of pervasive abandonment issues. I've actually been really angry ungrateful and not overly empathic in those situations. My T has usually been very understanding and accepting of my reaction. Part of my irrational fear is that my parents died when I was young so I'm convinced anyone I attach to strongly will also end up dead prematurely.
T's being sick can really provoke fears of abandonment, fears our needs will drown or push them way or that they've been contaminated by or are so disgusted with us that T's made them sick.
Contacting her would not be selfish. You almost sound ashamed of having needs or that the needs you have are wrong. I can promise you that it's human and healthy to have needs and your needs are perfectly legitimate. Your T is probably aware of how difficult a time it is for her patients and I imagine she will be happy to reassure you that she's ok, the relationship is ok and she's still there for you and continues to hold a special place in her mind for you alone.
Hugs to you in this difficult time xx
My T is a medical doctor and seems to have an excellent grasp on his own personal limits.
In the four years I've known him, he's had gastro twice and a knee arthroscope that meant a longer Easter break one year.
I've had a lot of trouble with breaks and illnesses because of pervasive abandonment issues. I've actually been really angry ungrateful and not overly empathic in those situations. My T has usually been very understanding and accepting of my reaction. Part of my irrational fear is that my parents died when I was young so I'm convinced anyone I attach to strongly will also end up dead prematurely.
T's being sick can really provoke fears of abandonment, fears our needs will drown or push them way or that they've been contaminated by or are so disgusted with us that T's made them sick.
Contacting her would not be selfish. You almost sound ashamed of having needs or that the needs you have are wrong. I can promise you that it's human and healthy to have needs and your needs are perfectly legitimate. Your T is probably aware of how difficult a time it is for her patients and I imagine she will be happy to reassure you that she's ok, the relationship is ok and she's still there for you and continues to hold a special place in her mind for you alone.
Hugs to you in this difficult time xx
greeneyes!! thank you!! you have no idea how much this means to me...
i will read your words again and again and try to take it in.
puppet
i will read your words again and again and try to take it in.
puppet
My pleasure glad it helped
Hi,
I sympathise completly, I am terrible when T is sick.
My T is pregnant and when she was sick a couple of weeks ago I was panicking that it was something serious and she would be off for the rst of her pregnancy. I was able to send a message to her office and was told it was just a stomach bug. I was relieved at first, quicklyy followed by anger that she cancelled my appointment!
She knows what to expect now, I am always upset with her for cancelling even though I know she would not unless she really felt she could not manage. But I tell her when she is back and she accepts it and says I have no need to feel guilty about it, it is just how I feel!
She is planning to take 5 weeks leave when the baby is born and I keep telling her she does not need that long as she is only going to work one day a week! She laughs with me and has said she will restart as soon as she feels she can manage and is rested enough to do her job properly.But she has said we can have regular e-mail contact during this time and maybe one appointment.
I think it is Ok to write and tell T how you feel, your relationship is part of the therapy, and I am sure she would like to reasure you as much as she can.
I sympathise completly, I am terrible when T is sick.
My T is pregnant and when she was sick a couple of weeks ago I was panicking that it was something serious and she would be off for the rst of her pregnancy. I was able to send a message to her office and was told it was just a stomach bug. I was relieved at first, quicklyy followed by anger that she cancelled my appointment!
She knows what to expect now, I am always upset with her for cancelling even though I know she would not unless she really felt she could not manage. But I tell her when she is back and she accepts it and says I have no need to feel guilty about it, it is just how I feel!
She is planning to take 5 weeks leave when the baby is born and I keep telling her she does not need that long as she is only going to work one day a week! She laughs with me and has said she will restart as soon as she feels she can manage and is rested enough to do her job properly.But she has said we can have regular e-mail contact during this time and maybe one appointment.
I think it is Ok to write and tell T how you feel, your relationship is part of the therapy, and I am sure she would like to reasure you as much as she can.
hi starlight!
thank you for sharing and for helping to make me feel more normal. it sounds really tough with your T being pregnant, but she sounds wise and self aware of what her limits are and what you need and has a plan in place. I just hope it won't be too painful for you, i know i woulndn't cope very well if my T had a baby!
UPDATE: i emailed her... and now i cringe about it... it was just a short email and i also said that i hope she's ok and has someone to look after her........
well, now the anger has come out as well... to add to the fun mix of feelings!
but it's really helpful to know i'm not alone in feeling like this, so thank you both again!
puppet
thank you for sharing and for helping to make me feel more normal. it sounds really tough with your T being pregnant, but she sounds wise and self aware of what her limits are and what you need and has a plan in place. I just hope it won't be too painful for you, i know i woulndn't cope very well if my T had a baby!
