I wish I could say something useful like so many others on this site manage to do. I can tell you I feel the same way about:

quote:

I don't even know what I was like. I don't trust my memories and it all seems completely unimportant. Why can't I figure out therapy? What actually helps you change?

I think at some point we at least have to suspend disbelief even if we cannot manage belief that the t knows what they are doing and that we are not making stuff up. I certainly fight with both of those all the time.

hi incognito... first bravo to you for taking that huge step and talking to your T about the abuse. I think what may have happened since is that you shut yourself down...you numbed yourself as a coping or protection mechanism because of what you did on Monday. This is actually quite common with trauma survivors and is practically second nature to us. We do it automatically or maybe unconsciously so that's why you don't really understand what is going on. You feel really emotional one session and then go back and it's like you feel nothing, like the whole emotional ordeal of the previous session was maybe over the top, that you made a big deal of something or that it really makes no difference. I can tell you I have felt that way with oldT when we talked about really hard stuff from the past.

I just think it's a matter of time before you unfreeze the feelings again so you can deal with them. Don't push yourself too hard and maybe you need to talk about this with your T. I'm sure he would understand. FWIW, I think your T is really good and you are safe with him.

TN

Hi Incognito, I am really glad you posted this as it is so utterly normal for abuse survivors. I have found that I will say something really big, have huge emotions in a session, it be VERY intense, and the next week - NOTHING, just quiet and no feelings.

I think it is how TN is saying. I find that telling something huge changes a major cog in the way we see the world and ourselves, and it changes all the myriad other cogs, of how we perceive and feel and are. This takes time to happen at deep almost and often unconsious levels, and whilst that is happening, there is a quiet time, when we are almost numb from the enormity of what we have disclosed and felt around it. Eventually we start feeling again, but it is slow. That is how it happens to me. Sometimes it takes several sessions to come back to something really big, sometimes it takes several months. THat is how huge the internal processing and changing taking place, is .

so I know it feels odd, and I sympathize, but it seems utterly normal to me. ((((incognito))))

The feelings didn't go anywhere. They are there. They are just frozen from years of keeping them at bay. And when you are able to talk about what happened to you but cannot access the emotions tied to the experience, it's like looking through a frozen lake. You can see the water underneath, but you cannot access it without having to chip through layers of ice.

Incognito,

Was doing some trauma reading on the phases of trauma treatment. It was really interesting. That processing the trauma won't do any good until you have high integrative capacity. If you have low integrative capacity, it's not going to work. Actually, the material I read said that the therapist should not to even try to process the trauma until the client has high integrative capacity. I don't know if I can really explain what integrative capacity is but I'll try. I think it's when you have an emotion, you're reacting to something. Low integrative capacity would mean that you might just be reacting the the pull of the emotion and it would be as strong and as painful as if you were living through something the first time. When you are able to tolerate the strength of your emotions and kind of stand back from them a little and say, oh this if from that and that's not happening right now and you don't feel so controlled by the strength of the emotion, then your integrative capacity goes up. when you can realize in the moment that the thing isn't happening right now and process it. I think. Not sure.

Anyway, maybe for you it was just really important for you to tell your T what happened and for him to validate what you went through. And, then your protective wall went back up as if he were your mother saying, well why are you so upset about that? that doesn't make any sense at all. maybe that's what you were expecting when you back there? so maybe sharing your story is not enough? you have to learn how to not invalidate your story? I invalidate myself all the time.

so don't give up on the trauma processing yet. It just may be that your integrative capacity isn't high enough yet. Of course, I am the farthest thing from a mental health professional so I have no idea if this applies to you. Sometimes it helps me feel more in control of the process when I know what is going on. Why do these shrinks have to be so secretive about the process? Are all shrinks secretive about the process or just mine???

I can definitely relate to everything you said here. Telling your T did make a difference, but I know it doesn’t feel that way since nothing seemed to change. Even though it feels like it should work this way, just telling your story most likely (I obviously can’t speak for everyone) isn’t going to help you change in the way that you were describing. For me anyway it took a combination of talking, writing, reading tons of books, doing workbooks, listening to the recordings of my sessions over and over again- basically anything that could take me out of the debilitating and blinding shame and guilt, and look at the situation for what it actually was. Please don’t blame yourself for not believing your T that it wasn’t your fault. It’s 100% acceptable, normal, and even expected to feel like you don’t believe him. Take care of yourself.

