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((((PUPPET))))
I totally understand about wanting to see your T more. I haven't ended an important therapy relationship and so am kind of clueless there. It sounds like you need to talk to her more about it. Try to make the most of your next 2 sessions. Good luck. I'll be thinking about you.
I totally understand about wanting to see your T more. I haven't ended an important therapy relationship and so am kind of clueless there. It sounds like you need to talk to her more about it. Try to make the most of your next 2 sessions. Good luck. I'll be thinking about you.
I had pastor, he moved away. He was almost like counselor or mentor. We knew he was going to move away 3 months before he did. It was really hard. There was a friend of mine, she moved away 2 weeks after she told others she was moving away. It was not as hard even though we were much closer friends and I miss her deeply. Sometimes knowing and waiting for an ending brings anticipation of pain to happen later on. It helped to have time to say goodbye to the pastor but it had drawbacks. There has been huge downside to my friend leaving fast too. When my friend left, it feels more like pain of abandonment mixed with missing her.
It would be hard for me to know any relationship would end 1 year from now. I think it would always feel like pressure that time was running out even if there was much time. Something agencies do for children in transitions is provide stable things outside of what is changing. Consistency helps, even if only consistent blanket or mentor. Maybe starting to find a new T might help. It sounds like she is already wind down her practice. That is painful. Endings are very hard. I wish I knew of good ways to handle them, but I do not. I want to tell you that I can relate very much.
Lost
It would be hard for me to know any relationship would end 1 year from now. I think it would always feel like pressure that time was running out even if there was much time. Something agencies do for children in transitions is provide stable things outside of what is changing. Consistency helps, even if only consistent blanket or mentor. Maybe starting to find a new T might help. It sounds like she is already wind down her practice. That is painful. Endings are very hard. I wish I knew of good ways to handle them, but I do not. I want to tell you that I can relate very much.
Lost
(((puppet)))
How I feel for you. When I started seeing my T, 16 months ago, I knew it would be "short", since I knew I would have to leave the country. I am already staying one more year than I had planned. But I will leave in 6 months.
I will have to lose my T in 6 months. And it hurts like hell. And I know I can't do anything about it. Just like you, I asked for more sessions, because I am terrified by how soon this deadline will arrive. And my T has said yes (but only temporarily, in the "crisis times").
So... trying to find how to cope with it? Well... I have to tell you, I don't know. I draw a lot. Obsessively. On the topic of loss. I... bought some things that my T has, so I could keep "something" from her. And... I talk about it with her.
I guess my answer is quite useless, because it is just "it hurts like hell and you are not alone". Knowing in advance does not help that much. But at least, the pain won't be a surprise.
Take care, I am sorry I don't have a better answer, and... actually, being in a quite similar position may lead me to be more panicked than helpful, in which case I hope you'll accept my apologies.
How I feel for you. When I started seeing my T, 16 months ago, I knew it would be "short", since I knew I would have to leave the country. I am already staying one more year than I had planned. But I will leave in 6 months.
I will have to lose my T in 6 months. And it hurts like hell. And I know I can't do anything about it. Just like you, I asked for more sessions, because I am terrified by how soon this deadline will arrive. And my T has said yes (but only temporarily, in the "crisis times").
So... trying to find how to cope with it? Well... I have to tell you, I don't know. I draw a lot. Obsessively. On the topic of loss. I... bought some things that my T has, so I could keep "something" from her. And... I talk about it with her.
I guess my answer is quite useless, because it is just "it hurts like hell and you are not alone". Knowing in advance does not help that much. But at least, the pain won't be a surprise.
Take care, I am sorry I don't have a better answer, and... actually, being in a quite similar position may lead me to be more panicked than helpful, in which case I hope you'll accept my apologies.
Hi Puppet,
I haven't posted much recently but have been struggling with issues that are similar to what you are going through.
I doubt my P will be practicing many more years because he's well beyond the normal retirement age. He wants to continue working, so there's not a definite time frame for ending, but I realize, at his age, his practice could end suddenly. I have spoken to him about my fears in facing the end, and the conversations have really helped most of the time, except for once when he said he hoped I would be happy at the end! I was too speechless to reply, how could I possibly ever be happy to say good-bye to someone I care so much for.