UPDATE: i emailed her... and now i cringe about it... it was just a short email and i also said that i hope she's ok and has someone to look after her........
well, now the anger has come out as well... to add to the fun mix of feelings!
but it's really helpful to know i'm not alone in feeling like this, so thank you both again!
puppet
Hi,
I think she will appreciate your e-mail and don't feel guilty about the anger!! It is normal. T's are so important to us!
I think she will appreciate your e-mail and don't feel guilty about the anger!! It is normal. T's are so important to us!
Hi,
Just wanted to add. I have good and bad days when it comes to T's pregnancy. But we have talked about it from the beginning and she has said she understands how difficult it is for me and I am free to say and ask whatever I want and she will be honest with me. At first I said I could not manage, although I wanted to stay with her, I found all the uncertainties making me so anxious. She said she would understand if I wanted to change, but she felt we had a good relationship and if we get through these months we will come out with a stronger relationship in the end.
It is 4 1/2 months since she told me and still 3 months to go , but we are still ok.
Just wanted to add. I have good and bad days when it comes to T's pregnancy. But we have talked about it from the beginning and she has said she understands how difficult it is for me and I am free to say and ask whatever I want and she will be honest with me. At first I said I could not manage, although I wanted to stay with her, I found all the uncertainties making me so anxious. She said she would understand if I wanted to change, but she felt we had a good relationship and if we get through these months we will come out with a stronger relationship in the end.
It is 4 1/2 months since she told me and still 3 months to go , but we are still ok.
hi starlight,
i think its good that you can talk about it and she is being open about it, otherwise you might worry even more. it is strange though, isnt it, finding out more about our Ts, that they are human...like us..... my T never self disclosed anything and i wasnt expecting her to tell me why she was taking an unexpected longer break, but she did, it was a shock, but i think i feel better knowing. except now i feel like i dont know enough and how do you draw the line between how much you need to know and what is her personal stuff... i dont think i want to know too much, its kinda scary as well. i feel like if she told me what her operation was for, i might worry more, or feel pain in that part of my body.
puppet
i think its good that you can talk about it and she is being open about it, otherwise you might worry even more. it is strange though, isnt it, finding out more about our Ts, that they are human...like us..... my T never self disclosed anything and i wasnt expecting her to tell me why she was taking an unexpected longer break, but she did, it was a shock, but i think i feel better knowing. except now i feel like i dont know enough and how do you draw the line between how much you need to know and what is her personal stuff... i dont think i want to know too much, its kinda scary as well. i feel like if she told me what her operation was for, i might worry more, or feel pain in that part of my body.
puppet
Hi Puppet,
That is exactly what is so confusing, seeing T as a human being! When I started with her she had just returned from maternity leave and had a 1 year old, but it is quite different seeing her pregnant.
She has always said that she feels it is impossible to completely seperate her private life from her work. She has had to cancel before because her child was sick, and she told me that it may happen again.
In this case she sees that her pregnancy has a huge impact on me. I am having to change from free therapy to private and applying for state reimburment in order to stay with her. It is causing me a lot of stress and she wants to help by being as open as possible and keeping me informed of any changes.
I have told her sometimes i am curious about things, but don't want to ask in case she fels obliged to answer when se does not want to. She says not to overthink things. If I want to ask, just ask and she will answer and explin why if she feels she cannot.
Sometimes I wish she wasn't such a good T, then I would just change to someone else and avoid all the anxiety of these few months!
But she is worth it and she is willing to help me through the changes.
That is exactly what is so confusing, seeing T as a human being! When I started with her she had just returned from maternity leave and had a 1 year old, but it is quite different seeing her pregnant.
She has always said that she feels it is impossible to completely seperate her private life from her work. She has had to cancel before because her child was sick, and she told me that it may happen again.
In this case she sees that her pregnancy has a huge impact on me. I am having to change from free therapy to private and applying for state reimburment in order to stay with her. It is causing me a lot of stress and she wants to help by being as open as possible and keeping me informed of any changes.
I have told her sometimes i am curious about things, but don't want to ask in case she fels obliged to answer when se does not want to. She says not to overthink things. If I want to ask, just ask and she will answer and explin why if she feels she cannot.
Sometimes I wish she wasn't such a good T, then I would just change to someone else and avoid all the anxiety of these few months!