Mac

Incognito,

I agree with what has been said so far. I think this was a great first step, but is something that isn't a one time thing. It is normal to pull back and numb out after being so vulnerable. For me, I've had to revisit the same traumas over and over and just talking about them typically doesn't shift them. When we do body work and more right brain stuff that does shift it, but it takes time to get to that point. You are doing just fine!! (((hugs)))

Yes- I too agree, and can relate. TN is correct- at least for me.

Revealing your story and being held safely (in the moment) will eventually make you stronger- IDK how- but it does. My T does his best to offer unconditional love to make me feel safe.
That seems to help me.
Numbing after revealing is what happens to me too.
All my best to you- keep going with the hard work- it will get better in time. Sadly, there is no way to rush the process though.
You are brave to share.

Thank you for your replies and letting me know you think it is a normal part of the process. I'm trying to enjoy this time that I'm not so upset and worried about therapy and my past. My daughter's are in a competition this weekend and we are going away.

TN, I think I am safe with my T too but I find it hard to admit that my feelings change so much. I worry that they aren't "real" if they don't last.

Liese, my T is pretty secretive about the process. He will answer questions but he never just talks about it and what to expect so sometimes I don't ask the right questions to find out what comes next.

Mac, what kind of workbooks and books did you read? and did you really listen to the same sessions over and over or did you listen to each session once? I record my sessions and usually listen to them once before I go back to help me re-enter the conversation and make sure I didn't miss to much when I was lost in my head.

STRM, what kind of body work and right brain stuff do you do with your T? Can you tell I hate the idea of revisiting the same trauma over and over.

Di

quote:

Mac, what kind of workbooks and books did you read?

My favorite workbook is Healing from Post-Traumatic Stress by Monique Lang. I don’t have PTSD but all the activities in the book were amazing and fit exactly what I needed. The pages are filled with lots of drawings and collages with stickers and magazine cut-outs. What I took from the book, along with lots of validation and support, was the chance to put all of my guilt and shame and hatred outside of myself. I did all the work myself and then spent two sessions going over it with T.

quote:

and did you really listen to the same sessions over and over or did you listen to each session once?

Yes… I listened to one session so many times it would be embarrassing to even guess…. It was the session after telling him what happened over the weekend… a very recent trauma. At first the session was very painful to listen to because I felt the same shame and guilt, but I kept listening because I wanted to hear my T comfort me again. Then after awhile I became more detached from it, and started listening to the very intelligent, strong, and kind girl who had some very unfortunate things happen to her. I felt very sorry that she was so sad, and I wanted to hug her and tell her it wasn’t her fault… and then at the same time I realized that she was me, so I gave the me who was hurting so badly a nice big hug.

On a more ‘normal’ week I’ll wait till the day after to listen, sometimes ill push it and wait two days, but I prefer that night or the day after because it feels easier to go back into the session. I listen to it once through, and then go back and listen to the whole recording over again, stopping every minute or so to write down my thoughts. There have been some weeks, like the one I described above, where I listen to the session many many times, because it’s like having my T there to comfort me and I need to hear him say something over and over again till I feel it sink in.

Mac

quote:

I don't even know what I was like. I don't trust my memories and it all seems completely unimportant.

Late this conversation, but this really struck a chord with me. I sometimes find myself actually believing that I am making it all up, whether past events or even current experiences with my emotions. I get these "sharp" thoughts pounding in the front of my head accusing me that I am full of ... or exaggerating. Or sometimes I think about going a dozen or more years straight without a single hug, kiss, pat or any physical contact (aside from a couple posed photos and me separating physical fights) from my mom and think it must be a lie I've made up. I have a 2.5-year-old daughter and I can't imagine it is possible for that to be true. It just doesn't make sense. And even when I can accept it as true, I keep wanting to say, "So what?" The best I can manage is to make excuses for why my parents made the choices they did and to assume there must have always been something intrinsically incapable of receiving love.