We've talked about how all relationships come to an end, usually beyond our control, and experiencing loss is something we must face in our lives. These conversations have helped me realize that he isn't looking forward to ending his practice which has helped me be more accepting of the inevitable.
The other issue is more difficult and complicated, causing me a lot of pain at the moment. I think it's always painful when a therapist rescinds an offer, changes the boundaries or circumstances, which can lead to an erosion of trust. Recently, due to my work schedule, I've had to cut back on how often I see my P and initially I felt he was working with me on this, trying to find time within his schedule to work me in.
Then I made the mistake of asking him a question about how he schedules with me and from that day on, he turned over my scheduling to his secretary. He's given me different reasons for doing this, but the end result has left me feeling like I crossed a boundary by asking a question, and my trust is about out the door at the moment!
If I were you, I'd ask your T for the exact reason she changed her mind. You said it seems to be due to her plans for retirement, but if you know for sure, that may help. Also in asking, it may allow you to express your need of seeing her more often before she retires. Or maybe when other clients leave the practice, you could take a time spot for extra appointments now and then?
I know it's hard to press for answers because I've been trying and still feel confused, so I hope you are able to get some answers and relief from your pain before Christmas.
Summer
I haven't posted much recently but have been struggling with issues that are similar to what you are going through.
I doubt my P will be practicing many more years because he's well beyond the normal retirement age. He wants to continue working, so there's not a definite time frame for ending, but I realize, at his age, his practice could end suddenly. I have spoken to him about my fears in facing the end, and the conversations have really helped most of the time, except for once when he said he hoped I would be happy at the end! I was too speechless to reply, how could I possibly ever be happy to say good-bye to someone I care so much for.
We've talked about how all relationships come to an end, usually beyond our control, and experiencing loss is something we must face in our lives. These conversations have helped me realize that he isn't looking forward to ending his practice which has helped me be more accepting of the inevitable.
The other issue is more difficult and complicated, causing me a lot of pain at the moment. I think it's always painful when a therapist rescinds an offer, changes the boundaries or circumstances, which can lead to an erosion of trust. Recently, due to my work schedule, I've had to cut back on how often I see my P and initially I felt he was working with me on this, trying to find time within his schedule to work me in.
Then I made the mistake of asking him a question about how he schedules with me and from that day on, he turned over my scheduling to his secretary. He's given me different reasons for doing this, but the end result has left me feeling like I crossed a boundary by asking a question, and my trust is about out the door at the moment!
If I were you, I'd ask your T for the exact reason she changed her mind. You said it seems to be due to her plans for retirement, but if you know for sure, that may help. Also in asking, it may allow you to express your need of seeing her more often before she retires. Or maybe when other clients leave the practice, you could take a time spot for extra appointments now and then?
I know it's hard to press for answers because I've been trying and still feel confused, so I hope you are able to get some answers and relief from your pain before Christmas.
Summer
(((puppet)))
I'm so glad you posted, and hope you won't feel badly for doing so. You deserve to have your voice heard
So first off, this answer is coming from a sort of raw place, so I hope it is coherent and at least somewhat helpful. And please remember that it is purely my perspective from my circumstances, so it may or may not be the right fit for you.
In work with my last t, at the onset of working together I knew he would be gone in one year, at least graduating from the clinic I saw him, and a good chance moving out of state altogether. I really feel for you, because I know that time frame is immensely distressing. (as if therapy isn't distressing enough!)
Just like you, I started having very strong feelings about increasing appointments to "double the time", and discussed it at length. It was about the most important thing in the world to me. And like you, I was promised that this would happen, and for a short time it did. But then it was taken away due to 'schedule changing' and I was devastated. It ruptured trust, and if it had never been given in the first place that would have been easier to tolerate.
The difference in my case was, at a later point it was offered to me again, and I turned it down. (By that point there was so much chaos going on in our relationship the second appointment was no longer a priority, but I digress...) But a small part of the refusal was the hurt over the initial breach of trust I think.