But she is worth it and she is willing to help me through the changes.
glad u feel she is worth it starlight!
puppet
puppet
Hi Puppet,
Try to stay calm, I am sure T is ok and just recovering.
There are lots of reasons why she may not have replied. Could be just that she does not have access to office e-mail at home. Could be she is just not mobile yet and cannot get to her computer.
One thing is sure if the situation was serious she would have arranged for her clients to be notified.
Try to stay calm, I am sure T is ok and just recovering.
There are lots of reasons why she may not have replied. Could be just that she does not have access to office e-mail at home. Could be she is just not mobile yet and cannot get to her computer.
One thing is sure if the situation was serious she would have arranged for her clients to be notified.
thank you starlight! its so nice to have a reply so quickly and you were so reassuring!
maybe you're right, it could be that she's not mobile yet (hard to imagine and a scary thought.. but as long as she's ok and being looked after) she works from home but her T room is upstairs, maybe the same for her computer..... and she's not the type to have a tablet or anything fancy like that....which means it might be ages till i hear back.
your last sentence means a lot!! i wasnt sure if Ts would worry about clients too much in a serious situation.
puppet
maybe you're right, it could be that she's not mobile yet (hard to imagine and a scary thought.. but as long as she's ok and being looked after) she works from home but her T room is upstairs, maybe the same for her computer..... and she's not the type to have a tablet or anything fancy like that....which means it might be ages till i hear back.
your last sentence means a lot!! i wasnt sure if Ts would worry about clients too much in a serious situation.
puppet
Now you got me thinking about how my T is going to notify me when she has her baby.
I am worrying about that because I will see her weekly up until then, but of course baby can be early (mine was 12 weeks earky)so it will probably be a last minute cancellation and then no T for 5 weeks.
No chance to say goodbye before the break. Maybe as it gets nearer we need to say a proper goodbye in case it comes before the next appointment!
At least she has time to plan in advance how she will get a message to me.
It is too early to worry about it yet, but of course I am.
Hope you here something soon Puppet.
I am worrying about that because I will see her weekly up until then, but of course baby can be early (mine was 12 weeks earky)so it will probably be a last minute cancellation and then no T for 5 weeks.
No chance to say goodbye before the break. Maybe as it gets nearer we need to say a proper goodbye in case it comes before the next appointment!
At least she has time to plan in advance how she will get a message to me.
It is too early to worry about it yet, but of course I am.
Hope you here something soon Puppet.
aww starlight!... sorry to hear you are worrying too. it's really hard isn't it? we get used to them being there and professional and all about us (which is really hard to trust in itself!), and when unexpected things happen and they can't be there anymore...it's like freefalling through the abandonment abyss!
it sounds like it will be a good talk to have and plan ahead.
i haven't heard anything - and, to cope, i have completely DISCONNECTED from her.... now i feel like i dont care if she is alive or dead because to me she doesn't exist anymore...... don't know if this is good or bad... but seems the way to cope at the moment.
puppet
it sounds like it will be a good talk to have and plan ahead.
i haven't heard anything - and, to cope, i have completely DISCONNECTED from her.... now i feel like i dont care if she is alive or dead because to me she doesn't exist anymore...... don't know if this is good or bad... but seems the way to cope at the moment.
puppet
thanks irishgirl! i dont feel very 'sweet' at the moment... and i used to switch between worrying about her and hating her..... now i feel nothing. well, i guess i had to have a break too.
thank you for the hugs!
puppet
thank you for the hugs!
puppet
Just came from T. She said she had some news about her private therapy on Friday and had wanted to phone me. I thought Wow T phoning me, but why didn't you.
So I asked why she did not and she said because she was at home and did not have my number with her.
So I then said , "what about when you have your baby, how are you going to tell me?"
She said, but I have your number in my office, looking puzzled.
So I said, "so when you are on your way to the hospital you are going to pass by your office to get my phone number!"
Oh! she said laughing, " I had not thought about giving birth yet! I will put you number in my phone."
So problem solved. But I laughed at the idea of T in labour, saying to her husband , "I have to go to the office first to phone my patient!"
I wonder, would her husband understand or think she was crazy!
So I asked why she did not and she said because she was at home and did not have my number with her.
So I then said , "what about when you have your baby, how are you going to tell me?"
She said, but I have your number in my office, looking puzzled.
So I said, "so when you are on your way to the hospital you are going to pass by your office to get my phone number!"
Oh! she said laughing, " I had not thought about giving birth yet! I will put you number in my phone."