I think it's amazing that you were able to open up to your T like that. I can't get to that level--I'm so clinical about everything I say to him in person and I still manage to feel ashamed for sharing it, like it makes me an attention-seeking manipulator.
I don't know you, so it would be weird to say I'm proud of you, but I hope you are proud of yourself and can take the calm of this moment to recognize it as a step forward. Even if it feels ridiculous later, I try to commemorate the small victories (e.g. trusting T enough to admit ridiculous projections I would hide from anyone else). It helps me to have faith that no matter how slow the process feels, I am pointed in the right direction.

still reading the additions to this thread-

but WOW Lady Grey!!! what a beautiful and accurate (for me) analogy for the situation. That is exactly it for me too. Thanks for the visual- it makes it concrete.

Leise- your post reminds me of a recent conversation I had with my T.
I told him, if I were aware of the triggers when they were happening, if I were aware of transference when it was taking place, then I could deal with it better. I thought that a given, but he hesitated and said, "Huh, I will have to think about that." Perhaps in T terms- that means, no thats not how it works- and it may be precisely because of the reasons you stated. Being aware in my head is not necessarily enough to stop or change a situation. And because I am not feeling it- how strong could that awareness be anyway?
Not sure if I wam explaining myself clearly- but Liese, thats for the insights.

originally by Yakusoku-
"And even when I can accept it as true, I keep wanting to say, "So what?" The best I can manage is to make excuses for why my parents made the choices they did"
- Yes Yakusoku, I can relate to this clearly.
I used to say to my T (after revealing some pretty harsh stuff) "shit happens- right T? everyone has their shit."
I thought on some level that my story was no worse or better than than the next persons. If it was not one thing, it was another. If it was not abuse trauma, it was something else. And that no one escapes an unhappy, possibly abusive,childhood. But I was wrong.
No one deserves the hell we went through. None of us!!!!
Is is over, and now comes the slow healing process.
Hele

Yes, I think I got it Mayo!

quote:

I thought on some level that my story was no worse or better than than the next persons. If it was not one thing, it was another. If it was not abuse trauma, it was something else. And that no one escapes an unhappy, possibly abusive,childhood. But I was wrong.
No one deserves the hell we went through. None of us!!!!
Is is over, and now comes the slow healing process.

That's exactly where I'm at. I made a choice several years ago to disallow those experiences to be (consciously) meaningful anymore. Since then, it seems unimportant and "nothing" compared to what many others have been through. Obviously, it is something. If my Dad practically disappearing meant nothing, I wouldn't have transference issues with older male authority figures. And if my mom's neglect and emotional abuse meant nothing, I wouldn't have such an instinctual distrust of women in general. But I still can't stop the ambivalence and let myself feel about those experiences up on the surface. It's very frustrating to know objectively you feel a certain way (hurt, deprived, abandoned, etc.) from observing your own behavior...but to not be actively feeling it enough to deal with it.

It's very frustrating to know objectively you feel a certain way (hurt, deprived, abandoned, etc.) from observing your own behavior...but to not be actively feeling it enough to deal with it.[/QUOTE]

That my dear is my understanding of trauma symptpms, and that is what therapy helps.

All the best on your journey to healing. There are lots of rewards in the process.

Those that spoke of taping their sessions- I like that. I never thought of that- eventhough I have heard others speak of it. I wish i taped my last session to play over and over again. Twas a good one.

I'm trying to stay hopeful and avoid going to that place that associates feeling anything with being irrational and unpredictable like my mother. I have a daughter, so I am very conscious of not letting any of my anti-female garbage get into her head (and not to let Daddy put any in there either). I don't think I could stand to listen to my sessions at this point. I do a lot of my deep communication through journaling and when I reread the entries I've sent him, I have a myriad of negative reactions (thinking it was a lie, feeling needy or that I am betraying someone by revealing things, etc.). So, if it were a "good" session, I would probably hate myself for what I shared, feel disgusted at myself for "needing" to listen to T's reassurance or get extremely angry with myself for not utilizing the session better if I wasn't able to talk. Funny thing is, when I read of everyone else taping and listening, I think, "Wow, that's amazing and brave." I don't have any negative thoughts about others who do it. I don't know why I think I'm so "special." LOL.