So saying goodbye... that's such a big question. And I really feel it has everything to do with your personal situation and relationship with T. Each goodbye is very unique, and feels differently for each person. The goodbye's I had with T1 and T2 were known far in advance, and gently planned up to that point. They consisted of grieving together, celebrating what good was accomplished, symbolic gifts to maintain a sense of connection. Truthfully the actual experience is hard to capture in words. Then there are goodbyes like with my last T which are more sudden and jolting, and difficult to process.
But the key I've learned in each experience, is to gently allow yourself to feel the pain of it, and if at all possible do so with T. I think part of this pain is in the here and now, and the intensity of it can come from the past, as you said 'little you' is clinging to someone who fills symbolic and real needs. That is some powerful stuff to come to terms with. Attachment pain is just awful.
As far as increasing session frequency... fwiw, I felt this made things harder for me. It deeply increased my anxiety to be that much closer to T instead of lessening it, or feeling like I was making up for the approaching deadline. But that could be different for each person too.
I personally feel that when a deadline like this is put out there, it overshadows the work you are originally there to do so much, that the sessions become consumed with anxiety about saying goodbye. At that point, it seems almost unavoidable to begin processing the goodbye together. Speaking about the hurt together, can be healing. Being open and honest about your feelings and pain.
And looking for what's next, can also take some of the sting out of the situation. Seeking who you could work with when you go back home, if you choose to continue therapy, might lessen the anxiety a bit. Planning what you want to look forward to in your life, who you would like to connect with, what goals would you like to pursue?
But for all of this big stuff, I think waiting until after the break would be your best bet. Opening up something too heavy right before breaks can really be difficult.
I'm very sorry for your pain and I hope T will guide you through this gently
I'm so glad you posted, and hope you won't feel badly for doing so. You deserve to have your voice heard
So first off, this answer is coming from a sort of raw place, so I hope it is coherent and at least somewhat helpful. And please remember that it is purely my perspective from my circumstances, so it may or may not be the right fit for you.
In work with my last t, at the onset of working together I knew he would be gone in one year, at least graduating from the clinic I saw him, and a good chance moving out of state altogether. I really feel for you, because I know that time frame is immensely distressing. (as if therapy isn't distressing enough!)
Just like you, I started having very strong feelings about increasing appointments to "double the time", and discussed it at length. It was about the most important thing in the world to me. And like you, I was promised that this would happen, and for a short time it did. But then it was taken away due to 'schedule changing' and I was devastated. It ruptured trust, and if it had never been given in the first place that would have been easier to tolerate.
The difference in my case was, at a later point it was offered to me again, and I turned it down. (By that point there was so much chaos going on in our relationship the second appointment was no longer a priority, but I digress...) But a small part of the refusal was the hurt over the initial breach of trust I think.
So saying goodbye... that's such a big question. And I really feel it has everything to do with your personal situation and relationship with T. Each goodbye is very unique, and feels differently for each person. The goodbye's I had with T1 and T2 were known far in advance, and gently planned up to that point. They consisted of grieving together, celebrating what good was accomplished, symbolic gifts to maintain a sense of connection. Truthfully the actual experience is hard to capture in words. Then there are goodbyes like with my last T which are more sudden and jolting, and difficult to process.
But the key I've learned in each experience, is to gently allow yourself to feel the pain of it, and if at all possible do so with T. I think part of this pain is in the here and now, and the intensity of it can come from the past, as you said 'little you' is clinging to someone who fills symbolic and real needs. That is some powerful stuff to come to terms with. Attachment pain is just awful.
As far as increasing session frequency... fwiw, I felt this made things harder for me. It deeply increased my anxiety to be that much closer to T instead of lessening it, or feeling like I was making up for the approaching deadline. But that could be different for each person too.
I personally feel that when a deadline like this is put out there, it overshadows the work you are originally there to do so much, that the sessions become consumed with anxiety about saying goodbye. At that point, it seems almost unavoidable to begin processing the goodbye together. Speaking about the hurt together, can be healing. Being open and honest about your feelings and pain.
And looking for what's next, can also take some of the sting out of the situation. Seeking who you could work with when you go back home, if you choose to continue therapy, might lessen the anxiety a bit. Planning what you want to look forward to in your life, who you would like to connect with, what goals would you like to pursue?
But for all of this big stuff, I think waiting until after the break would be your best bet. Opening up something too heavy right before breaks can really be difficult.