So problem solved. But I laughed at the idea of T in labour, saying to her husband , "I have to go to the office first to phone my patient!"
I wonder, would her husband understand or think she was crazy!
thanks for the hugs sweet poppet!
now i've gone from numb to excrutiating pain and now i'm exhausted, need to forget again and sleep.
starlight, i'm glad you two can laugh about it too... but glad she has your number now, hope it eased your worries.
puppet
now i've gone from numb to excrutiating pain and now i'm exhausted, need to forget again and sleep.
starlight, i'm glad you two can laugh about it too... but glad she has your number now, hope it eased your worries.
puppet
Hi Puppet,
I actually sent her a text message when I got home so that my number was in her phone. She replied that she had saved it now so not to worry.
Don't feel guilty about alternating between worrying about T to hating her. I still cannot feel happy for T about her pregnancy. I like her so much and I know if it was anyone else i knew who was pregnant I would feel pleased and excited for them. But I just cannot get past all the stress and anxity it has caused me and still is.She is now 28 weeks and my own son was born at 28 weeks, so I am thinking about the approaching birth more than her.
She says it is Ok to feel whatever I feel and she understands.
Hope you get news of T soon.
Thinking of you.
I actually sent her a text message when I got home so that my number was in her phone. She replied that she had saved it now so not to worry.
Don't feel guilty about alternating between worrying about T to hating her. I still cannot feel happy for T about her pregnancy. I like her so much and I know if it was anyone else i knew who was pregnant I would feel pleased and excited for them. But I just cannot get past all the stress and anxity it has caused me and still is.She is now 28 weeks and my own son was born at 28 weeks, so I am thinking about the approaching birth more than her.
She says it is Ok to feel whatever I feel and she understands.
Hope you get news of T soon.
Thinking of you.
hi starlight,
sorry for the late reply... this week has killed me and now its the weekend again with too much time to think.....
i'm sorry you feel the guilt too... i really hate it! i think its good that you and your T keep talking about it, i dont think it will detract from your therapy, rather it will add to it. and i think it will bring your 'issues' (for lack of a better word) in sharper focus, even if it feels like maybe its distracting from your real issues.
i guess that's what i'm hoping for mine as well... if she passes the test, i will trust her a little more. the test being that she wont make this about her and she will still keep the focus on me.
UPDATE - its been 2 weeks since i emailed and i havent heard back!... so i finally got the courage to call and left a voice mail message. Round 2 of waiting begins...... i hid my phone in the sock drawer and i think i'll go do something to distract myself.
no need to reply really... i'm really grateful for this forum, i dont know how i would have coped otherwise...
puppet
sorry for the late reply... this week has killed me and now its the weekend again with too much time to think.....
i'm sorry you feel the guilt too... i really hate it! i think its good that you and your T keep talking about it, i dont think it will detract from your therapy, rather it will add to it. and i think it will bring your 'issues' (for lack of a better word) in sharper focus, even if it feels like maybe its distracting from your real issues.
i guess that's what i'm hoping for mine as well... if she passes the test, i will trust her a little more. the test being that she wont make this about her and she will still keep the focus on me.
UPDATE - its been 2 weeks since i emailed and i havent heard back!... so i finally got the courage to call and left a voice mail message. Round 2 of waiting begins......
i hid my phone in the sock drawer and i think i'll go do something to distract myself.no need to reply really... i'm really grateful for this forum, i dont know how i would have coped otherwise...
puppet
thank you poppet for your hugs and for understanding!
i'm still waiting.......
2 days since i called
2 weeks and 2 days since my email
3 weeks and 2 days till my next appointment....
i can't do this anymore
sorry to keep going on about it.... but you guys are the only ones who i can talk to about this......
puppet
i'm still waiting.......
2 days since i called
2 weeks and 2 days since my email
3 weeks and 2 days till my next appointment....
i can't do this anymore
sorry to keep going on about it.... but you guys are the only ones who i can talk to about this......
puppet
x
thank you luci!
Big hugs puppet, I would be going crazy in your position
puppet xx
xx
thank you so much GE, irishgirl, pingles!
today i'm feeling more positive - in the fact that maybe its not that she doesnt care but maybe she is too sick to email / call.... but this is also negative as it worries me, so i'm trying not to think about scenarios....
puppet
today i'm feeling more positive - in the fact that maybe its not that she doesnt care but maybe she is too sick to email / call.... but this is also negative as it worries me, so i'm trying not to think about scenarios....
puppet