Just want to check in with you and tell you where I am at.

I am trying to work towards telling sweetP some of the awful graphic details of the r*pes. And that is really hard as in my life I don't really use the words I shall have to use. Awful words. And I don't really like the idea of ANYONE knowing some of the awful things that were done to me, to ME!!! Not just to A N Other, but to ME!!!!!!

I have gone so far as to write a list of them last night in my journal and there is another list to write on the opposite page of what difficult things I have done to cope with what was done to me. Have not written that yet.

In December I wrote two pages of what awful things were done to me in my life by six different people and it has taken until now to deal with two of those on a more superficial level. I gave him those two sheets, page one in January and Page two recently, which triggered the work on the abusive therapist. Returning to India, triggered a return to the India stuff.

I had my first assessment interview with Rape Crisis on Wednesday. That tore me open even though I refused to talk about the r*pes themselves.

I also had a ten day gap from my sessions with sweetP - that just felt awful from day 0. But I got through by arranging a phonecall half way through.

I did manage to say to sweetP yesterday that the elephant in the room that I am skirting around all the time, is the terrible terror I hold that if I talk about SEX things, (like r*pe etc) it will arouse him like it did the abusive therapist, who then manipulated me so that he could sexually abuse me.

sweetP just calmly said that it is not surprising that I fear that, after what has happened to me in the past. He did not reassure me that he would not abuse me. That scared me until I got home and pondered it. I then realized that sweetP would so not abuse me, abuse my trust, be unprofessional in any way, that he did not see that he needed to reassure me that he would not abuse me, as from where he is - it would NEVER EVER Happen, it is just impossible.

I have been sleeping badly and now my lovely husband has just flown off to Texas this morning. I always fear I shall never see him again but he does seem to survive these long trips. It is awful that he is away.

I rang sweetP yesterday after a long session about how much I miss my dad and how my sister was and is a mean and pretty nasty bully. (I admitted to him that I was avoiding India stuff by talking about my family, he had never heard me talk about my sister before). I had to phone him as I did not come away with any sense of emotional security, as I had not really connected with him. So I rang him and asked him if he thought I was doing okay. He did not say "but I have just seen you four hours ago! Why on earth are you phoning me?!" He was as kind and steady as ever. He did mention that I asked the same question at the end of the session but he answered it all over again, that he thinks I am doing more than okay but that he also appreciates that it is truly hell at times for me and that it can feel really horrible. he is so AFFIRMING of my pain and agony, unlike the ex C who was always trying to get me to stop telling her how awful it felt ....

I ended the phone call saying I would try and nudge towards telling him the awful graphic details trapped in my head. He said nudging slowly and gently sounded helpful but only say what I feel comfortable with.

Sorry for the long post, just wanted to let you know where I am really ...