I'm very sorry for your pain and I hope T will guide you through this gently
hi liese,
thank you for the hugs and for being the first to reply! and for thinking of me
hi lost,
i'm sorry you know this pain too having two important people leaving must be double painful too. i like what you say about trying to provide some consistency or something stable, and i like that you talk about children - because i think it is my 'inner child' who is really suffering here. thank you for sharing, i'm sorry you relate but it helps a little to know i'm not alone (& not going crazy).
hi about,
i'm sorry you relate too! even knowing in advance its crazy how it still hits you like an unexpected blow. i think i've been more in denial though, and now it really hit me! sounds like you have been thinking about this more, already processing and grieving the loss. i hope it will make it easier in the long run. i think i've seen some of your 'loss' drawings, beautiful and painful. and i read the thread on the shoes, i think its a great thing to keep! (as a T she is learning to walk in your shoes, to understand you, and you will also walk in her shoes, in terms of what you have learned from her). hope it gets easier...eventually!
hi summer,
its hard to face your T/P getting older and retiring, it feels like an abandonment that is hard to explain/ comprehend - to me at least, i just dont see my T as that old (late 60s i think). i have asked more questions, but i got to a point where i said i dont want to know more - i told her that i was afraid that she is sick (but asked her not to reply as i have too much to deal with right now). she said there's no reason for me to worry about her health (not sure if it means there is no health issue, or nothing too bad, or i shouldnt worry about it) and made a comment about being older than i think she is. she did say she is planning to retire in 2-3 years. so this is what i have so far, and i'm afraid to learn more. getting another appt even if other clients leave wont be possible as she only works one afternoon now (and i'm not able to make it during the day due to my work hours).
i'm not sure why your P changed the way he schedules just because you asked him a question? maybe he has always done that but you just didnt know? does it make any difference in terms of what appointments are available, whether its your P or his secretary who does it? although i would also feel betrayed by him getting someone else to do it i also hope you can talk this through and feel better about it.
hi armored heart,
i'm sorry for another thing that your exT did to hurt you! i am already deeply biased here and hate your exT but am feeling more forgiving towards my own T. i dont think she meant to take it back, and it was only a possibility and then it became no longer possible. in saying that, i am pretty angry at her, because she cant say things like that and expect me not to put all my hopes and dreams into one little possibility! and good on you for turning it down, i think it takes strength and guts! and thank you for saying the more frequent sessions made it harder, it makes sense actually, but its not something i had thought of (wasnt thinking so practically about this, it was more an intense need).
yep... pain is gonna be my friend... ughhh... i'm pretty good at denial and stuffing things back in, so i'm gonna have to work extra (extremeeelyyy) hard to do this properly, rather than just run away.... currently i am sooooo angry at her, the pain only comes in very brief spasms, and then i am just angry again.
you are right, i cant even think about what else i want to work on right now... in a way it seems like wasted time, but maybe it is not.. saying goodbye, properly, might be part of many things i have to work on. gosh, i'm so over this... already in denial mode.....
thank you for sharing!
everyone!
puppet
thank you for the hugs and for being the first to reply! and for thinking of me
hi lost,
i'm sorry you know this pain too
having two important people leaving must be double painful too. i like what you say about trying to provide some consistency or something stable, and i like that you talk about children - because i think it is my 'inner child' who is really suffering here. thank you for sharing, i'm sorry you relate but it helps a little to know i'm not alone (& not going crazy).hi about,
i'm sorry you relate too! even knowing in advance its crazy how it still hits you like an unexpected blow. i think i've been more in denial though, and now it really hit me! sounds like you have been thinking about this more, already processing and grieving the loss. i hope it will make it easier in the long run. i think i've seen some of your 'loss' drawings, beautiful and painful. and i read the thread on the shoes, i think its a great thing to keep! (as a T she is learning to walk in your shoes, to understand you, and you will also walk in her shoes, in terms of what you have learned from her). hope it gets easier...eventually!
hi summer,
its hard to face your T/P getting older and retiring, it feels like an abandonment that is hard to explain/ comprehend - to me at least, i just dont see my T as that old (late 60s i think). i have asked more questions, but i got to a point where i said i dont want to know more - i told her that i was afraid that she is sick (but asked her not to reply as i have too much to deal with right now). she said there's no reason for me to worry about her health (not sure if it means there is no health issue, or nothing too bad, or i shouldnt worry about it) and made a comment about being older than i think she is. she did say she is planning to retire in 2-3 years. so this is what i have so far, and i'm afraid to learn more. getting another appt even if other clients leave wont be possible as she only works one afternoon now (and i'm not able to make it during the day due to my work hours).
i'm not sure why your P changed the way he schedules just because you asked him a question? maybe he has always done that but you just didnt know? does it make any difference in terms of what appointments are available, whether its your P or his secretary who does it? although i would also feel betrayed by him getting someone else to do it
i also hope you can talk this through and feel better about it.hi armored heart,
i'm sorry for another thing that your exT did to hurt you! i am already deeply biased here and hate your exT but am feeling more forgiving towards my own T. i dont think she meant to take it back, and it was only a possibility and then it became no longer possible. in saying that, i am pretty angry at her, because she cant say things like that and expect me not to put all my hopes and dreams into one little possibility! and good on you for turning it down, i think it takes strength and guts! and thank you for saying the more frequent sessions made it harder, it makes sense actually, but its not something i had thought of (wasnt thinking so practically about this, it was more an intense need).
yep... pain is gonna be my friend... ughhh... i'm pretty good at denial and stuffing things back in, so i'm gonna have to work extra (extremeeelyyy) hard to do this properly, rather than just run away.... currently i am sooooo angry at her, the pain only comes in very brief spasms, and then i am just angry again.
you are right, i cant even think about what else i want to work on right now... in a way it seems like wasted time, but maybe it is not.. saying goodbye, properly, might be part of many things i have to work on. gosh, i'm so over this... already in denial mode.....
thank you for sharing!
everyone!puppet
Hi Puppet,
Having a T or P retire is a very hard thing to deal with because you want to wish them well, but at the same time it feels like abandonment. I went through it once before and that P did not prepare me at all. In fact, he called me up to say he was retiring!
So at least your T is trying to prepare ahead which shows that she is being considerate and thoughtful, even though she didn't keep her promise of an extra appt. I can understand why you wouldn't want to ask too many questions if it would only make you worry about her health. Maybe just focus on expressing the feelings you are facing with the disappointment over the lack of an extra appointment and everything you are feeling about her retirement.
I've rarely been able to schedule regular appts with my P and now it's even more complicated when going through his secretary. For example, he told me after a session to stop by her desk and ask her to check his availability but she wasn't even working that afternoon. I'm not sure what's going on because he could have easily pulled out his calendar and checked for himself. I'm hoping to get some answers soon.
Summer
Having a T or P retire is a very hard thing to deal with because you want to wish them well, but at the same time it feels like abandonment. I went through it once before and that P did not prepare me at all. In fact, he called me up to say he was retiring!
So at least your T is trying to prepare ahead which shows that she is being considerate and thoughtful, even though she didn't keep her promise of an extra appt. I can understand why you wouldn't want to ask too many questions if it would only make you worry about her health. Maybe just focus on expressing the feelings you are facing with the disappointment over the lack of an extra appointment and everything you are feeling about her retirement.
I've rarely been able to schedule regular appts with my P and now it's even more complicated when going through his secretary. For example, he told me after a session to stop by her desk and ask her to check his availability but she wasn't even working that afternoon. I'm not sure what's going on because he could have easily pulled out his calendar and checked for himself. I'm hoping to get some answers soon.
Summer
hi summer,
sorry for being late to reply. i'm sorry you've been through this before, especially so unexpected with no time to prepare
do you think your P is also trying to cut down on his hours but hasn't told you this yet? if he is doing that, he should be more honest about it, rather than make scheduling someone else's problem.
i was able to say some things at my session, about how i'm still angry with her and that i dont trust her and dont believe anything she says anymore. there's still SOOO much more to say, but i only have one more session before the break and i dont want to put too much pressure on myself. although, it will be a shame if all these feelings will go unheard, when she is the one they are addressed to... but i guess, we'll see next week...
puppet
sorry for being late to reply. i'm sorry you've been through this before, especially so unexpected with no time to prepare
do you think your P is also trying to cut down on his hours but hasn't told you this yet? if he is doing that, he should be more honest about it, rather than make scheduling someone else's problem.
i was able to say some things at my session, about how i'm still angry with her and that i dont trust her and dont believe anything she says anymore. there's still SOOO much more to say, but i only have one more session before the break and i dont want to put too much pressure on myself. although, it will be a shame if all these feelings will go unheard, when she is the one they are addressed to... but i guess, we'll see next week...
puppet
Hi Puppet,
Will you have a long break after your session this week? I know it's hard to start a break when dealing with such intense feelings. How did she react when you said you don't trust her? Is she willing to work through this with you and be open about her plans for retirement?
My P doesn't appear to be cutting back on his hours and I just have a feeling when he retires, it will happen suddenly.
We talked about my feelings with the scheduling problems and he has agreed to work with me on this, but he also said that he believes I'm hypersensitive to many of his comments, causing myself unnecessary anxiety. I think it seems normal, within therapy, to be very sensitive to what a T or P says because it's such an emotionally intense relationship.
I hope you have a good session this week that alleviates some of this pain before your break.
Summer
Will you have a long break after your session this week? I know it's hard to start a break when dealing with such intense feelings. How did she react when you said you don't trust her? Is she willing to work through this with you and be open about her plans for retirement?
My P doesn't appear to be cutting back on his hours and I just have a feeling when he retires, it will happen suddenly.
We talked about my feelings with the scheduling problems and he has agreed to work with me on this, but he also said that he believes I'm hypersensitive to many of his comments, causing myself unnecessary anxiety. I think it seems normal, within therapy, to be very sensitive to what a T or P says because it's such an emotionally intense relationship.
I hope you have a good session this week that alleviates some of this pain before your break.
Summer
((PUPPET)) I am sorry you have lost trust in your T, but I can really see why. I also have a big lack of trust in my T, and it makes it difficult to heal. T's have a lot of power when it comes to their Clients feelings, so when they take back their promises, it can be destructive. I hope you can write down everything you want your T to know and give it to her at your next session. If you don't get through everything you want to say verbally to her, at least its on paper, and she will be able to read it and know what you feel, even if its after the session. Hopefully your T will learn from this, and you can have some peace knowing you did the best you could.
hi summer,
i have 2 weeks off (i guess not too long compared to her august holiday which is 5 weeks) i'm not feeling very intense at the moment, my defense mechanisms are quite strong and i'm very good at denial and avoidance.
suddenly is the worst kind! i get the feeling my T is warning me in well advance (i hope) and i'm thankful for that.
thanks, my session is tomorrow, i'll just see how it goes, i cant handle too much pressure right now. hope you have a good session before your break too!
hi eme,
i'm hoping my loss of trust is temporary... the way i see it she has a lot of work to do, but hopefully then it will be back and stronger than before. i dont want to put too much pressure on myself for tomorrow so i'll just go in and see what happens - that is my strategy for now. if it goes badly, i might email her a long list of what she's doing wrong and a merry f*&%ing xmas at the end!
thanks for your support!
puppet
i have 2 weeks off (i guess not too long compared to her august holiday which is 5 weeks) i'm not feeling very intense at the moment, my defense mechanisms are quite strong and i'm very good at denial and avoidance.
suddenly is the worst kind! i get the feeling my T is warning me in well advance (i hope) and i'm thankful for that.
thanks, my session is tomorrow, i'll just see how it goes, i cant handle too much pressure right now. hope you have a good session before your break too!
hi eme,
i'm hoping my loss of trust is temporary... the way i see it she has a lot of work to do, but hopefully then it will be back and stronger than before. i dont want to put too much pressure on myself for tomorrow so i'll just go in and see what happens - that is my strategy for now. if it goes badly, i might email her a long list of what she's doing wrong and a merry f*&%ing xmas at the end!
thanks for your support!
puppet
(((((Puppet)))))
I don't know that I have any helpful advice for your situation right now so I'll just offer hugs
I don't know that I have any helpful advice for your situation right now so I'll just offer hugs
hey forlorn,
its so nice to see you!
thanks for the hugs and how are you doing?
puppet
its so nice to see you!
thanks for the hugs and how are you doing?
puppet